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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can anyone tell me of my rights on separation (unmarried sahm)

20 replies

Ineedanewlife · 21/12/2016 19:43

I want to leave my dp, this has been building up for a long time. Basically he is a womaniser and I cannot take anymore. He is also a rubbish father to our two children.

We own a house together, both on the deeds. Only about £30,000 equity. We are not married but have been together 10 years and have a 8 year old and a 3 year old.

If I suggest a split can I ask him to move out until the house sells?

How often would he have to see dc (he is beyond useless with them)

What about involve the from his family (his mother uses physical punishment on her other grandchildren when she access to them, their mother is happy with this as she also uses physical punishment )

Can I just tell him to leave or would I have to leave? Or could I take over the mortgage if I got a job? Would I be better waiting until youngest starts school so I do not have childcare costs? Is it worth seeing a solicitor/citizens advice?

I feel sick writing this but just cannot face much longer in this sham of a relationship.

OP posts:

Christmasnoooooooooooo · 21/12/2016 20:30

You have very little rights.
I would advise you to get job you are going to need it .

debbs77 · 21/12/2016 20:34

You need a solicitor. I am trying to remortgage in my own name and ex is giving me the house. But I can't as I don't currently earn enough (self employec)

HollyBollyBooBoo · 21/12/2016 20:37

What sort of rights do you mean?

If you're both on the house then if you sell that you'll get half of the equity. You're unlikely to get a mortgage without a job so you probably need to make that a priority.

He will need to pay child maintenance, there are calculators on line to help you work out how much.

Yes generally each parent is entitled to the kids 50% of the time. Unless they put your children in harm then you can't really dictate who your children see whilst they are with him.

QuarterMileAtATime · 21/12/2016 20:45

Wow, debbs, between this and the other thread, we may actually be the same person!

NotTheFordType · 21/12/2016 20:52

How often would he have to see dc (he is beyond useless with them)

Realistically, he doesn't have to see them at all. He can ask for 50/50 or an EOW arrangement, but there is nothing, legally, to stop him just doing a fade from their lives.

Paying maintenance, however, can be legally enforced whether he sees them or not.

I am not sure about trying to prevent contact with the GPs. You would really need specialist legal advice on that. In theory, when he's having them, then he gets to make parenting decisions, which include who he lets visit.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/12/2016 20:53

He doesn't have to leave until the house sells. It is just as much his as yours.

AnguaResurgam · 22/12/2016 07:10

You need proper legal advice on the future holding of the major joint asset (ie the house).

Unless you are up in a position to buy out his share (which as you are currently employed may not be possible) you would then be looking at either selling up and each using £15k share of equity (assuming you own 50/50) towards new place to live; or coming to some sort of arrangement based on need to house the DC.

Former is usually better, as the aim of separating is to separate IYSWIM, and continuing to own a house together just toes you together for longer.

AnguaResurgam · 22/12/2016 07:13

You also need to see a solicitor about your DC's rights to an ongoing relationship with their family.

Unless it can be demonstrate that they are not safe to have unsupervised access, then your DC should continue to see their father and his family. The start point for negotiations is typically 50/50 but an actual order can be considerably different. One weekday night and EOW is a common arrangement.

Naicehamshop · 22/12/2016 07:30

Just coming on here to say that this sounds like an absolutely horrible situation for you. Stay strong and koko.

lalaloopyhead · 22/12/2016 07:36

I would say looking for a job is priority. I was in a situation similar but I worked part time, exP was reluctant to move out so I found a rental and didn't look back. It was hard money wise but actually the best time of my life as I felt so free and independent.

eatingtomuch · 22/12/2016 07:44

You will be entitled to 50% of the equity in the house.
You can ask him to leave, but realistically can he afford to pay for your home and live elsewhere.
When I split from my ex he was able to live rent free with his parents while we sold our house. If he couldn't have done that out situation would have been different, I think he would of remained in the house.
Do you have any savings?
Your priority will need to be a job and also look at what tax credits you are entitled to to help.

MrsBertBibby · 22/12/2016 07:52

I'm a family solicitor.

Please ignore the nonsense on here, Mumsnet, lovely as it is, is an ocean of ignorance when it comes to unmarried separation finance.

Your position is weaker than if you were married, but very hard to advise on without detailed financial information. See a family solicitor, findvout what is possible, and achievable.

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 22/12/2016 08:22

Which of the advice is wrong?

Genuine question, and telling it as it is might help dispel the ocean of ignorance, rather than just making it all sound a bit alarmingly wrong.

I'm asking because the advice, including yours, all seems to be pretty consistent 'see a solicitor, you might have to sell up'

Is it the bit about 'you'll need to think about whether you want a clean break or need to keep this particular joint property for a while in the interests of housing the DC' or the bits about seeing a solicitor to make arrangements for the DC?

TheNaze73 · 22/12/2016 08:42

Get a solicitor, on the face of it, you seem very exposed

alembec · 22/12/2016 09:09

I imagine your situation is very very weak. I am also unmarried, and my solicitor advised that I would not be entitled to any of his money, savings, future earnings etc. etc. If I were to be primarily caregiver, then I am entitled to child maintenance, but of course if they grant 50/50 contact then I'm not sure you'd be even entitled to that. Though there are various benefits available.

House wise it is very clear cut, you are both entitled to your share as per deed, and it is very hard and often quite costly to prove that you deserve more.

Please get professional advice.

In the meantime, and not sure if others would agree with me, I would absolutely NOT let on that you are thinking about this. In fact I'd up the charm quotient, while you get your ducks in a row. That means, besides seeing a solicitor which you ABSOLUTELY must do NOW:

Start saving loose change, cash back, refund money etc.etc. in your own saving account, online only or registered to a trusted family/friend. Ebay old stuff around the house and put the money into your account. Same with unwanted presents. Get as this as big as possible as quickly as possible. Ask him for cash/vouchers for Christmas.

Delete any online trail

Start diary for how much your DP sees and looks after his kids. This may be important for establishing level of contact in the future. if your DP sees his kids 4 hours every weekend it's going to be harder for him to fight for 50% of the week (assuming what you'd want is as much time as possible with your kids)

If you can, somehow get him to think that HE'D like to separate. This means there would be less anger towards you which I'm sure would be the case if you suggest you separate. He may well also be more generous with provisions for you and your children if he feels guilty about leaving you. When you know from the solicitor/online calculator how much you are likely to be entitled to, IF he offers more than this at any time, GET IT IN WRITING.

Try to see if you can get him to talk about how much he thinks his kids need to live to the standard he'd like - if he thinks they NEED private schools and ponies, then in a separation you can anchor to this, in order to encourage him to provide more than the minimum maintenance necessary.

Fact is OP, you really are not in a great situation in terms of protection by the law, so you will have to use your wiles to improve that situation. Frankly, if you can get him to marry you before you divorce him, you (and probably therefore the kids) would be much better off.

I know my advice sounds quite wily and almost dishonest, but it is tough, and you need to put you and the kids first.

And lastly, is there ANY chance you and your partner can go to counselling to work on the relationship?

Patsy99 · 22/12/2016 16:45

I don't think any of the advice on this thread is "nonsense". Generalised- but not wrong.

MrsBert - could you flag up which bits are wrong?

SilentBatperson · 22/12/2016 18:17

The main issue I can see is that people are saying she'll get half the equity without having the information to base this on. They might be right, but 'on the deeds' can cover a lot of things. It's possible to jointly own a house not in equal shares, and there won't be the presumption of 50/50 there potentially is in a marriage when you split up. So the people saying that might not be wrong, but they're wrong to say it on the basis of the info given, iyswim. OP could be in line for a lot less than 50% or a lot more, in theory.

I agree though OP, solicitor. I would also do a benefits check online. You can use the turn2us website. And I'd be thinking about my employment options. Presumably your 3 year old will be getting free hours as of January if they don't already, so that could be a big help.

Patsy99 · 22/12/2016 18:34

Useful point about the deeds silentBat.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 22/12/2016 21:07

Ooh which bits are nonsense? Genuinely interested.

pipsqueak25 · 22/12/2016 21:16

mrs please educate us, as this is interesting to know.
sadly it does not matter if you have been together 2 weeks or 20 years co -habiting it does weaken the position for you, get legal asap, keep stxp on side and hopefully it will be as smooth s it can be for you all.

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