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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling ex still attempting to control and ruining his own Christmas!

24 replies

debbs77 · 20/12/2016 15:53

I had invited my ex for Christmas as we have two young children together and it would be their first year without seeing him otherwise. Due to where he lives, it would mean him staying for Christmas eve night and Christmas day night.

However, he has recently been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive and I'm not willing to have him here over night! He can't afford a hotel.

I said he could see them (or rather have a Christmas day with us all) on Christmas Eve. But then he had a go at me about that too!

I offered for him to have them overnights on boxing day, even dropping them to him but he refuses!

He text this morning to say

I assume you'll be ok with me telling the kids that YOU didn't let me see them at Christmas?

Seriously? It's laughable!!!

OP posts:
m17362772 · 20/12/2016 16:06

This is what you get when your ex is a knob. Prepare for a lifetime of it. I have had much the same in the past!

gamerchick · 20/12/2016 16:08

Yep ^

Adora10 · 20/12/2016 16:17

It is laughable, don't ever let him stay over at your home, he's too volatile; what an absolute cheek he has got, his problem, his kids, think you were being far too nice tbh.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 20/12/2016 16:34

I'd be tempted to explain to your kids that you aren't prepared to have people stay over if they can't be nice: be that their dad or their friends. It shows your kids that a)there is a standard of behaviour expected, b) they (and you!) are entitled to stand up for themselves when someone is mean to them and c) you mean what you say - threats are not idle.

Stand your ground & enjoy a lovely Christmas

Original poster
debbs77 · 20/12/2016 16:46

I definitely won't be giving in! He made his bed and all that!

Also got another ex who is causing me problems. Seriously, I do pick 'em!

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 20/12/2016 16:49

Block him from your phone-mobiles make you too accessible
E mail only from now on-send one to him listing his possibilities (minus him staying-no way would I have that if he's abusive)
Then leave it at that. He's made the decision to be awkward.

RatherBeRiding · 20/12/2016 16:53

Well yes he has ruined it for himself, hasn't he? Not you - him. I think explaining to the DC that you don't have people staying who can't be nice (parents included) is a very good idea.

Good on you for sticking to your guns!

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 20/12/2016 17:12

I assume you'll be ok with me telling the kids that YOU didn't let me see them at Christmas?

Yup, fine. And I assume you'll be ok with me explaining to them it was because YOU couldn't control your abusive behaviour. Or shall we both behave like grown ups?

QuarterMileAtATime · 20/12/2016 17:32

You can't win with someone who is determined to be hostile. When I started thinking about Xmas, I was willing to have STBXH stay so we could all have Xmas morning together. But he went through a period of being awful. So I said I don't think it's a good idea to spend it together and create a hostile environment for the kids, and suggested he have them all Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day, and for another three nights between Christmas and New Year. But guess what? He's still being awful. It doesn't matter how nice and how reasonable I am, he is permanently angry with me (I made the decision to split, but his unrelenting behaviour left me no choice and it was definitely the right decision for us all).
I am starting to realise that the more awful he is, the more I try to compromise to make him happy, but it is never good enough and maybe I should just give up on having a good post-divorce relationship - because it takes two!
Here's to getting through Christmas! Wine

Original poster
debbs77 · 20/12/2016 17:41

QuarterMileAtATime do we have the same ex??????!!!!

OP posts:
kew1234 · 20/12/2016 18:04

Don't do it, if he comes to yours on Christmas Day he will ruin it for all of you. Made this mistake decades ago with eldest DS, I thought I was being nice and reasonable, first Christmas et all ......the ex was horrible, acted like he didn't want to be there, didn't play with DS, just ate, picked a pathetic argument that I refused to rise to & then left. Set what works best for you and your kids now & don't allow him to doormat you - as the reality is it doesn't matter how reasonable or sensible or even ridiculously nice you may be - you will always be in the wrong, and that sort always play the victim. Argh, sorry you are having to deal with this at Christmas. Also worth getting arrangements set in place through a lawyer or. Is it mediation (these days?) in the New Year and in writing. It still won't stop the the crap, but it does give you the lovely response of "refer to the agreement" when they kick off about wanting to change things yet again or throw the "you are using the kids as weapon" when you won't change the weekend as the ex has a party/stag do/random other thing they must go to! I suppose what I'm trying to say in a long winded way - is accept that they are going to be an Arse, set in place arrangements that are best for the kids (not the ex - it's the kids time not his) and learn to love your new life. It does get a whole lot better and yes he is still an Arse a decade on!

Simonneilsbeard · 20/12/2016 18:38

Yep I know all too well what's it's like dealing with an abusive asshole of an ex. Trying to co parent with them is a total nightmare. My ex used every single thing he could as an opportunity to continue his abuse and control of me. It's been 7 years now, I'm married to someone else and he still tries it!

Don't let him in your home, these people need clear boundaries. Don't listen to his obvious emotional abuse regarding telling the children. Tell the children yourself in an age appropriate way. You have my sympathy!

QuarterMileAtATime · 20/12/2016 19:28

Haha debbs I wish I could share him! Grin

Original poster
debbs77 · 23/12/2016 09:17

Now he is telling me that he will simply turn up Christmas day. I told him he isn't welcome, had actually offered for him to come round today. He is being extremely demanding and controlling and is telling me I can't stop him.

Do you think it is wise to ring 111 and let them know the situation? He has been removed from the house before when he lived here by the police for aggressive behaviour

OP posts:
FrostyWind · 23/12/2016 09:19

Tell him you will phone the police if he turns up.

Original poster
debbs77 · 23/12/2016 09:23

I have, he doesn't care

OP posts:
gamerchick · 23/12/2016 09:28

Then follow through and have him removed.

We're going out this year in case my ex turns up. That fucker is banned from my youngest. They just don't get it about their behaviour do they?

Original poster
debbs77 · 23/12/2016 09:31

They really don't! I am happy to ring the police. Just wish I didn't have to

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 23/12/2016 09:35

Do you have any adult family members coming round op? A father or brother for example?

Someone to answer the door?

Did he write any of this down in a text to you, that you have evidence he's threatened to come round? If so then I'd definitely show it to the police.

Ignore his comment about the kids. It's emotional blackmail.

Original poster
debbs77 · 23/12/2016 09:39

It's all via WhatsApp so I have just emailed myself the conversation so it is backed up.

Family are away over Christmas.

So tired of all this!

He has now said he won't come round as I've threatened the police but that he will make sure he tells the kids why he wasn't allowed here xxx

OP posts:
ptumbi · 23/12/2016 09:46

OP - 111 is the NHS non-emergency hotline.

101 is the police non-emergency hotline.

Cary2012 · 23/12/2016 10:02

Typically, he's lashing out, trying to reel you in and spoil your Christmas.

Men like this never 'own' their appalling behaviour.

Ignore him. If he turns up, which he won't, it's a threat to get you under control, then call police.

Tell the kids that they will see their dad another time, be matter of fact, and show them you're ok. They will mirror how you are.

Enjoy Christmas with your kids, and don't give him another thought.

AnInfiniteOceanOfLight · 23/12/2016 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
debbs77 · 23/12/2016 11:00

Ah 101. Thank you!

Yes he has done that a lot in the past. Though things like we would have an argument which he starts then ignore me for days. Then tell the kids "your mum did this, your mum did that". Hence why he is an ex!

OP posts:
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