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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

PLEASE HELP

26 replies

user1481892696 · 18/12/2016 01:27

I have posted this a few times and I'm not recieving any replies but please someone help me. I'm feeling completely hopeless.

I was recently in an abusive relationship that I am now out of. The break up was difficult as he turned it all around on me saying I was 'making something out of nothing' and that I was 'pathetic'. I want to be able to move on from this but I can't seem to get over one night. I'm not sure whether or not he raped me. I haven't been able to eat or sleep properly now for 6 months and I am constantly on edge. If I am out and doing things I am fine but as soon as I am alone I feel hopeless and can't stop thinking about it. I apologise for the graphic description I am about to give to you but I feel it is needed to know what really happened and what it is classed as.

Well we went to the pub and drunk a bit, I was extremely drunk and pretty much unable to stand. When we got back I went to bed and he came in and I kissed him, he then threw me back on the bed and flipped me onto my front (he was a big guy and being drunk made me feel like he was just throwing me around like a ragdoll) and then he really violently had sex with me pinning my arms back and he hit me etc. I clearly wasn't enjoying it but I never said no. Then he like put me on my back and ejaculated on my face. At this point I started crying and I had a panic attack, to which he got really angry about and was shouting at me 'WHAT IS WRONG WHY ARE YOU CRYING' but as I was breathing funny I couldn't reply. After he apologised and said 'I got angry because I thought I hurt you and I thought you were being a drunk idiot and not telling me and it frustrated me' so we just led in bed and hugged and he got me some tissues and I calmed down. The next day as well I was clearly very distant and jumpy and he almost chose to ignore it. He did apologise and said 'maybe I was too rough I won't do it again' but I cannot get it out of my head and feel I can't move on until I have closure.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Somerville · 18/12/2016 01:32

Have you thought about phoning rape crisis? You can discuss any kind of sexual violence with them, and it sounds like that could be very helpful for you.

And since you ask - yes, I would consider this to be rape. You didn't consent from the sounds of it. Women who are raped are often unable to say the word no because of fear or shock or confusion or due to the effects of drugs/drink. It doesn't matter, it is still rape.

Original poster
user1481892696 · 18/12/2016 01:38

Thank you for replying to me it means a lot. I'm not sure about talking to anyone, I just needed to know what people would class this as

OP posts:
JessieDoops · 18/12/2016 01:39

I completely agree with the previous post. You didn't/couldn't consent to sex therefore it was against your will. Please please seek some professional help/advice.

I myself was in an abusive relationship (more emotional than violence) and I promise you things will get better but for now you need to deal with the issues that are making you so down.

I can't say it enough, please seek some professional help.

RedastheRose · 18/12/2016 01:40

Yes I think most people would think it was rape tbh. You need to get some counselling to help you deal with what happened. Like Somerville said you should think about contacting rape crisis

Original poster
user1481892696 · 18/12/2016 01:41

I want to be able to go into the Navy in 2018 so I'm worried that if I seek professional advice I may not be able to join.

Thank you so much for your help.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1481892696 · 18/12/2016 01:41

I just loved him so much it's so hard for me to think that he would have done that to me if that makes sense.

OP posts:
JessieDoops · 18/12/2016 01:43

I don't think this will effect your chances of getting into the navy at all. What had happened is NOT your fault, and you will not be punished for seeking help to deal with it

Original poster
user1481892696 · 18/12/2016 01:45

I think that at the moment I'm quite embarrassed by what happened. Are there any ways you can get professional help without actually having to meet anyone?

OP posts:
Somerville · 18/12/2016 01:46

I can say with some knowledge (I'm an army brat) that being on even keel emotionally is very important for admittance into the RN. Many women who have been raped understandably find it is too hard to deal with alone and need some outside help - rape crisis is a good place to start, and confidential.

Original poster
user1481892696 · 18/12/2016 01:47

Okay thank you. I will try them then, I don't want my admission to be turned away because of this.

OP posts:
Somerville · 18/12/2016 01:48

I cross posted there.

Jessie is 100% right that this is not your fault.

Rape crisis has a phone line. The number you would call depends on your location as it is organised regionally. There may be an option for email, too.

Original poster
user1481892696 · 18/12/2016 01:49

Would they talk to me? Some lines don't talk to people under 18.

OP posts:
RedastheRose · 18/12/2016 01:50

You shouldn't avoid seeking help and assistance because of something that was done to you which is a criminal offence. I think that you can speak to rape crisis in confidence. Also you should be able to get help and assistance from citizens advice about what confidential services you can access if you really can't face going to your doctor to get a referral for counselling.

Original poster
user1481892696 · 18/12/2016 01:55

As I'm under 18, if I get professional help will my parents find out?

OP posts:
RD82 · 18/12/2016 02:00

Please speak to Rape Crisis lovely. It's all confidential. It will have no effect whatsoever on your RN application but it's so important you get this dealt with in your own head.

Do not doubt yourself or think this is in any way your fault - I would very much agree with the others, this man raped you.

Original poster
user1481892696 · 18/12/2016 02:01

Thank you, I will call them tomorrow

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 18/12/2016 02:10

How old are you? How old where you when this happened and how old was he?

Yes it was rape and no, speaking to people who can help will not affect your application.

Original poster
user1481892696 · 18/12/2016 02:13

I am 17, at the time that it happened I was 17 and and he was 20

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 18/12/2016 02:23

I asked because I was concerned that you were a fair bit younger and him a fair bit older. I hope you understand.

Please do call the helpline, they can help you.

I was raped at 19 by my then boyfriend and the hardest part of it was accepting that I had been raped. I made all sorts of excuses, but the fact was that he did what he did against my wishes. My experience was similar to yours in that I was never actually asked if I wanted to have sex, he just did it. I never said no, and that was what made me think that I hadnt been raped. A counsellor explained to me that not being given the chance to say no is the same as saying no and not being listened to.

None of what happened is your fault, you couldnt have stopped him and he deserves to burn in hell for what he did to you. xxxx

Original poster
user1481892696 · 18/12/2016 02:26

Thank you for taking time and talking to me about it it means more than you can imagine. I'm going to try and get some help for it, maybe it will help me come to terms with it.

I think it's even harder when it happened with someone you loved.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 18/12/2016 03:10

I think it's even harder when it happened with someone you loved.
It is because you dont want to believe that he would do that to you, except that he did.

I understand. Take care x

MNHQ
LouMumsnet · 18/12/2016 13:53

OP, you've been given some good advice here. You may also find this information useful - www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/we-believe-you-campaign-rape-myths-busted
Best of luck and take care.

Original poster
user1481892696 · 18/12/2016 16:49

Thank you everyone so much x

OP posts:
fruitgarden · 18/12/2016 17:00

This reply has been deleted

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SpiritedLondon · 18/12/2016 17:40

Hi OP. I'm not sure what area you are in but in London you can access a service from an ISVA - independent sexual violence advisor. They have specialist services for young people - although it is a slightly piecemeal service offered by a range of charities like Rape crisis. It isn't accessed via your GP so I can't see how the Navy would know about it. It could be that that service is also offered outside London but I'm not certain. It should be easy to check. I have worked in law enforcement in sexual offences and they would be my port of call for practical help in your position.

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