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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Family mediation

10 replies

Isaintheshop · 19/12/2016 08:53

Long story - asked for divorce very nearly a year ago. Tried to go down collaborative approach - DH in total denial, wouldn't get solicitor. Background of emotional and financial abuse.Since requesting divorce -loads of threats, including repeated assertions that I am mentally unstable / mentally ill, alcoholic, abusive to my child by breastfeeding beyond 2, will make sure I get no access at all to child.
Just about ready to get court papers in as seem to have no choice and I get left a note this morning asking me to go to family mediation in the New Year. Obviously I need to clarify - does he still think this is fixable? (I think he may do as he is totally head in the sand) and what he thiks it will achieve, and also need to pester my solicitor too about any impact of saying no.
I just feel like this is a further manipulation to keep things under his control and his time frame.
Any advcie greatfully received.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 19/12/2016 09:16

Ask your sol but I don't think mediation is ever recommended under abusive circumstances. He clearly doesn't understand that you don't need his permission to end the marriage.

Horrible situation for you, big hug xx

Hermonie2016 · 19/12/2016 09:18

Are you still living together?

Mediation is often recommended as a starting point so perhaps he has now spoken to a solicitor.

Typically mediators are trained solicitors and wouldn't consider themselves counsellors.
The agenda is chosen and agreed on by the couple, so you can chose to discuss children contact or finances.

I will be starting mediation in the New Year for finances but am very cautious as stbxh has been aggressive and the thought of being in a room with him is not pleasant.However I may try it (as courts prefer) and use solicitors/court if it fails.

Mediation is not recommended when there has been DV.

Original poster

Isaintheshop · 19/12/2016 09:50

Thanks. We are still living together and he "refuses to go" anywhere though fortunately works a few days a week away most weeks when he lives in his own flat. He's been ignoring solicitors letters for months

OP posts:

Teabay · 19/12/2016 10:42

I'd go. Say 'Brilliant, thank you so much for agreeing that there will be a split & subsequent divorce between us, I'm so glad that you also think a legal record of our conversation, thoughts & wishes is needed".

Go to mediation, when you're there with an expert say you want to split & talk about how to co-parent or agree money or whatever. If your OH doesn't join in, he looks a twit. If he bullies you, he looks a twit. If things are agreed, you've made a good legal start. Frankly it's only a good thing for you!

Original poster

Isaintheshop · 19/12/2016 11:14

Cheers Teabay. That's a good way to look about it. Sadly have my writ just about ready to go to court too... but then I was desperate to avoid court before but felt I had no option so maybe its a good thing.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2016 11:34

If you attend be sure to tell your mediator about his abuse.
It may put a very fast stop to any further mediation and hurry along the divorce!

Teabay · 19/12/2016 11:44

I'm really scared today - I have my first mediation meeting with ea exh. Just dreading being in a room with him, makes me feel my vulnerability all over again. Anyone any help on how to 'be in my power'? I think I'll just sob.

Original poster

Isaintheshop · 19/12/2016 11:50

Probably all a lot of rot but have you read about "power pose" - stand tall, sit up, head high - basically do the body language of being in power and apparently its easier to feel empowered. If you cower you'll feel cowered

OP posts:

donners312 · 19/12/2016 13:13

maybe don't jump to speak let him talk (and bury himself, take notes ) and then respond when he has finished and you feel composed?

sazjmartin88 · 20/12/2016 13:34

I wish you all the best with mediation Isaintheshop. It is important that when you meet with the mediator at your individual mediation information and assessment meeting (MIAM) that you share your worries regarding the abuse in the relationship as jeaux90 is right mediation is often not suitable when there are current and ongoing abuse issues. But it is not your responsibility to make this decision. You share with the mediator your worries in this meeting as its confidential and you can both make a decision about whether mediation is the right process for you. It may be that after getting the information about mediation that you decide you don't wish to proceed and that's absolutely fine as mediation is a voluntary process. You are only obliged to attend the information meeting not mediate. Wish you all the best.

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