Feeling of dread

[newmumintown]

The situation...ds, just turned 2 gets hold of biro and draws small barely noticeable line on new sofa. DH goes mental, smacks ds on the hand and goes off on one about what a waste of fucking money, why do I fucking bother. He knows I hate swearing in front of the kids. I tell him he's behaving badly, he says oh and you're fucking amazing why should you care you don't have to earn any fucking money or pay for anything (I'm a sahm to our 3 boys,6,4 and 2). I get up the following morning to find him playing in the lounge with 2 oldest boys, not letting youngest in the room. Am I overreacting to be thinking about leaving?

No.

Can't tell if you're overreacting to be thinking of leaving without more background really.

What I can tell you though is that he is hugely overreacting and, to be perfectly frank, acting like a complete dickhead.

If I were in your shoes I'd try and sit him down asap and ask what the fuck he is playing at in terms of:

Overreacting massively with your 2YO

Subsequently excluding 2YO - a further overreaction and frankly cruel

And, arguably most importantly, belittling you and the incredibly difficult job you have of raising and looking after 3 young children. This is potentially very telling in terms of his general attitude towards you and a lack of respect.

Is this a one off, OP, or has he acted in a similarly dickish way before?

Oh my god. His initial reaction was ott in the extreme but to exclude someone who's effectively a baby the next day is bang out of order. What a dick. Sorry.
Has he shown temper like this to either you or the kids before? Is he under major pressure somewhere? Not that pressure is an excuse but wondered if wider context ? I wonder if it's worth getting health visitor round to have a chat with you both about appropriate ways of disciplining if you think he is redeemable?
Otherwise I'd be saying fuck right off and don't leave him but kick him out if he can't see what he's done wrong. .

God that's hard to hear but what I need. He is under pressure, work takes him away from us for long stretches and he hares both the job and the being away. This is not an excuse though. He can be a total dick. Particularly when he's within a few days of going away, which he was (he's gone now). Could do with lots of advice and strong hard kicks up the backside

Hates not hares

That was vile. A two year old could not have understood being excluded a day later, and he should have calmed down rather than carried it on overnight.

He is aggressive, verbally abusive and a frightening role model for your DSs. You are also on the first rungs of the ladder to increasing abuse over time, now that he is intimidating the whole family so he has control of all of you. The future will be about walking on eggshells and chronic anxiety to make sure you do not displease him. But you inevitably will because no matter how hard you try, he will deliberately find things to blame you and the DC for, just to keep you in line.
Please watch the animated Freedom Programme films on YouTube describing what you should and should not expect in a relationship. I'm sorry to say your 'D'H's behaviour will likely get worse. Do you want your DC to grow up in a calm, respectful, loving home or one where there is constant conflict and aggression and everyone is afraid of upsetting the big bully called dad?
Phone Women's Aid (24 hours) to find out how to leave and safely. 0808 2000 247, lines are quietest 7pm-7am. And when you are free and no longer feeling dread, get yourself on The Freedom Programme
Children's early years experiences affect their brain development Your 'D'H is affecting your DCs emotional development and setting them up for a life of anxiety, anger and aggression, just like him. I doubt you want that for them.

I know. I did explain to him that there's no way he'll understand what's going on. It makes me want to cry when I think about it

Thank you keepingonrunning I needed to read that

Good luck (((hugs)))

Children's early years experiences affect their brain development
Keeprunning is right. You can read more about it in books by Sue Gerhardt.
2 is an absolute baby.

That makes me feel a bit sick

What kind of man is he ?

He either agrees to counseling or it's over.

Is counselling even an option here? He wouldn't agree anyway. He's away for 2 weeks so I have a bit of thinking space here. Have given it lots of thought overnight and think it's over

He was totally out of order, but I personally wouldn't give up over one incident - he may calm down too whilst he's away ... but I'd be having strong words once all the fog has cleared - outrageous way to treat a 2 year old, and what he said to you!!!

That is so horrible to a little child who is just a baby.....

Please protect your DCs from this bully.....

That's so cruel, he's only a baby, wouldn't want him to be the example of a 'man' that my son was exposed to

Well thank you for the advice and wise words. I have an appointment with the local women's aid tomorrow where I'll hopefully find out my options.

That is a good step. Talking to someone there will help you. Well done, that is a brave step for you to take and cannot have been easy, I'm sure.

The first 3 years of a child's life they say structure their future so I'd get my kids away from him pronto; he sounds awful, a bully to you and his own kids and has no idea how to parent properly.

Not a good sign at all. I bet he's a control freak who likes his own way all the time with no thought for your opinions....?

No you are not overreacting. Definitely, definitely not.

Pretty much adora. It's amazing how one incident can open your eyes to what you have not been seeing for a long time. At least the lady on the women's aid helpline reassured me (along with you lot!) that this is not acceptable and i'm not over-reacting

I'm really pleased you have a new perspective.
Prepare yourself for the possibility he has been shagging around. It's very common in the case of abusive partners.