ok so I am thinking of moving in with my fella

[Vincenza]

I already have a 4 year old son from a previous marriage (who he gets on with) and he has no children. I am extremely cautious about the whole thing as I really don't want to have to uproot my life again. If you had your time again what sort of conversations/ ground rules would you set/ talk about before moving in together. Also, I am not quite sure what sort of role my DP should play in our family. Although my son has a father who he sees once a fortnight should my DP now be taking on a paternal role towards my son and what sort of expectations should I have of him?? We both have quite high-powered jobs but he earns about £20k more than me. I think I should cover all expenses relating to my son but will this work out long term?

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Vx

Firstly, so far as your son is concerned, he has and always will have a dad, and your new partner shouldn't be expected to take on a paternal role unless he and your son want that to happen.

On the money side, if you'll be contributing towards the mortgage, think about doing a cohabitation agreement so that if you split up in, say 5 years, after you've paid £x towards the mortgage, home improvements etc, you get something back out of it. If you don't marry your new partner there's otherwise no likelihood of you being compensated for that.

It's potentially difficult to talk about this sort of stuff at this stage, but I frequently see couples who've split up thinking that they have protection under common law (common law marriage is a myth), and are horrified that in fact they have virtually no rights because they weren't married.

Talk honestly with your partner and take independent legal advice before committing yourself to any financial arrangements.

Go into it with your eyes wide open. Take the rose tinted spectacles off and leave all romantic notions of 'happy ever after' at the door whilst you sort out the practicalities.

Maintain your independence as much as possible i.e. your own bank account with maybe a joint bank account for bills, groceries, holidays, household expenses etc into which you pay an agreed amount each month.

Will you be moving into his house? Is it in his name alone or will your name be added to the lease/deeds? It would be wise to think about what would happen if things turned sour, that you would have somewhere to go or the money to find somewhere should you need to.

Also, be prepared for the HUGE change! You have been independent for quite a while, not answerable to anyone, responsible solely for yourself and your son. The transformation from single, independent woman to cohabitating with partner can sometimes be a bit of a culture shock in itself

Once you have taken care of all the practicalities and covered and protected yourself 'just in case'... put back on the rose tinted spectacles, pick up your romantic notions and ENJOY!!

Good luck X

I was with mine 2 years before I moved in, it has only gotten better, it was rough at first because your blending lives and a child but once you get to know eachothers habits and daily routines it's great, I'm so glad now that I gave up my independence and decided to move in. I payed a few bills but not all since my name was then not on the deed, child expenses were all mine, but to make up for that I did 80% of the cooking and cleaning and such. Good luck