Not interested in sex with DH

[TheEagle]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4.

We have 3 young DC - DS1 aged 3.2 and DTs aged 20 months.

I love him so much, he is a gorgeous attractive man. He is a wonderful father and a great husband.

But I have lost all interest in sex. I thought it might come back when I stopped BFing DTs a number of months ago. It didn't. Then I thought it might come back when I lost the rest of my baby weight. It didn't.

Any advice/tips? He's mentioned that he feels we aren't intimate often enough. We only dtd about once/twice a month.

I used to love sex, now all I want to do when I go to bed is to sleep.

Sounds like you are just exhausted at the moment. Hang on in there, be nice to each other, it will get easier

I find the more you have, the more you want. Can you plan a night when you can get the kids in bed and settled and just go for it? IME spontaneity doesn't happen much with young kids

Are you able to get a babysitter so that you can have some time away from the children to go out and enjoy it being just the two of you?

Yep, wait it out. Tell him he's desirable, fantastic - all the things you say in the OP. Kiss and cuddle often. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Do you have local family or friends who will be able to babysit in the nearish future? Not so you can go bang each other in a hotel necessarily, but so you can spend an uninterrupted night in the same bed and enjoy each other (again not necessarily sexually) without the little ones?

Tell him how you feel. You're just knackered. Your DCs are still small. It'll come back but you need to keep talking and touching.

That's a good idea, hermione - in fairness our kids are in bed at 7/7.30 and sleep well so that's the time!

Tiredness is definitely a part of it all. Also, my children love their cuddles and hugs. Sometimes by the evening I feel "touched out" and I just want to be by myself in bed. Is that normal?

We are actually about to have a new childminder for a few months whilst our minder is on may leave. She has offered to babysit for us so that we can have a night out.

We live far from family, and very rurally, so haven't had the chance to get out by ourselves in a while.

May leave=may leave

God I recognise that. When the DCs were small I definitely had times where I was just like LEAVE ME ALONE FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

DH wasn't to know, and I'm crap at communicating my real feelings, especially ones I feel are "bad" or "mean". It was the start of a slippery slope. Talk to him: he sounds lovely. Let him know what you feel. He loves you, he wants you to be OK. Don't be afraid to talk: it's so key.

Btw, we have no family near either. It was so hard in the early years. Try to find some way to be with each other alone if you can.

That's how I feel sometimes scrubbles! And I feel guilty then because I know that a) my kids aren't always going to want to sit on my knee and cuddle and b) my DH also needs physical affection.

He's tired too, I know that, but he would still like more physical intimacy

Explain about the "touched out" thing. And explain that it will pass. Men who aren't the main carer don't often consider the effect of having sticky little hands all over you all day. It might open his eyes a bit?

Also remember: he won't die of having to knock one out by himself for a little while as long as you guys talk.

Forgive me if this is too much over a line, but have you considered talking dirty to him while he sorts himself out once in a while? Even reading erotic fiction to him? It means a break from touching (remember to communicate why touching isn't for you in that moment!) and keeps lines of sexy communication open. And you never know - it might turn you on too?

I'm a bit reticent about suggesting it because it's not your "job" to get him off, but it might keep you talking?

Are you on contraception? I find contraception stifles my desires some worse than others? Could this apply to you?

Actually he might quite like that, sometimes a bit of dirty talk and a quick handjob will sort him out!

We've had a proper talk about it all tonight, more frank than we've been in a while so hopefully we can move forward from this in a positive way.

No contraception apart from monitoring ovulation and using condoms as necessary.

Hormonal contraception doesn't suit me.

I'm so glad you guys are talking about it. Do that, lots! If he knows his sexuality and needs are still important to you even if you aren't feeling it yourself just now, that's 99% of the battle. We all just want to be heard and valued.

Thank you so much scrubbles. I've known in my heart and soul for a while that he's been feeling badly about it but I've been afraid to mention it.

It's much better now it's out in the open.

Thanks for your replies and your understanding