Dating fills me with fear..

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for a little bit of advice really. I’m 41 and have a little girl who is almost 2. I was with a partner (not married) for 15 years from the age of 18 and we broke up because we didn’t love each other any longer. I wasn’t very good on my own (because I was always in a relationship) and because I had no real experience of dating I went from my bad guy to another. I met the father of my daughter we dated for a few months and I fell pregnant, as I was in my late 30’s I decided to keep the child. However the father of my daughter didn’t want any involvement so I with the help of my family I decided to bring her up on my own. Having a child is the best decision I have ever made, I love being a mother. It’s changed me for the better most definitely.

I work, send my daughter to nursery and in the process of buying us a house. So we are pretty much sorted life wise. But there is one thing missing - a partner for me and father for my daughter. I absolutely love our life together, in so many ways I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

I’ve had a lot of time to think/reflect about my mistakes and realise where I’ve gone wrong. But I still do worry about dating. My focus still is solely on my daughter. But sooner or later I would like to meet someone.

I’ve had such bad luck in the past with boyfriends that I do worry about letting someone ‘in’ again. There is a part of me which even thinks it might be easier to just stay single forever! I know I need to take it slowly, get to know someone etc. But still the thought of meeting someone fill me with fear. I would like to say I’m a fairly attractive woman and look younger then my age, however I just don’t know if someone would want to be with me now I have a child. I would hate my daughter to grow attached to someone and then it go wrong. Any advice/stories of finding love as a single parent?

I think you need to take it step by step & tread slowly. I think you need to date first for a considerable period, after what you've been through to make sure & then doubly sure after what you've been through. I'm sure the rest will click if you're happy within yourself & the relationship. Don't go looking for a father for your DC though.

Thanks don't worry I have every intention of taking really, really slowly! I'm really more looking for a life partner for myself more than anything, but of course I have to think whether he is father material.

I'm happy within myself, probably it's the first time I've felt like this for many years. I feel once I've bought my house and got settled in it, that the next step is to start dating again. I definitely feel its the right time now :) I'm just a bit worried about it as I've never dated with a child and also understandably don't want to get hurt again...

I would say don't confuse the two. You want a man that makes you melt first and foremost, that man should then be good dad material... you can have mr sexy ass without him being a good dad but equally a good dad without whatever your version of mr sexy ass is won't work either

That should say can't not can

As previous posters have said, you're looking for the whole package, so you've got to take your time and be willing to evaluate someone, not accept any shit, drop them and move on if they're either not pressing your buttons or not stable.

The fact is, almost all fledgling relationships fail, that's why people date and try and meet new people, to find the keeper.

But, set some ground rules. Don't introduce anyone to your DD until a set length of time has passed. A good man will understand this. Don't go hunting for a father who can also be a boyfriend, instead hunt for a boyfriend and see what their potential is to be a stepdad. That's something you'll have to evaluate over time as you get to know them.

Grow a thick skin, as it is a harsh world out there.
Don't be willing to put up with bullshit.

There are men out there who are fantastic, who may or may not have kids of their own, so consider whether you'd think about a blended family long term?

Some men don't want any children - either because they have their own or just never wanted any, so consider whether you'd date men who want them?

There's a dating thread on here with people at all stages of dating - thinking about it, actively meeting people, and in relationships. Posters on there have met and married people - so it's possible to meet new men when you have kids, and be very happy and settled.

Take a look at that and ask questions, there are other people in exactly the same position as you, and it's good to get advice from people in the same boat

Some really great advice there, thanks so much. I had every intention of taking it slowly and not introducing my daughter for a long time. You got me thinking about not looking for a father figure first, I was initially looking more for a dad and then partner 2nd. So good advice there - thank you! And I'll take a look at that post you've suggested!
Much appreciated everyone