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Original poster

Is it really possible to live someone you've never actually met and Love at first sight...

28 replies

lottieandmia · 18/01/2017 08:40

It seems to me that this isn't actually possible. But I've heard of people saying they knew they loved someone before they met.

The love at first sight thing is a bit more complicated - I feel as though I did experience that myself but I would suggest it was infatuation.

The internet one is of particular interest/concern.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 18/01/2017 08:40

Sorry stupid autocorrect in the title.

It should say love someone not live someone.

OP posts:
Kennington · 18/01/2017 08:44

No it is a nonsense
Love is based on actions not some chat over the internet

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2017 10:11

It's complete pony

CwtchMeQuick · 18/01/2017 10:18

No, I don't think so. I think you can be immediately attracted to someone, and I think you can be attracted to someone you haven't yet met, but I don't think you can be in love with them.

I think you need to know someone to love them. Really, truly know them. You need to know what makes them laugh and what makes them tick, you need to know their less desirable qualities as well as their more desirable ones. Love is a feeling but also a set of actions, and I think it takes time to reach it.

ohtheholidays · 18/01/2017 10:26

Yes to both.

Me and my DH met online,we became friends before we'd even met each other and we've been together since our first date,so over 10 years now,married and 5DC down the line so were proof that you can!

We got to know each other really well,at first it was just talking online,then we moved onto talking online and texting each other and then we started talking on the phone.

We spoke to each other every day and we talked about everything from the little things,where we went to school,what we liked to do to the big stuff about our familys,past relationships,our beliefs,politics everything.

So you can get to know a person and what makes them tick,we fell in love with each other before we had any physical contact,I think our relationship may be stronger because of it.

We've been through so much that would break other couples up and lots of it was within a short amount of time not that long after we started dating.

Happybunny19 · 18/01/2017 10:28

I'm constantly amazed by some threads where people claim to be in love with people they've met online that they haven't actually met. This is ridiculous in my view as it's easy to adopt a different perfect persona in that environment, not so easy to maintain in RL.

Love at first sight is equally ridiculous, you can be physically attracted to someone and on getting to know them discover they're a complete dick. I put both scenarios down to infatuation only. True love is developed through getting to know someone far deeper over time.

Offred · 18/01/2017 10:36

I agree.

I don't think you can love someone that you have never met or 'at first sight'.

You can be attracted, you can be infatuated, but love comes from knowing someone really well.

broodybrooder · 18/01/2017 10:37

I don't believe in Love at first sight and agree people who you think are amazing at first can turn out to be total losers!

But I love the Japanese saying 'Koi No Yokan' It's not love at first sight but it's sort of 'I know we'll fall in love or I know this person's going to be important' at first sight.

I've had that feeling a few times. And with this version, they can still turn out to be a wanker. Just an important wanker to you who you happened to fall inlove with. hey

CalamityKit · 18/01/2017 10:38

I don't know. Despite all my relationships having been with people I met online, I never fell in love with anyone until we had met in person. Grew close to them certainly, and did the deep and meaningful talking on the phone and through messenger and email etc but it wasn't love. It took me a few dates with now dh to feel that I was in love with him, on top of months of talking online. That's not to say it definitely can't happen for anyone else, just that it never has for me.

I don't believe in love at first sight. Definitely lust, and strong emotions, but not love.

Offred · 18/01/2017 10:38

Ohtheholidays I would suggest what happened with you and DH was mutual commitment to each other rather than love.

OneWithTheForce · 18/01/2017 10:39

You can't love someone you dont know.

notarehearsal · 18/01/2017 10:51

I was 16 when I met my husband to be. He interviewed me for a job and I knew within a few minutes that Id fallen' in love'. I stated to my best friend that I'd met the man I wanted to spend my life with. He didn't feel the same way immediately but it grew. We were together 20 years from that time. I actually think he's quite a cock now but do believe we did love each other through that time.

QuiltedAloeVera · 18/01/2017 10:53

Love at first sight is a label retrospectively applied when people do go on to properly fall in love with someone they were strongly attracted to at first. If it doesn't work out it was "just a crush". But the processes going on inside people's heads are the same in both instances in the beginning. That's why getting married to someone you've known for a month is a high-risk strategy. Sometimes, by sheer luck, the couple will turn out to be a good match. Most of the time, they won't.

Saying you love someone you don't know is silly.

In terms of falling in love over the Internet, I think it's possible. You can get to know someone online. And the internet can be a good way for people with really niche interests to meet. But the chance of an internet person turning out to be different-to-who-you-thought-they-were is even higher than IRL, I think.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/01/2017 10:56

I'm not sure I believe in love at first sight exactly, but both my DH and I felt a strong connection the first time we set eyes on each other. Our eyes met and something went "ping". We didn't speak until later.

I read somewhere, a long time ago, that the best relationships were based on congruence, meaning a strong overlap of views across many areas of life and that this was something some people perceived very early on in a relationship.

I shall stop now as I'm not explaining this very well. Grin

VaginaDentata · 18/01/2017 10:58

No, of course not. And I think it's in fact a pretty dangerous idea to have floating around in these days where a lot of romantic interaction begins online - has no one heard of catfishing?

It's also the context to those disturbing women who form romantic relationships with death row prisoners, based on the 'erotics' of the person being inaccessible and communication being strictly limited.

My now husband, for instance, writes wonderful letters, and it's possible I actually fell for him when we were living on different continents (long before mobiles/Skype/messaging) because of his writing - but we did actually know one another as friends for a year previously, and it took a while for us to get together in person.

Nabootique · 18/01/2017 11:04

I totally agree with broody about love at first sight.

However, I do think you can fall in love online, assuming that people are being completely open, being themselves and not a catfish, obviously. If you talk enough, share enough, get to know each other enough, all the things that would make you fall in love in person.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 18/01/2017 11:13

I'm amazed at what some catfish do. Woman pretending to be a guy, etc.

I've never had a relationship with someone I met online. All the men I have met online turned out to be wankers.

OP posts:
MirandaWest · 18/01/2017 11:17

I don't think you can love someone until you've known them for a while. There aren't really enough words for what you can feel quickly - my now DH and I both said we loved each other pretty quickly into our relationship - about a month in - but somehow "I am attracted to you and feel strongly about you but I don't really know you yet do I?" doesn't have the same ring to it as "I love you".

HateSummer · 18/01/2017 11:19

No. A relationship is teamwork. I don't believe in love between partners. Your actions within a relationship are what build your relationship and that's how you grow respect for one another. You do things to make each other happy and it carries on hopefully forever that way.

Real love is that of a parent and child. That's true love at first sight.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/01/2017 11:34

Gosh, HatesSummer, that's pretty bleak.

Glad to say it's not my experience at all.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 18/01/2017 11:55

HateSummer that's really quite sad to read. I, and I'm sure many others on this thread, can assure you that love between partners absolutely does exist if you meet the right one.

I think what happened between my DH and I is probably what a lot of people are talking about when they say 'love at first sight', although I don't believe that's what it was (or indeed that it's possible). The first time I saw him I felt like fireworks were going off in my chest. I thought he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, not just his looks but the way he carried himself and interacted with other people around him. It honestly hit me like a ton of bricks.

But I see it like this - I had a set of ideals for my perfect partner, whether or not I thought about it consciously. It would have been easy to use the evidence that was available to me (his looks, his demeanour etc.) to convince myself that he also fitted the rest of my ideal and that I immediately 'knew him' and was therefore in love with him. But actually I had no way of knowing that until months down the line when we knew each other very well. So it was not accurate to call it love until that point. It just so happened that when I did get to know him, he was perfect for me. As AloeVera says, I think some people would be inclined to retrospectively apply the label of 'love at first sight' to a relationship like this, simply because it ended well.

I also like that Japanese saying Broody although this is the first time I've heard it. I think it's what I would describe my feelings for DH as. I knew that I wanted to get to know him and I had a hunch that he would be important to me.

Offred · 18/01/2017 12:00

I think love between adult partners is different to love from parent to child.

I wouldn't say the only real love is parent to child at all.

A parent/child kind of love is very one sided and mainly founded on responsibility.

Love between partners should be mutual and respectful but it would be very very bad if it was based on a one sided responsibility.

I think it is just two different types of relationships that are not comparable really.

CalamityKit · 18/01/2017 12:41

The point about love at first sight being retrospective is a really good one. DH and I have been very comfortable with one another from the start, we've been together 9 years and have two children together. We're nauseatingly happy and rarely argue. We just fit together. But that still doesn't equate to love at first sight.

Dontsayyouloveme · 18/01/2017 15:53

NC (frequent responder!) I would run a mile if this ever happened to me again! When I met my DH it was love at first sight! Now 8 years on, I've realised that we are so not right together! In fact, we've destroyed each other. My therapist has explained that you should run in the opposite direction if you are so strongly drawn to someone that it feels like love at first sight. What is actually happening is that your Schemas are bring triggered which is why it feels so naturally right and produces this intense emotion. When In fact it's the last thing you want to happen in a happy long term successful relationship' I've found out the very hard way and will definitely run a mile if it happens to me again! Slow and steady for me if I'm lucky enough to meet someone else in the future x X

HateSummer · 18/01/2017 16:20

Don't feel sorry for me! I'm very happy with my life and have a great dh 😊