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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

False Accusations of Abuse

24 replies

Wavingnotdowning · 05/12/2016 13:43

What should I do - our daughter is making accusations of physical abuse against her brother to a therapist, although we know they are not true. She is in her twenties now and being very hurtful. Over the years we have experienced all sorts of lies from her, but I feel this could become really difficult and I don't know if I should ignore her or confront her. We haven't told our son incase he gets really worried unnecessarily. I would really welcome some advice xx

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2016 13:44

How do you know they are not true please?

Soubriquet · 05/12/2016 13:45

What Bluntness said

How do you 100% without a doubt know she's lying?

Bailey101 · 05/12/2016 13:46

Do you know irrefutably that they're untrue, and could you prove it if needed? Has there been any come back from the allegations yet?

JE678 · 05/12/2016 13:46

How can you possibly be 100% sure it isn't true?

PurpleDaisies · 05/12/2016 13:46

I can appreciate you're in a horrible position with one if your children accusing the other but you can't just write off what your daughter is saying.

Has she reported her abuse to anyone? Don't take sides, let the authorities investigate.

ThatStewie · 05/12/2016 13:47

Incidents of womennlying avout abuse are incredibly rare. Parents not realising one child is abusing the other isn't rare.

Bailey101 · 05/12/2016 13:47

Also, how did you find out as surely the therapist would be bound by confidentiality? Did she you herself?

Amandahugandkisses · 05/12/2016 13:48

How can you say there was no abuse and why are you taking sides? Why don't you believe your daughter?

Amandahugandkisses · 05/12/2016 13:50

There was a recent thread on here where s mother had come home and witnessed her son physically abusing her daughter by chance. On further questioning the daughter had confided that it had been going on for years. The mother had not been aware at all.
Be very careful here OP.

Original poster

Wavingnotdowning · 05/12/2016 13:56

Because we know for sure that on the occasions she cited he wasn't living at home, in face he was abroad. She has also said things about us that were not true either - for example that we threw her out of the house. She is extremely manipulative, and flounced out when she couldn't get her own way. A friend collected her in her car and my husband and I repeatedly said to her that we didn't want her to leave. She had a drug problem in her teenage years and the school also experienced her lies.

We love her dearly but she has always been jealous of her brother, from a young age, even scratching obscenities into furniture and signing his name underneath. I am at my wits end with this. He is now doing well financially and that seems to have made her worse. Her stories also change, originally her accusations were that he pushed her down the stairs - which he did when he was 5 years old, and which we acknowledged and sorted out at the time, but her claims now are really not true.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2016 14:07

Then I don't understand why your son would be worried, if they were not in contact at the time and it would be impossible?

Original poster

Wavingnotdowning · 05/12/2016 14:11

It just seems to go on and on. We haven't told her that her accusations don't stand up I suppose, because I don't want a confrontation with her, but perhaps we should. I'm also worried she might change her stories.

What my husband wants is for us all to get on. Perhaps thats hopeless.

OP posts:

pinkblink · 05/12/2016 14:15

What an awful situation for you to be in, is there going to be an investigation into the claims?

JE678 · 05/12/2016 14:18

Are the timeframes tied to important events? For example, "it happened the night of my 18th birthday" or just periods of time- summer 2001 etc? Having helped someone recover from an abusive childhood I can tell you the specific times can get mixed up as the memories are often fairly heftily suppressed for a long time. Before you dismiss it out of hand you really need a proper conversation with your daughter about it. As a PP said allegations of abuse are rarely false. Could you go to therapy together so the discussion can be guided?

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2016 14:22

Yes, I was wondering that on the timeframe, making false accusations is one thing, making them so they are easy to disprove another thing entirely because they are not even physically possible.

Kr1stina · 05/12/2016 14:25

Of course her son would be worried, even if he is innocent . How would you feel is your sibling accused you of abuse ?

And I'm afraid that some people do lie about being abused, both men and women. Remember that someone who is falsely accused is a victim and also needs sympathy and support .

JE678 · 05/12/2016 14:26

Is the allegation of child on child abuse? If so you really should discuss it with your son. He may have been a victim himself. If it's all made up then he is an adult and should have the opportunity to answer the allegations,

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/12/2016 14:28

How are you finding out whay she says to her therapist OP?

PurpleDaisies · 05/12/2016 14:28

That goes against all the advice on what to do with allegations of abuse. You don't investigate yourself. You inform the police who investigate.

JE678 · 05/12/2016 14:31

Clearly the PP is not going to the police as she won't even tell her son...

JE678 · 05/12/2016 14:31

*OP, sorry

Finola1step · 05/12/2016 14:33

Same question as Dione

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 18:03

I am not saying the accusations are true, but it is very normal for people making an allegation to get dates and details wrong. They are usually reporting long after the event and are remembering a highly, highly stressful experience. Lots of witnesses are discredited on the basis that they get basic facts wrong, but actually their allegations emerge as substantially true.

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 18:07

What my husband wants is for us all to get on. Perhaps thats hopeless.

Your priority needs to be supporting your children, not plastering over serious allegations in some misguided effort to keep the peace. Either she is lying, mistaken or telling the truth. Whichever of these is the case, it has serious implications for your family. Painting a rainbow and suggesting you all make friends isn't the answer.

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