Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

How do I decide whether to end relationship?

21 replies

Bigfatgrinch · 19/12/2016 20:21

I am at a crossroads with my relationship and I have no idea what to do. The final straw (I've moved me & DS to a friend's house) was him going out drinking and returning more than 24 hours later still drunk abd with no contact all day. I had already asked him to look after DS today while I did something (he was warned before drinking ) yet this morning when I returned home he refused to get up and I had to take DS with me. This was 39 hours after he had originally gone out drinking!!!! I came home after doing my task (now 47 hours after going out drinking) and he is still in bed and hasn't moved. Would you end a relationship over this???? It isn't the first or even the 5th time this has happened!

OP posts:

CockacidalManiac · 19/12/2016 20:22

Simple answer is yes.

MinesAGin · 19/12/2016 20:23

Please don't say he's a good father!

He's a crap partner and a crap husband. He has a problem with alcohol which shows no sign of disappearing. Is there any point to him?

Original poster

Bigfatgrinch · 19/12/2016 20:30

I wasn't sure if I was overreacting. It seems trivial when you write it down but doesn't feel trivial. It's not even close to the worst he's done due to drinking/hangover. I know I should end it but I don't want to be alone forever and sometimes I think it's easier to stay in an ok relationship than leave and have no relationship.

OP posts:

CockacidalManiac · 19/12/2016 20:33

It doesn't sound like an OK relationship to me; it sounds pretty miserable for you.

jeaux90 · 19/12/2016 20:34

No it's not easier at all. As someone who was in a shitty abusive relationship I can tell you that 6 years after leaving his sorry arse I am still as happy as the day I left. Being a single parent is so much easier than being in a shit relationship. Big hug.

BigFatBollocks · 19/12/2016 20:39

When I left my ex he asked "would u rather be a single parent to 3 kids than be with me?". My answer was "yes". Yes, it is hard , but at least I don't have to put up with his shit anymore (I do worry about the future tho, but I stick to what I said,and I am happier, and skint!).

FlowerOfTheValley · 19/12/2016 20:49

It doesn't seem trivial at all. Parenting should be a joint affair and it sounds like you had another child over the weekend rather than a responsible father.

The occasional bender fair enough but he should be contactable even if it was just for an emergency. Given he's done this numerous times he will not change. If you stay with him this behaviour will remain part of your relationship.

Does the relationship make you happy? Do the good aspects outweigh the bad? Better to be single than with a partner that shows you no respect repeatedly particular when children are involved.

Original poster

Bigfatgrinch · 19/12/2016 20:51

You are all making me feel better about my decision,thank.

I always minimise things afterwards and we just plod along into the next flare up. It's even silly things like having to threaten to leave without him and go and sit in the car and wait because he is still in bed and hasn't packed when me and DS have coats on, bags pAcked and are ready to leave. Taking ecstasy at our sons Christening was also not a particular high point, or drinking until 9am the day we went to register his birth...at 11am. But I always think because he's not abusive and would never shout or name call that things really aren't that bad.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 19/12/2016 21:02

Erm yep. All those things you just listed are really shitty. You know what you need to do xxx

Original poster

Bigfatgrinch · 19/12/2016 21:09

I am forever going to be the grinch bitch who ruined Christmas. DS will have to come with me for Christmas (original plan partner would come too) and that's 200 miles away from where partner will be. Thankfully our son is still too young to realise but his family are not going to be understanding.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 19/12/2016 22:05

Sod them. Tell them to ask their son why you left. They probably know. And who cares. You and the dc can have a lovely Christmas. Assume you are going to your family or some close friends so I bet the kids and you will actually have a great time and you can relax. Xxx

Lulu2515 · 19/12/2016 22:21

He took ecstasy at your son's christening?! Flipping heck!

Original poster

Bigfatgrinch · 20/12/2016 18:38

And it's done! Feel fine at the moment but think the happy families Christmas posts might cause some tears. Know it was the right thing but still worry I'll look back in 2 years and realise I ruined my life and will be alone for a long time.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 20/12/2016 18:52

Well done, you have done the right thing, do you think he's an alcoholic or a binge drinker? either way he can't treat you and your DS like this. I have very low tolerance for drunken men, I walk off and leave them - they can get themselves out of their mess. My DP is strictly TT, Thank God, don't think I'd even date a man who drinks alcohol to get blotto. This is the first day of the rest of your life.

Original poster

Bigfatgrinch · 20/12/2016 21:10

I think him and his friends just think that level of drinking is normal. They all do it and he's sadly not even the worst. Mostly late twenties/early thirties btw so not really young. It wasn't even just the drinking. He also is useless in the house and has never put the washing machine on or cleaned the bathrooms, but couldn't have justified ending it for that.

Im feeling really calm so hopefully I don't come crashing down.

OP posts:

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 21/12/2016 00:07

Yes I would end it.

jeaux90 · 21/12/2016 15:23

Well done you won't come crashing down don't worry. You will quickly realise that your life is easier and calmer because you made the strong decision.

Be nice to yourself over Christmas, try and rest and have a good time.

There are decent men out there, after several single years (by choice) I am seeing a lovely person. Taking it slow though as I do love my independence If it's what you want longer term then I'm sure you'll meet someone nice too. One that doesn't do drugs, drinks like it's the Wild West or ruin family occasions. One that does his share of the housework etc.

Big hug and hope you enjoy Christmas xxx

viques · 21/12/2016 15:27

Toss a coin, heads you stay tails you go. Whatever your emotions are on the result will tell you what to do.

But frankly with what you have written I think I would be wondering if beating this particular dead horse is ever likely to get it out of bed.

sleepingkoala · 21/12/2016 15:51

He may have friends who drink too and normalise it but it sounds like he has a drinking/drug problem and is likely in denial about it. You have asked him to change and stop it but he hasn't. That is the most concerning thing. It's not fair on you and it seems he hasn't even expressed a desire to change and get better which would just be the very step.

PollytheDolly · 21/12/2016 15:55

Omg! Glad you've ended it. Sounds horrendous. He most certainly has a drink and drug problem whether he admits it or not.

And being drunk for that long. Selfish arse!!!!

userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 21/12/2016 18:23

Hi Grinch, just to throw a spanner in the works have you told him about the way you are feeling throughout the relationship and actually told him if he doesn't get help you will be leaving?

I ask this as I was like your partner, not to the level of taking drugs on my sons christening, but I was an alcoholic. DW left me in August, and she has only recently said that she didn't love me for the past three years - its hard to take, however I feel that the past three years have been a lie - IDK, maybe if she had told me how she was feeling I may have done sonething about it - I can't turn the clock back and fix it however

At this stage I have been sober since 6th Sept - My DW doesn't want to rekindle relationship and thats her decision - but if he doesn't know you have a problem with it he may not have the motivation to fix it

Flip