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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH drinking - a bit too much?

16 replies

pooh2 · 04/12/2016 09:09

Sorry this has probably been done to death... DH drinks almost every day. Mostly a can or two in the evening. Has got a bit tipsy a few times at home but not normally. He finishes work at about 9pm will often have a can on the way home from work (walking or bus, not driving!). He doesn't drink in the day, and he's not unpleasant when drunk. I just don't like the smell on him or the thought of him drinking in public. Honest opinions as to whether I am bd being ott in asking him to cut down much appreciated please.
(I have asked and have got fobbed off!)

OP posts:

DonaldStott · 04/12/2016 09:18

I don't think a can or 2 is too bad, but drinking a can of lager on the way home instead of waiting until he just got home is a bit

Maybe it's just a habit now and he doesn't realise, but he hardly constitutes an alcoholic.

Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 09:34

Well, a can or two a day is daily drinking (which isn't recommended) and could add up to 4 units daily (28 units weekly) which is double the guidelines for men. It isn't a shocking amount but it is a lot.

Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 09:34

And I don't like drinking in public either but I don't think that is for you to decide.

tribpot · 04/12/2016 09:36

Drinking on the way home is a bit weird, this means you don't actually know how much he's drinking.

DeleteOrDecay · 04/12/2016 09:37

It doesn't seem like a lot but over the course of a week it is. I agree with a pp that the drinking on the way home from work is a bit why on earth can't he wait until he gets home?

Seems like he could potentially be on a slippery slope so YANBU to be concerned.

HeavenlyEyes · 04/12/2016 09:48

If you are not happy about it then you are not happy. Whether it is too much or not is irrelevant. If you don't like it then that is fine. You don't need others to tell you if you accept it or not.

But I think it is too much, drinking on way home seems furtive and pretty desperate to me.

pringlecat · 04/12/2016 11:23

There are often local bylaws against drinking in public.

I would be uncomfortable too, not just because it shows no class, but because it shows no restraint (and thus hints at a drinking problem). If you want a drink, why can't you wait until you're at home? Or go to the pub with some work colleagues? Oh yes, because people will see how much you're drinking and you'll feel embarrassed it's too much.

My ex was an alcoholic. It started with a drink after work, ended with a full bottle of wine after work without fail. YANBU. This is is how it starts.

Original poster

pooh2 · 04/12/2016 12:09

Thank you for the replies! Yes I hate the idea of someone seeing him on the way home
It really does demonstrate a lack of control! He is in a sort of grey area atm I think, he is not an alcoholic but he does like to drink to relax... Am worried about it becoming the proverbial slippery slope. And I am finding it so hard to talk to him about

OP posts:

pringlecat · 04/12/2016 12:33

pooh2 My ex wouldn't talk to me about it either. I finally persuaded him to go to counselling, which did help. Although, he did then ride off into the sunset with an OW, so I'm not sure how useful my experience is...

If he has the start of a drinking problem, he will be very defensive about it. Ultimately, you can't fix him. You can only signpost him to ways to help himself. The only power you have is to decide whether you want to stick around whilst he deals (not or) with all of this.

I feel for you, I really do.

Can you send your DH a text (i.e. with some distance between you) to tell him you're concerned about him and you would like him to humour you by stopping drinking on the way home for X days just to prove to you that he can, for your peace of mind?

A decent man who isn't crippled by alcoholism will think you're a bit loopy but comply to stop you from worrying. Any other kind of man will flip and tell you you're being ridiculous and continue to drink.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2016 13:03

What is an alcoholic in your mind?. They do not all sit on park benches; many of them hold down jobs and have families too. It sounds like your H has a drink problem. It is a problem because it affects you markedly; you cannot for instance talk to him about it.

Requesting that he cuts down is a wasted effort on your part; do not do this.

Instead seek outside support for your own self; I would be contacting Al-anon as they are very helpful to family members or other people affected by someone else's drinking.

HeavenlyEyes · 04/12/2016 13:43

I don't think decent men think women are a bit loopy - how ridiculous. Op you shouldn't have to text or manage him at all surely? Start looking after yourself first.

Original poster

pooh2 · 04/12/2016 17:19

pringle i think what you've said is really helpful, thank you. he would normally comply with the loopiest demands just because he's nice; so it'll be interesting (and telling) to see how he reacts!

OP posts:

dibly · 18/01/2017 12:41

Sorry to resurrect this, but interested in how you got on. This morning I needed to go into our recycling to retrieve some paperwork and found 5 large bottles of beer, 3 bottles of wine, bottle of grenadine and vodka (last two were half full last week). I had a glass of wine at the weekend.

dH's drinking has cropped up throughout our relationship, and I asked him to cut down after Christmas when it was near enough a bottle of wine a night. He's late 40s, overweight, and his mum died of a heart attack in her 50s so the health issues are clear.

I love him, but we're going through problems at the minute. Despite this he isn't a bastard in any way, so looking for some constructive address in how to tackle this if poss. Thanks

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2017 13:48

dibly

The 3cs re alcoholism are prescient yet again in your case:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Attempting the last two in particular will drive you to despair and will not work. You've already tried asking him to cut down on his intake and of course that did not work either. It just drove the problem even deeper underground; you;ve now found bottles and I would think there are more hidden about.

How many people know of this amongst your family and friends?. Very few to none I would think. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy and I would encourage you to open up to others about this. At the very least you need to speak to Al-anon.

You can only help your own self ultimately and talking to Al-anon could help you no end. It is for people who are affected by someone else's drinking. You cannot help him; he has to want to help his own self here and you cannot make him do that. Also as his partner you are totally under qualified to help him in any case; he does not want your help.

You may also be confusing love with your own issues of co-dependency; there are often elements of co-dependency present within relationships where alcohol is a constant presence or feature.

He may well be a nice man but his primary relationship is really with drink, its not you and his next thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from. The problems in your relationship relate primarily to his excessive drinking. You have to face the very real possibility that he could go onto lose everything and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

Adora10 · 18/01/2017 13:55

One can or two each day and he's an alcoholic, a bit OTT I'd say.

Although drinking in the street's a bit scummy no.

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2017 14:01

I don't think one or two cans a day constitutes him as an alcoholic, I think what would constitute him as an alcoholic is if he had to have those two cans and couldn't go without them. Even then it's still not a lot.

As for drinking on the bus or walking, I'm with uou there. There is something quite socially unacceptable for most people in that. Just feels like uou can't wait. A bit hobo like.

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