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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I warn his new GF without coming over crazy ex?

17 replies

GinAndSonic · 19/12/2016 19:51

Stbxh was emotionally abusive, occasionally physically abusive, sexually abusive. Just a cunt really. I've kept my nose out since I left over 3 years ago but in recent snooping on social media to see if his post match his claims of not working he seems to have a fairly new girlfriend who has two sons.

I can't warn her without coming across as a crazy bitter ex, can I?

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/12/2016 19:55

I would have thought that any claims of yours would be denied with claims of being stalked on social media. (I assume due to having kids and CM)

Joz157 · 19/12/2016 19:55

No not really, plus she might tell him at the best you might get a ranting message at the worst he might xcome and have a word or two with you in person. If I was you i feel I would have to warn her even more so with the 2 sons. Is there a friend that knows you both that could have a casual word with her.

loobyloo1234 · 19/12/2016 19:58

I don't think you can warn her OP to be honest. Much as you would like to. Was he ever charged with any of those offences? If he was, I would maybe be tempted to tell her

SandyY2K · 19/12/2016 20:00

Have you previously reported the physical abuse to the police? As they now have who Claire's law for this kind of thing.

Original poster

GinAndSonic · 19/12/2016 20:02

No, he was never charged with anything. There were reports made to the police just after I left when he was calling and making threats

OP posts:

VoldysGoneMouldy · 19/12/2016 20:03

I think if you've reported to the police, and have that to back you up, you possibly can, but otherwise sadly not. Have been in the same boat, and it's a shit one.

saltydogandme · 19/12/2016 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WynterBlossom · 19/12/2016 20:05

As much as I'd love to say "tell her, who gives a shite if you come across crazy", I'd say don't say anything....he will be able to pass it off very easily with her & generally make you look like the crazy one....it sounds bad but she needs to find out on her own.

Silly me was told by my ex's ex gf what he was like....I didn't disbelieve her or think she was crazy, I just thought "he isn't that bad".

Here I am, the ex gf who's now seen he's seeing another girl & hoping she doesn't message me in 6 months, pregnant with his child & him having done the same to her!

However, I will just have to leave it be, let her work it out for herself.

It's nice that you want to save her from the aggro you went through but it's highly likely he'll just kick off & she'll believe him over you....however it depends how early days it is.

AnInfiniteOceanOfLight · 19/12/2016 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 19/12/2016 20:13

I'd tell, it may not have an effect now, but it would hopefully help her to see him for what he is when he does it to her.

I wish I'd had the guts to see my ex for what he was and warn others. He went in to do it to others and much f my therapy was in dealing with the guilt of not facing up to what it was or warning others. He's been a shit to others but I don't know if he did to them as he did to me as many like me don't speak out for whatever reason.

PeppermintPasty · 19/12/2016 20:18

Well, remember that some people don't want to hear it. I chucked my lying, cheating, abusive cocklodger of an ex out three years ago. He physically abused me (he has a conviction for this), he stole small amounts of money from my bank account for 18 months after we split up (police STILL investigating it), he hasn't seen his(our) dc in over two years, and about a year ago drove his car at me in front of the dc and I had to take out a non molestation order.

Phew!

Anyway, his current (number 5, they never last) gf sought ME out, as she thought we could meet and then 'sort out' his not seeing the dc. (Oh how I laughed).

Turns out, she knew ALL about the above (through his filter of course), but she feels she 'must give him the benefit of the doubt' in relation to her.

Fuck me, some people are just plain deluded. She has three dc of her own too :-(

So, there we are. Don't bother!

WeDoNotSow · 19/12/2016 20:31

OP Unfortunately, I don't think there is a at you can without coming across as the bitter/spiteful/obsessed ex

Peppermint I think some women see this as a type of 'competition' (even if subconsciously), they believe that can be the one to 'change them', and put in the 'extra effort' that the previous women 'didn't bother' with. I've known a few people like that, it is mostly subconscious I think.

Joysmum · 19/12/2016 20:38

How has anyone else who, like me, didn't say anything, cope with the guilt of knowing they've done it again?

I've struggled with this above all else

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe · 19/12/2016 20:45

A friend of my mum's ex 'decided' not to warn her, and she, my mum's friend, ended up in hospital.

Tell her, whether she listens or not is up to her, but you'll have done your duty.

Women keeping schtum about abuse perpetuates it.

WynterBlossom · 19/12/2016 20:51

WeDoNotSew, hit the nail on the head!

I honestly believed I'd change my ex, that I'd put more in than she did.....a long the way he even pointed it out giving the whole "since I met you", I genuinely thought I'd changed him into a better man! Nope, it was all apart of his mental abuse, he made me "think" I was in control the whole time, whilst holding all of the strings!

jeaux90 · 19/12/2016 21:06

OP your best option is what Aninfinite posted. Fwiw I would want to know. I was about to start dating someone when I found something really bad out about them. I found his ex and asked her and I am very grateful she told me the truth. He had hospitalised her. I went nc straight away.

I applaud your desire here but you also need to protect yourself. Xx

PeppermintPasty · 19/12/2016 21:21

Yep, WeDoNotSow, I pretty much said that to her (this gf is not striking me as particularly dim, but she very placidly took it while I listed all he had done). I believe she will wear herself out, absolutely rinse herself trying to make it right. I recognise that because of course, muggins tried it for years!!

We had a very long chat, mostly me talking tbh. Was very cathartic for me. She has just come out of a long marriage and was, it seems to me, desperate to prove she could still pull etc (her ex got a new gf pretty quickly). My ex was waiting for her, he targets women with a set-up, i.e. A house, a bank account etc etc. She said to me during our conversation that she was 'as hard as nails' but it was painfully obvious to me that she's anything but. I actually said to her at one point, 'so, I'm sitting here telling you that your BF is an abusive, cheating, violent thief who doesn't see or support his dc, and you're just sitting there, no reaction'.
But, really, what could she say? She was hardly going to admit I am right. She'll have to have the misfortune of finding that out for herself.

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