Am I just not nice to be around..?!

[Cloud9889]

I am a mum to two boys aged 3 and 10 months. My issue of late has been that my mum never seems to want to spend any time with me alone. Whenever I see her or she comes round she has to bring my dad. She never seems to want to do mother daughter things. We haven't always had an amazing relationship and she has sometimes been known to make the odd catty mark to me which I feel she either doesn't know or doesn't care hurts me. Anyway does anyone else have this kind of relationship with their mum? She slags off my sister to me and used to slag off my dad to me .. it just gets to me when I see people saying 'me and my mum did this ' or 'my mum took kids on their own ' . I'm not nasty to my mum but sometimes it gets to me the way our relationship is .. maybe I'm just expecting too much or being over sensitive ??

PS not sure if it makes a difference but growing up she had a fairly demanding / Long hours career so I didn't see as much of her as I would have liked

I think the issue is with your mum rather than you. Have you spoken to her and asked her why she behaves this way?

Not everyone is blessed with a DM that cares about the daily life of their DD. I can't imagine it myself as a mum, but my DM never does any of those things either. She talks relentlessly about herself, the children of her friends she knows but I don't. It's wearing.

You aren't expecting too much. It's not about the amount of time she gives you but that as a kid, and now, you seem to feel something is wrong and she isn't giving her self to you.
You cannot change her but you can do a couple of things. You can speak to her honestly about how you feel? Or, you can accept the way things are. Either way you should acknowledge your feelings about this and how sad it makes you, that's perfectly understandable. Who knows, much of her distance with you now, and in the past could be about her own upbringing/life, it's unlikely to be your fault at all.

To be honest I'm not sure I want to bring it up with her. I tried a while ago about something and she denied it ever happened. I've spent a lot of money I don't really have on counselling - I just wish there was a way I could continue to be civil to her without secretly feeling resentful about things she has said / done In the past which have upset me. Some of the things one of my sister's has told me she has said to her are just awful

She's not always nasty and can actually be quite pleasant and helpful with my DC at times so maybe I just need to learn to look at the positives - I just wish I get over this resentment and anger of the past !! - maybe it will pass ?!

I can relate to this. Now that you are a mother you can see more clearly that you were in fact 'undermothered' or she shows little interest in you or she cannot relate to your feelings. This is not your fault but you will need to go through a process of accepting her limitations.
I am reading 'the emotionally absent mother' by Jasmin Lee Cori which is revealing and helpful xx

I found with my dm the secret was to accept her the way she is. We can have a fantasy about the mother we'd like or accept the reality of the one we have. It's the space between the two that causes upset. What l found with my own was she didn't seem.half as bad once l let go the fantasy hand at times she surprised me.
The other thing is not to indulge in gossip with your dsis about stuff sure has said. It's hurtful of her to be passing it on.
Maybe sometime Tey to get her to talk to you about her childhood. She might be doing well to be as good as she is. A lot of that generation didn't get much mothering themselves. I also found as my dc went through their teens l wasn't always the great mother l feel l was when they were sweet and cuddly. That made me see that it's not always easy to live up to how we would like to be ourselves.

The problem is your mum, not you.

Lots of links on the "stately homes" threads for example.

It doesn't sound like it'd be sensibe for mum to be unsupervised with your DC, eg she has a history of saying horrible things privately to family members. I had a grandparent like this who sometimes looked after us and often didn't tell my parents about her behaviour.

found with my dm the secret was to accept her the way she is

This.

Accept a cooler relationship. Some people cannot tolerate other people 'needing' them. It makes them push you away even more. They are hypervigilant for signs you may want more than they can offer.

If you work on becoming emotionally independent of her/the mum you wish you had, you have a better chance of getting a manageable relationship.

I struggled for years, and finally accepted that my DM was not able to offer what other DMs offer. She had a tricky childhood and has lots of issues.

What was her relationship with her mum like?
Do you think she is happy about herself? - might she think that you don't want to be with her (e.g. as she thinks she is boring and you have more interesting friends)?

Hey guys thanks really interesting points. My mum had a fairly traditional set up growing up although she doesn't talk about it much. I think she has had a hard time with getting pregnant at university in the 70's .. then divorced ... Then when my dad struggled with paid work she became the main breadwinner for us which I really don't think she was comfortable with (her mum was A SAHM) She certainly has not had an easy life but she did work hard to support us... It was hard to hear her tell me when I was younger that she wanted to leave my dad.. she said she wanted to leave and was wItinh for us to leave home ... I left.. she never did

I have agreed to let them care for DC one day a week (I asked them). They can be caring (more my mum ) and I think it might be better for my younger son but not I'm really doubting my decision!??

Now I'm doubting I meant

I think that decision might not be a good one given what you've said. Are you 100% sure your mum will be consistently kind to both DC?

IME some parents with flaws seek to bypass their DC and spend time alone with their GC, which when there are issues in the primary relationship between the GP and parent isn't good for the parents or GC IMO.

I do have bias as the GC of some GPs with flaws and/or major issues that meant they were poor parents and GPs! Some boundaries were in place, but due to financial and WoH pressures one GP often looked after us who wasn't ideal, and at the time we as GC were too young to understand that some of that person's behaviour was inappropriate or tell our parents.

My DM is the same. It really can be heartbreaking can't it? Like you I've had counselling and really struggled to get past it.

I got engaged when on holiday last week and when DF and I went to visit she didn't even congratulate me until I asked if she was going to.

Trying to not have high expectations of her has helped me a bit. She isn't really emotionally capable of having the relationship I want. Therefore it's slightly pointless (although bloody understandable) for me to get upset.

I would agree with others regarding your DC. Definitely be hyper vigilant to her running you/others down to them. My DM was always calling my DF to me when I was younger and it definitely made a lasting, negative impression.

Thanks as it's one day a week im inclined (for money is tight ) to give them a chance but I am not 100% about it which I am struggling with a bit . My DS 1 will be at school 7 months after I go back though and I think they may manage better with one.

I do understand a bit of where some of my people pleasing personality came a bout tho... My sister was hospitalised with anorexia when I was 15 - my parents didn't really discuss it and just carried on as best but I could see they found it difficult and did everything I could to be 'the perfect daughter ' to make up for what was happening with my sister and in there difficult lives

Is this mummy - congratulations on your engagement - can't believe you had to ask your mum !! My mum has never said congratulations to me for babies , engagement or wedding..
Apparently she was really off at my sister's recent wedding and it upset my sister which is such a shame (I had a 3 week old so wasn't really around much !!) . She got married when she was pregnant and when she married the second time to my father they kept it very low key (didn't even invite her mum ) (maybe second marriage a bit frowned upon then and they were already living together ??) So maybe she just doesn't get it.
I also got married when pregnant and didn't have much time to plan but I love weddings - other people's weddings are so much less stress and I am always grateful and happy to go - I just wish for my sister's sake she could have been a bit happier at least on the day for her

Is this mummy I meant I can't believe you had to ask for congrulations - maybe your mum is jealous of you and bitter ?

I sometimes think my mum is a bit like (with weddings etc) 'i didn't hav that so why should you...'

Sounds like a definite case of jealousy regarding both you and your sister Cloud. Very hard to deal with. Your mum sounds like she has some really narc traits. There's a few excellent books on the subject you might benefit from reading.

My mum did congratulate us after ten minutes when prompted, but seriously...I'd have been at the front door with champagne if it was my daughter!

It's just so tough. I don't think you ever stop longing for the mum you wish you had...

great post there junebirthdaygirl

Some people just don't have that close relationship that everyone seems to expect from mothers and daughters. Lots of people, in fact, because its not the automatic thing.
You need to accept the relationship that you have, which is a lot more than some people.Free childcare is pretty good, for one thing.

Criticising one child to the other is not on (except in exceptional circumstances) I reckon

My mother gave me no help at all planning my wedding, not that I was expecting any. The sole comment she made throughout the whole event was that my bouquet was a bit too large for her liking. Tbh, I am only mildly upset about it in retrospect, because at the time, I was just used to the way she behaved and thought all mothers behaved like that!

This sort of thing can be so hurtful but I agree with other posters that you need to try and remove yourself a little bit and draw a protective wall around yourself. Usually, it's not personal what they are doing, it's just that they are flawed like everyone, and as others have said, have had pretty crap upbringings themselves.