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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone here

20 replies

Starbrite00 · 18/12/2016 04:29

I need someone to talk to. Today I found out my partner has been having an affair for two years.
I feel like my whole world is destroyed and I have two daughters.
He has left saying he is going to his mums to have some time to think. He has switched off his phone and I have no way to contact him.
I'm desperate and have no family.

OP posts:
Sierra259 · 18/12/2016 04:34

I'm here to hand hold Flowers I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your girls. He is a complete and utter shit Angry

How old are your DD's?

ohfourfoxache · 18/12/2016 04:35

Offering another hand to hold Thanks

prettywhiteguitar · 18/12/2016 04:36

Oh god that's awful, you poor thing Sad

Original poster
Starbrite00 · 18/12/2016 04:38

My baby turned two last week and my other girl is 10.
I have no one but them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starbrite00 · 18/12/2016 04:40

I found out through the neighbour asking him how his partner was after her dad died. I obviously knew that wasn't me.
I asked him to call her and tell her how he has lied to her too. He told her we weren't together anymore despite my girl being just born.
She met his parents once and he says he sees her at work everyday and twice a week.

OP posts:
namechange102 · 18/12/2016 04:43

So sorry Starbrite. What do you know? Do you need to know more from him, or can you go non contact while you sort your head out? What a nasty bastard he is. And a horrid time to find out. Flowers Chocolate for you, try to stay strong. Although it's early, think about what YOU want/need out of this situation. He's got away with being a selfish shit for long enough.

Original poster
Starbrite00 · 18/12/2016 04:48

I know she works in HR at his work. They have been having an affair and they have had sex. He said she has only been at our house once and never had sex there.
Thing is he was telling me stuff and then o would question it and it would be lies again.
I have messaged her on Facebook after finding her profile but she hasn't read the message.
He called her when I was there eventually but then he got upset and said he loved her. How!!!
I asked if he loved me and he said yes then said he didn't know what he felt anymore.
Last week we were planning another baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starbrite00 · 18/12/2016 04:51

I keep checking my phone to see if he has read messages. His phone is off. I have emailed work and personal email.
I know he is on call this weekend but I don't know the on call work phone.

OP posts:
namechange102 · 18/12/2016 04:56

How long is he staying at his mums for? Can you ring her directly? I would bet he's either not there, or hasn't given her the real story. Would she support you if she knows the truth?

Original poster
Starbrite00 · 18/12/2016 04:58

We went to her today and told her everything. I only have her mobile number and it's switched off.

OP posts:
namechange102 · 18/12/2016 05:00

You and him went together? How did she react?

Original poster
Starbrite00 · 18/12/2016 05:05

Sad. Yes we went together. Then came home and I left to get my girls smdthen he called to say he was going to his mums. I'm at friends house and not berm back home.

OP posts:
Colabottle10 · 18/12/2016 06:56

Fuck him.

Stop trying to contact him, stop texting and ringing and emailing and stop trying to get in contact with the OW. Its fuck all to do with her.

You need to get your big girl pants on and GET ANGRY.

HE DOES NOT GET TO DICTATE WHAT HAPPENS FROM NOW ON.

He has been lying to you for 2 years. He has had sex with someone else behind your back and believe me it won't have been just the once.

You need to get smart;

  1. Book an STD test as your first port of call.
  2. Get your financials straight. Is the house rent/mortgage? How joint are your finances?
  3. GET birth certs and passports somewhere safe.
  4. Pack his stuff up and put it outside. Text him once to tell him his stuff is ready to collect.
  5. Don't do the pick me dance

Everyone at work knows, your neighbours know and she's met his bloody parents!

He is a cunt.

Wishing you luck.

Original poster
Starbrite00 · 18/12/2016 08:57

I wish it were that easy. I love him. I have no one else.
This is hell and I honestly find it hard to breathe.
I agree he shouldn't dictate and in my mind I know I can never trust him now.

OP posts:
Sierra259 · 18/12/2016 09:25

Maybe just turn your phone off for today, so you aren't torturing yourself to see if he's responded. Can you get back into your house today? It would probably be less disruptive to your DC to be at home, and it would give you access to the important documents you should dig out and keep in a safe place (mortgage/tenancy documents, passports, bank details etc). Let the kids watch a dvd while you go through everything sitting with them.

Packing a bag for him is a good idea so he doesn't have to hang around if he comes to get stuff. Remember that this is all new for you, he has known all this is going on for years, so he won't be having the same emotional response that you are and will probably seem quite cold and logical about everything. At a minimum, I would insist he gives you a few weeks to get your own head in a slightly better place before you discuss anything with him. This mess is his doing, he can stay at his mum's and do things on your timetable.

More Flowers. Stay strong. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.

Original poster
Starbrite00 · 18/12/2016 14:41

We spoke on the phone today. He wants to leave me. Apparently she is more important than me and his children.
I'm not even being given the respect to do it face to face. Apparently he can't handle speaking as he finds it so hard.
He says he loves her. I'm not sure how that's possible given they have never been a proper couple and she's 23 apparently. We are both 36.
Cannot believe someone I adore can tell me me and my girls are not worth the sacrifice.
It s end silly but it hurts to breath just now.
He has turned off his phone again and won't respond to anything.

OP posts:
tinglyfing · 18/12/2016 16:22

Hand holding here! Keep posting. It feels unbearable I know. You'll be ok. Vent on here as much as you need to. Stay away from your phone. I know it's so so hard, but you will get through this. You will. Focus on your gorgeous children.

namechange102 · 23/12/2016 11:27

Just wondering how you were, Starbrite? Has anything been sorted in the past few days? I do hope you are able to have a decent Christmas with your dc, whatever you decide. Are you spending it with friends who can help keep your spirits up?

StiffenedPleat · 23/12/2016 11:47

I'm so sorry. What a shitty partner/husband/father he is. He's been lying to you for two years. It's good that you know. Even thought it's very hard going for you now playing catch up.

Lotsofponies · 23/12/2016 12:41

I am so sorry to hear this. You are worth so much more than this. he is in a fantasy world at the moment, it is not real, so don't see it as anything you have done wrong. It is easy to be fun, exiting and carefree in an affair, it's hard to create that at home with a family, he has taken the cowards option. Y
This is hard and painful, but eventually you will feel better. Chanel your efforts into caring for you and your children. Don't pursue him at all, go NC. When you feel a little stronger start getting your ducks In a row it's amazing how much stronger you will feel once you start taking control. Hang in there, we are all here if you need to rant and cry.

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