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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Selfish husband

22 replies

Arena1 · 20/12/2016 00:22

Hi all. Just needed to get your views on this... I have been struggling to pay for Christmas-we have a 6 year old daughter and I have a large family. Plus I buy little pressies from our daughter to hubbys family. Hubby gave me £100 towards Xmas. Then bought himself a £350 record player. Meanwhile I'm overdrawn and worried sick!! It's not right is it?? I feel so cross it's just ruined Xmas for me 😬

OP posts:

Reality16 · 20/12/2016 00:25

Why are you not splitting the cost?

Original poster

Arena1 · 20/12/2016 00:26

Why are men so selfish?

OP posts:

Original poster

Arena1 · 20/12/2016 00:42

When he begrudgingly asked what I wanted I said 'nothing' I know we can't afford it

OP posts:

Reality16 · 20/12/2016 00:44

Why are men so selfish? well mostly they are not. You are talkin about ONE man. They are not all the same

Original poster

Arena1 · 20/12/2016 00:48

Are you a man?

OP posts:

Reality16 · 20/12/2016 00:51

are you a man No.

Original poster

Arena1 · 20/12/2016 00:55

Ok well I guess you're one of the lucky ones 😊

OP posts:

phoolani · 20/12/2016 00:58

Wow, that was a quick NAMALT appearance. It is shit, it really is. Where'd he get the money?

mummyto2monkeys · 20/12/2016 01:00

I would find the receipt, take it back and buy gifts for yourself and both of your families! Spending that much before Christmas is complete selfishness! My husband and I never buy each other gifts, we wait until the January sales and if there is something we need or want we buy it then.

I would be asking myself serious questions though, do you really want to be with a man who watches his wife struggle to buy gifts for their child and his family and hands over £100 only to spend £350 on himself! You could have had a lovely stress free Christmas with £450 to spend! How are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner etc now? I would be telling him to take his record player back and either put his wife and children first or find somewhere else to live!

Lorelei76 · 20/12/2016 01:02

IT was a quick NAMALT but it was in response to a bit of a bonkers comment....and to follow up with "are you a man"?!

Original poster

Arena1 · 20/12/2016 01:05

What 'bonkers comment' are you referring to?

OP posts:

Original poster

Arena1 · 20/12/2016 01:13

Thankyou for getting where I'm coming from. He has debt on his credit cards but doesn't seem to worry him. Worrys me tho!

OP posts:

TENSHI · 20/12/2016 03:25

You are both being unreasonable.

Leave him to buy presents for his family.

Men are not all selfish that is a sexist and unreasonable pronouncement but it sounds as if your particular case you and your dh have different attitudes to money which if left unchecked will leave your relationship in tatters.

Why is it up to your dh to give you money? If you are full of debt as you say then £100 sounds like a reasonable amount but let him sort out family presents.

Just get what you want and your dd wants and don't be a martyr!

If he totally disregards your feelings and buys things for himself that costs £100s then that sounds reckless and feckless and the resentment will eat you up and ruin your christmas.

Talk to him! If he couldn't care less about you or your feelings at least you will know where you stand!

Charlie97 · 20/12/2016 03:37

Why are men so selfish?

that's the bonkers comment I think the PP is referring to! It's fair to say it is pretty bonkers and a fairly sweeping generalisation. Clearly not ALL men are selfish, some are as are some women.

Don't buy his family presents fro your DD, you can't afford it! Simple, sorted!

Original poster

Arena1 · 20/12/2016 09:23

Thanks all of you for your comments. You have helped in changing my view on the situation. Perhaps I am being unreasonable too and have let the pressures of Christmas overwhelm me.

OP posts:

MidsummersNight · 20/12/2016 09:39

You're not being unreasonable, but you also kind of are.

Not all men are selfish, the man you happen to be with is selfish.

We're not "one of the lucky ones" for being with men who are not selfish, we just have enough self worth to find someone and be with someone who doesn't treat us like garbage...

timeforabrewnow · 20/12/2016 09:47

Charming MidsommersNight!

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2016 09:47

Ok, he gave you a hundred pounds towards Xmas, which gives you a budget of 200 if you match it. Is this for gifts for extended family and daughter or does it need to include Xmas food?

On the other hand, why are you over drawn? Did you spend more on gifts that the 200? Could you not afford the 100 and wanted him to cover you?

You both seem to be in debt and both handling your finances separately , so you maybe need to sit down and discuss how to manage better together going forward.

timeforabrewnow · 20/12/2016 09:49

I too must have very poor self worth as my own dear DH just spent £275 on clothes for himelf just before Christmas - and already has CC debt too.

He doesn't care about money in the same way that I do. I don't think it necessarily follows that I have no self worth and that he's a complete bastard. There might be a few shades of grey as well as your black and white version of things.

LemonSqueezy0 · 20/12/2016 11:49

Sorry, but I agree with PP who point out not all men are like that. It is pertinent as it shows the OP that it's not normal behaviour to expect. You are perhaps being a bit of a martyr so to keep your own sanity next year sit down with him and work out a budget and who is having what. This will help you share the load and make him equally accountable. Don't let it be just your problem

Reality16 · 20/12/2016 12:11

Wow, that was a quick NAMALT appearance. Well yes, because it's relevant. The OP has an issue with HER husband, not everyone else's . I asked why they were not splitting the cost in a direct response to the first post and rather than rely with any reasonable information all the OP said was 'why are men so selfish'. I think it was a legitimate response at that time to say 'they are not'

Then got accused of being a bloody man

That only goes to show that OP would rather make it a MAN issue then face the fact that there are some issues between her and her DH.

thegreysheep · 23/12/2016 19:18

I think NAMALT is important to say so that ppl in difficult situations can see what they're experiencing is not normal. If they think AMALT they feel more trapped and less likely to take action to improve their situation. My friend was in a relationship with an awful, controlling abusive man but she stayed longer than she would have as she had the view that 'all men are btards' (which she probably learned from early experience ) and better the devil she knew. Thankfully she's out now.
Not saying OP situation like that but that's why is important to point out that NAMALT . Apart from correcting the generalisation as well. It helps people be less fatalistic.

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