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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to do next

13 replies

FakeHouse · 04/01/2017 11:45

I recently posted in chat about an incident that happened between my DH and me, sorry I don't know how to link. Anyway, people over there think I may be in an emotionally abusive marriage. I don't want to be in the marriage anymore but I don't know how to leave. I thought I might try and talk to my DH about a separation. But the responses on my other thread suggested I seek advice over here before I do anything. So any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
StiffenedPleat · 04/01/2017 11:49

Can you describe very briefly what the problem is?

StiffenedPleat · 04/01/2017 11:50

Are there children involved? Do you own a house?

What's the other thread called?

broodybrooder · 04/01/2017 11:52

Sorry to hear you're in this position OP. You'll get lots of good advice here. It might help if you give a bit more information...such as do you have any kids, own a house or rent etc.

Is there financial or physical abuse as well as emotional?

The only thing I would say to start would be...if your DH is abusive, trying to talk to him about a separation may actually be harmful and cause the abuse to escalate.

If you have decided you want to end the marriage, you don't need to discuss it with him. You need to formulate an exit plan.

CockacidalManiac · 04/01/2017 11:53

Found it;
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2816203-Was-I-in-the-wrong

Original poster
FakeHouse · 04/01/2017 11:56

Yes, sorry. At the weekend he spoke to me in a very agressive and threatening way. When he suggested we talk about what happened I started to say that he frightened me with the way he spoke and I didn't like it. He just shouted me down until I apologised for the way I had behaved and agreed that it was my fault, that I drove him to act that way. He works very hard running his own business (11/12 hour days at the moment) and he thinks I should do everything else. He says I can't care about him otherwise I wouldn't drive him to act the way he does. He was cross because he's had to empty the bins a few times lately. He thinks everything is fine between us now, he thinks that by me 'apologising' we've cleared the air.

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 04/01/2017 11:58

He says I can't care about him otherwise I wouldn't drive him to act the way he does

That's problematic right there. He's responsible for his own actions.

Original poster
FakeHouse · 04/01/2017 11:59

Sorry, cross posted! We have 3 children and own our house (mortgage). When he was speaking to me he did say that maybe we should call it a day but I'm not sure how he'd react if I actually agreed.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 04/01/2017 11:59

I remember reading it. It did seem like 6 to 1 & half a dozen of the other.

If you feel you are in an EA relationship though, you are, as you can't argue a feeling. Based on what you said on the other thread though, it did seem like you went out of your way to be provocative. Was it over a game from memory??

StiffenedPleat · 04/01/2017 12:00

Go and take a free half hour with a divorce lawyer. And ask her/him what your options are.

If you are at all worried about safety then clearly you need some advice about leaving safely.

Original poster
FakeHouse · 04/01/2017 12:03

TheNaze someone posted a link to my original thread above. The game part was irrelevant really. I don't know if my marriage is abusive - that's what others have suggested.

OP posts:
broodybrooder · 04/01/2017 12:19

So you're treading on eggshells and he's got the nice/nasty abuse cycle down to a tee.

You have to apologise after every argument and gets to call you a lazy cow and a shit mum. And because you feel powerless, you've started winding him up as per the monopoly incident.

The 'nice' day after the argument is designed to confuse you OP and make you feel like you are losing it and you will be told any attempts to leave are unjustified because of all the nice times you have.

I will bet anything this man will not be so open to the idea of separating if you suggest it. I suspect he would never seriously consider it himself anyway and was only saying it to frighten you - he probably didn't bargain on you actually quite liking the idea. Who will take the bins out for him if you Split?

Seek legal advice re the house and the kids. Keep your prowder dry while you get your ducks in a row then get him out.

When you start detaching, he might sense something and up the nice guy act to confuse you even more. Just remember it's all part of the cycle and you don't need to wait for him to do something that would justify - in your eyes - the split. You are allowed to make he decision yourself.

If you are nervous at all for your safety, call Woman's Aid for help in making your plan

broodybrooder · 04/01/2017 12:24

It sounds abusive to me
He calls you names, he's obviously trying to undermine your self esteem. He 'expects' you to do everything. You're trying to set up your own business and instead of support g you he's trying to drag you down and moans about having to empty a bloody bin? He's aggressive and gives you the silent treatment until you apologise and agree with everything he says, including about how shit you are. He's nice to you only when you tow the line. He tries to control you.

This IS emotional abuse. Well done for making the decision to get out.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2017 17:07

You are being GASLIGHTED. He gets angry and abusive because YOU forced him to? I don't think so. He is an emotional terrorist and he will not change. Get out before this asshole damages your children.

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