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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can he think this is okay

28 replies

SeamusMacDubh · 06/01/2017 21:10

"Why do you have to keep going on about it? Just accept that I don't listen to you, no men listen, just accept that I don't listen to you."

That's a direct quote from a "conversation" I just had with DH. AIBU to think he's a complete arsehole?

backstory this is following several conversations we've had where I've had to retell him such and such about 5 times today. And every day.

OP posts:
Madinche1sea · 06/01/2017 21:25

A tosser speaking on behalf of all mankind. What a treat!

springydaffs · 06/01/2017 21:31

Urgh

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 06/01/2017 21:49

'Just accept that I don't want to know you. No woman wants to know you'

I think that would cover the female response to this twat

Original poster
SeamusMacDubh · 06/01/2017 21:59

Glad it's not just me being oversensitive.

I feel this is just another way he shows he doesn't care/think about me at all.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 06/01/2017 22:00

He doesn't care. He's making that very clear.

Question is Do you care?

SleepyRoo · 06/01/2017 22:03

This is really disrespectful. He is negating you, as a human being, and your relationship , which is by definition about communication.

AhYerWill · 06/01/2017 22:16

I'm not sure I'd choose to stay in a relationship with a man that viewed me with such contempt.

Original poster
SeamusMacDubh · 06/01/2017 22:19

There are issues in our marriage and I've talked to him (I say I've talked rather than we had a talk because he doesn't say anything at all when I speak to him, says he has nothing to say) about how I feel and what I feel needs to change but nothing changes.

I feel he's too selfish and lazy to be a partner and a father. He is so self centred and thoughtless.

I want us to work on our problems but he doesn't think he needs to change and I think he does. I don't want to just throw the towel in (though he's said a few times "why don't we just get a divorce then?!?" I feel like his parents set a poor example of marriage - they divorced when he was 8 and he was pretty much left to his own devices).

I'm swinging between really wanting to make things work and looking for places to move to in a different county.

OP posts:
Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 22:21

it's emotionally abusive.

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 22:22

he doesn't think he needs to change and I think he does

It's over. He wants a divorce.

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 22:23

You can't change people - particularly if they are refusing to!

Original poster
SeamusMacDubh · 06/01/2017 22:35

Does it really sound like he wants a divorce?

Trouble is we had two DC aged 1 and 3.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeamusMacDubh · 06/01/2017 22:36

*have

OP posts:
tribpot · 06/01/2017 22:45

I don't think he wants a divorce. But he won't be very bothered if you do. He's indicated he is adamantly opposed to changing in any way, to the point where he won't even entertain the conversation. So he's giving you two choices: put up or shut up. Your move.

LellyMcKelly · 06/01/2017 22:46

He's ready to go. He's just waiting for you to say the word. He's telling you straight to your face that he's not even bothering to listen to you and you should accept that. What a knob.

Ohdearducks · 06/01/2017 22:48

He's treating like you're nothing. He couldn't care less about your feelings, needs, thoughts.
Bin the dickhead.

QuarterMileAtATime · 06/01/2017 22:50

Does he listen to other people? He is telling you that you are not worth listening to. That's a clear message. I'd send one right back.

Original poster
SeamusMacDubh · 06/01/2017 22:53

If it was just me I'd have been gone a long time ago. But how am I supposed to support myself and the children? We have a mortgage, my mother helped us with a deposit so she has money tied up in our house, how would I ensure she gets her money back? How am I supposed to pay for legal advice when I'm financially dependent on him? I don't know where to start and I feel like such a failure (at marriage) and such a coward for not being able to make a choice. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed by the situation.

OP posts:
TheOnlyColditz · 06/01/2017 22:54

He doesn't think it's ok, he just doesn't care enough to change

SandyY2K · 06/01/2017 23:12

He hasn't got a mature attitude for dealing with relationship issues.

Maybe he'll listen to "I want out of the marriage " or write it to him as he won't listen.

His response is very disrespectful

SandyY2K · 06/01/2017 23:36

Has he always been like this?

Atenco · 07/01/2017 00:38

You start by getting your ducks in a row, OP. You find out what benefits you are entitled to, I think the CAB is the place to go, you find what child maintenance you would be entitled to, etc. etc. As you seem to have been willing to put up with him for a while now, and he seems happy to leave to decision to divorce up to you, you don't have to do it tomorrow, but you get ready and prepared.

Formerpigwrestler9 · 07/01/2017 00:45

"Why do you have to keep going on about it? Just accept that I don't listen to you, no men listen, just accept that I don't listen to you."

you could reply 'did you say something? I wasnt listening'

but yeah, he does it because he's got the whip hand here and he thinks he can treat you like shit and you have to take it

make a plan, keep it to yourself, dont give him any hint that you're going to whip his sorry arse

anxiousnow · 07/01/2017 00:47

Op please don't feel a failure or embarrassed. You haven't done anything wrong. You saw a problem and tried to discuss it to resolve and move forward together. That's no failure on your part. It's his failure if you do end up divorcing.

Do you love him? Do you think he realises how much this upsetting you? Some men do a blanket 'nag' tactic. Have you ever called his bluff on the divorce comment?
Please don't stay with someone who makes you unhappy out of fear of a broken home, failure or embarrassment. Only stay if you want to and he starts taking your concerns seriously, showing he cares, respects and loves you. Your feelingsearch are important xx

TheNaze73 · 07/01/2017 06:53

I think he's waiting for you to end it, so he doesn't look like the bad guy. He's really not interested in you