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Relationships

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Original poster

fiance hiding bank account?

20 replies

sweetie123123 · 27/01/2017 10:22

hello. yesterday i saw a notification on my fiance's phone with an e-mail coming from a bank where he told me an year ago that he has no money on that account. the notification was from Internet Banking and was like: Transaction details (26 jan). i couldn't read more because i didn't open the e-mail to read it all. we talked about money an year ago and we decided to put the money together, but I don't know if he's hiding some money before the relationship in that account. should i talk to him? how to open the conversation without him knowing I saw that notification?

OP posts:

ChicRock · 27/01/2017 10:25

So do you have a joint account? Do you know what each other earns? And is he putting a substantial sum/most of his money each month in your joint account?

ImperialBlether · 27/01/2017 10:25

What was agreed beforehand? Did you both agree all wages/bonuses would go into the joint account? What about savings prior to meeting?

Original poster

sweetie123123 · 27/01/2017 10:43

he has his account and i have my account and all money from these 2 accounts are together. i knew that he has another account on another bank, but he told me that he has no money on it when we talked about that (a year ago), he just keep it because he is lazy to go to the bank to close it. i believed him, but now what is with this notification regarding transaction on that account? i am thinking maybe he had some money there, before we were in the relationship and he didn't want to tell me

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetie123123 · 27/01/2017 10:49

yes, we decided all money would go together. but i am thinking that he is really using the other account as for some savings that he had before we talked to have the money all together.

OP posts:

Sikkinis · 27/01/2017 10:53

I wouldn't worry too much, I have a second account I don't use from years ago and I keep the card in my purse. I occasionally use it by accident (bloody contactless!) or if I forget my other card. I've only got about £500 in there which I'm keeping for emergencies

The other possibility is he wants a secret 'safety net' account which lots of people have but I don't see why he would be spending money out of it.

Mehfruittea · 27/01/2017 11:07

I kept a secret account from DH in the early days when we first had joint finances. I did this because he was shit with money and had no discipline.

I overcharged him on his share of the bills and put the extra money into a savings account for him. After about 1 year of doing this I had to reveal all as he had majorly fucked up, leaving himself £20 to spend on a two week holiday with me and a four day festival with his mates .

I had about £500 I could give him so hadn't been majorly skimming, but enough to build up a lump sum that helped him out when he needed it. He was incredibly grateful and understood why I did it. We've been together 15 years now!

joystir59 · 27/01/2017 11:10

Just ask him about it. You are getting married to this person- you should be able to talk about anything together, even things that turn out to be silly fears about nothing. It is about trust and being able to bare your soul with someone- this of course takes time and I don't know how long you have been together. So- just ask him.

Ellisandra · 27/01/2017 11:17

When you say you saw it on his phone, do you mean it flashed up, or you were digging?

If it flashed up, then just say "hey, I saw x account - are you still happy with what we agreed on joint finances?"

Honestly though, no way would I be combining all my accounts with someone I wasn't married to (fiancé means nothing, no offence as I'm engaged myself!).

I also have several almost dormant accounts that might occasionally get used.

And I would have no problem with my fiancé keeping some money separately - nor would I consider it my business how much it was, unless he was pleading poverty and expecting me to pay part of his share of things.

My fiancé and I have worked out the fair split of bills going forward. Any money we have now, is our own and is irrelevant. But that's the discussion we've had and are happy and clear with. (second marriage though - our savings are partly for our children)

Quintessing · 27/01/2017 11:20

I have been with my husband for 20 years, we have never had a joint account. Just because you pool your resources into one account, it would just be silly to close your personal account and have NO money that is just yours. Do you honestly not have your own bank account?

Ellisandra · 27/01/2017 11:23

Ah, saw your other thread.
So he has a "big salary" (presumable bigger than yours?) and you don't like him giving money to his mother.
You've got a bigger issue than seeing a notification. You have not yet, as a couple, come to a happy agreement on how you will manage finances going forward.
Don't marry until you have that agreement.

Why do you want access to all his money? You're not married, you don't mention children...

Original poster

sweetie123123 · 27/01/2017 11:28

i don't want access to all his money, i just don't want lies, i don't want him to lie me. i don't care if he has another account, if he wants another one or if he has other savings, all i want to know is if he lied to me or if he was honest. if we are going to marry, i don't want this marriage based on lies. all i am asking for, is true, not lies.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 27/01/2017 11:31

Then - just ask him.
As a previous poster said - you're marrying him, you shouldn't marry anyone that you cannot ask this question of.

Ellisandra · 27/01/2017 11:32

Why can't he know that you saw the notification?

Original poster

sweetie123123 · 27/01/2017 11:34

because the phone didn't flash it, i looked over the notifications and I cannot open the discussion like that :(

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 27/01/2017 11:41

OK, so go back a step.
Why are you marrying someone whose phone you are checking?

That's pretty bad behaviour. I have done it myself (correctly suspected my then - now ex - husband was cheating). So I'm not saying I might not agree with your reasons! But really, you're not even married - why are you checking his phone?!

Bearing in mind the situation with him giving money to his parents, I'd open it like this...

"Fiancé, we still haven't agreed on how we manage finances - we not agreed on your mother for example. I need us to be 100% happy before the wedding. We did speak a year ago about pooling all money - how do you feel about that now, is it working OK? Do you think we should have separate savings too?"

Seriously - do not marry a man if you are unable to ask these questions, and if you're checking his phone.

Chops2016 · 27/01/2017 12:04

Even if he has money in it now it doesn't mean he lied a year ago.. it could have had nothing in it then.

Its not really your business what bank accounts he has, you aren't married and - unless he's sponging off you - it shouldn't make the blind bit of difference what savings he has.

I had a savings account I dudbt tl my DH about for a long time - until after we married. I didn't think it was important. If he'd insisted I declared all my accounts and how much was in them I would have thought he was being very unreasonable

joystir59 · 27/01/2017 12:55

a) I wouldn't have a joint account as my only bank account. They are difficult to get out of if the marriage fails at some point- this happened to me. Also you do not have any real autonomy over your own money- I think adults need money to call their own.
b) A joint account for paying of joint household expenses sounds ok.
c) I have complete transparency with my wife about money- we update each other on our individual financial position on a regular basis. We agree on who will spend what re: household as we earn different amounts so cannot do straight split.
d) Checking his phone shows you already do not trust him, with or without reason. I would suggest you look at your feelings and try to understand where they are coming from.
e) You are already doing things behind his back (with or without reason) and this behaviour doesn't bode well- marriage is about trust, closeness, openness.
My ex cheated on me and I found out about it by looking at a message on her phone left on a pub table one day after she had been spending whole evenings chatting on line to the same person (I had reason to be suspicious). So I understand the desire to check his phone is you have suspicions. But otherwise you have a problem re trusting him that you should iron out before you get married.

joystir59 · 27/01/2017 12:57

...by talking to and with him.

joystir59 · 27/01/2017 13:00

you are allowed to ask questions until you feel satisfied you have got to the bottom of something- you know him (I hope) and should be able to sense if he is being open with you or not. You are allowed to have an argument if that's what it takes to reach a better level of understanding. Relationships are not all rosy and pleasant all of the time- and it is sometimes through persisting, digging and arguing that a deeper truth and deeper closeness comes. Until you have gone through a great big row and out of the other side you are still in the honeymoon period, IMO!

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2017 13:04

It seems you have wider issues, you're snooping his phone plus worried he's keeping secret savings from you. I'd address the fact you don't trust him. That's no way to start a marriage.

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