Finish it now or see Xmas through

[Herald]

Hello long time user and lurker, been with my current partner 3years we are both divorced , don't live together and have our own houses . The relationship is very intense and we are very much in love , my partner likes to hear how much I love her all the time and I do show it lots ..now the problem we seem to have LOTS of silly little disagreements over something I have said or something she says , we both go out socially with friends for meals drinks etc and being honest a lot of these arise after alcohol. The next day we (me) sorts things out and we move on until the next time.

For example this weekend she got up at 2 am and went home because before we went to sleep I was being overly loving towards her and said 'I don't know how people live without someone special in there life' this translated to her as ' anyone will do for me know matter who it is'so she ranted and raved and stomped off into the night, the next day turned it all on me for saying the wrong thing (again we had been out with friends for drinks).
We have other issues including her son of 21 who doesn't work, verbally abuses and steals off her but she defends him regardless and this causes arguments.
We haven't spoken for a couple of days due to another ridiculous disagreement and I am feeling that the time is right to maybe end it BUT all presents are bought for our joint families and Xmas dinners arranged etc ....help do I split us now so near to the day or keep it going until after Christmas 😕

If you're sure that you want it to be over, sooner is better IMO.

I agree with Dozer that sooner is better and more honest than later. After a drink it seems things can get very twisted but there's also the issue of GF's son. This isn't going to change in the near future. It would be up to you whether you give the relevant gifts or not. Pretending your way through a time when celebration is often hand in hand with booze and tension sounds like an agony in the making for all, though. Nor does it sound like fun to end it and still keep joint Christmas plans. It sounds like you've actually made the decision to finish the relationship so role playing happiness might not be the kindest thing to do. What does your instinct say?

We have been in this same position many times and I know she will be waiting for me to make contact and smooth things over (which I normally do) but this time I feel totally different like its the right thing to do. But not feeling like I want to be messing everyone's Christmas up including my 12 yr old son who obviously doesn't see what goes on and thinks she is brilliant.

Sounds like you are not sure about this whole relationship, and haven't been for some time. Forget about the holiday plans and just sort things out now, because it would just be one more delay, which will translate into a month or so (people tend to soak all this holiday spirit and stuff and become blunt for a while afterwards). If you ask me, it seems like you have bigger problems to worry about than ditching some holiday plans.

There are many more problems with her constant craving of the showing of love and also a bit of Jealousy on her behalf which she denies saying it's just 'possessiveness of her man ' I feel like every time we have these moments / arguments /splits it has chipped away at my resolve and made me how I feel now , if that makes sense .

Ps everyone thinks we are made for each other and so in love with no problems.

I'd run a mile now. It all sounds too much & very tiring

'Possessiveness'? Are you happy being considered a possession, to be possessed by her?

No I am not happy with it and don't see her a a possession either , to be honest after being in a 20 yr marriage that had not much affection towards the end I liked the attention but now it's becoming a problem. I am busy with work until tomorrow evening I will then need to do the right thing .

If the issues arise mainly when you have both been drinking, is it worth saying to her you will give it one last chance if you take the drinking out of the equation?

I don't think that would be an option she would consider ..sadly

Ok, well then in fairness I think you have done all you can and you should end it asap. It's very considerate of you to think of how it will affect other people's Christmas, you don't need to, but if you want to just get through the day then do. And then pack her in so you can start 2017 on a fresh new footing. I hope you find happiness. You sound like a good person.

Sorry Herald, but if she's going to choose gin and tonics over potentially saving your relationship, it's not going to work between you anyway. It needs both of you to make the effort. Something she's clearly demonstrated on numerous occasions, she believes to be wholly your responsibility.

FWIW - I can't see anything wrong in what you said. Personally it sounded like a lovely sentiment, that was clearly about her and her alone.

I will then need to do the right thing
Yes indeed.
The right thing for both of you, sounds like ending it swiftly would be the best.
Spend a lovely stress-free Christmas with your DC and go into the new year with new freedom and new plans.
You say she wouldn't consider giving up alcohol.
Is there a reason for this?

She sounds immature and hard work -

I imagine a divorced couple in a new relationship would have lots of benefits - happy to be together enjoying the company etc rather than this petty stuff

Do you want a relationship with her?

Doesn't sound like it - there's your answer -

Whilst i agree that ripping off the plaster is generally the ting to do; from what you say, i doubt it would be without drama. For that reason alone id wait and get Christmas out of the way.

Don't lise your resolve, she sounds like a nightmare and dare i say it - controlling af.

Thanks for the replies I am meeting up later with her and decided to ride Christmas out amicably (which we can do) and then both maybe have a fresh start in the New Year ...to answer the question 'do I want a relationship ' it's a difficult one because I would say 90% of the time it is brilliant with lots of shared interests and great chemistry etc ..but every few months the wheels fall off and everything gets analysed.