Stuck in an awful situation, any advice?

[Willwillow16]

Hi, I have two teenage children (16 and 18) and have been in a relationship with someone who until recently I thought was wonderful. We've all been living together for a couple of years and he's always had a problem with my son's behaviour - smoking etc. This year it's begun to get to my son, who's unemployed and stressed because he hasn't been able to find a job. He had a few rants at my partner, and after one my partner called the police because he said he was being threatened. I didn't think this was fair and we argued about it. My son went and stayed with a friend for a couple of months and came back last week - partner and I had been going to counselling and it had been agreed he should come back part time. Late that night my partner shouted really loudly to my son and daughter to be quiet, and my son came out of his bedroom with a bread knife thinking partner was threatening me. Partner called the police again and son was taken away by police. We hear next week if son will be charged with affray. I've moved into a spare bedroom and hardly spoken to partner since, and feel completely stuck - I love my son and am standing by him because he didn't threaten partner with a knife, was just thinking he was protecting me - but until this year I was also really happy with partner and am desperately sad that our relationship is now likely to end. Any thoughts and advice much appreciated.

Either your partner has previous for violent/threatening behaviour (in which case its good that you are splitting) or your DS has some kind of paranoia/mental health problems and needs some help with that. Its not normal to feel a bread knife is needed to protect someone.

Sad though it is, you have to prioritize your children and finish with your partner. I would find it impossible to love someone who treated my dcs like this. Was it really necessary to call the police if it's as innocent as you report? You make your partner sound very angry, is this a problem he has generally or do you think your son is partially responsible?

Your son overreacted, but surely your partner can't expect you to stay with him after he called the police even after it was explained to him that your son wasn't going to attack him. I think he is likely to keep on doing this if your son gets annoyed with him - I think you should ask him to leave. I am surprised he hasn't already if he feels so threatened.

I meant ask your partner to leave, not your son.

You're leaving something out here. It is not remotely normal or acceptable for your son to arm himself with a knife like that, yet you seem to dismiss it because he thought you needed protecting. Either your partner is not the nice guy you are implying and your relationship has not been wonderful or your son is a seriously disturbed and dangerous young man. Either way, I think you need to take off the rose tinted spectacles.

Why on earth did your DS have a knife in his room? There's got to be more to this hasn't there? Does your son feel he has to be able to defend himself against your partner?

Why did your son have a breadknife in his room? He sounds a bit of a loser, why isn't he in college or anything? Do you think your partner may have a point about him?

Unless DS has shown violent tendencies before, something must have triggered having a bread knife to hand when he thought you needed help.

Two teens, one of whom is an unemployed 16yo at a low ebb who tried moving out to give you space and an antagonistic adult male (no relation) who dials 999 when DS bites back, not surprised your home is a pressure cooker.

Son had bread knife in bedroom as he and his sister had cooked themselves some food and gone to eat it in his bedroom and watch tv, they'd taken the knife to cut up garlic bread. He did over-react though - shouldn't have come out of room holding it.

You have to stand up for your son. Your partner sounds like a shit.

Has your partner ever hit you or been violent towards you?

There must be more to this.
Your son came out with a knife? That must have been terrifying. You have younger children? Did they witness this.

Your son comes first. Your partner is going to drive you apart from your child. Don't let him have that power.

Your partner will have to move out at the very least. You need to stand by your children. Help your ds get back on his feet, calm the home atmosphere down then take it from there.

Please get rid of your partner.

He has bullied your son for years, to the point he was forced to leave his own home.
He then jumped on the opportunity of seeing your son with a knife, something he only did to protect you, to get your child a criminal charge and record.

And now you are in the spare room? In your own house?

It isn't right for you or your kids, please make him leave.

I'd have to put my children first. Your partner is the issue

Ah okay so legitimate reason for knife in room and not a case of your son pre-arming himself. Sounds like your partner is a nasty piece of work, yet you seem to think he's "wonderful". Why would such a wonderful man call the police on his partner's child twice for the most spurious of reasons? You also haven't elaborated on why your son might have thought your partner was attacking you either. History of him being aggressive towards you perhaps?

Please, please put your son first. Your partner is criminalising your son by calling the police so often and my job in working with young offenders identifies your partner as being the main reason behind your son's behaviour. Your dp is putting you in the middle, something a loving partner would not do. Both you and your son deserve so much better.

Sorry but this sounds as though the partner may be using one of the classic EA tactics of driving the other partner away from his/her friends and family. DP is taking issue with DS so that eventually he will have you all to himself. And then he will start on you.

No, not a history of this partner attacking me, but his real father did when son was really little, so he over reacted. This partner has never been violent or aggressive to any of us. My son's lovely but he as aspergers and ADHD and has always been difficult to live with, but partner isn't as patient with him as the rest of the family, although he's never actually started an argument with my son, just complained to me about his behaviour. The pair of them just seemed to get on eachothers nerves before, but now my son massively over reacts - poss the autism... But then partner's reaction is a massive over reaction too.

Hey, just want to say thanks for all the comments, I've not had anyone to talk to about this since it happened, so all your opinions are really good.

What's an EA tactic Clarinet1?

I could never stay with someone who reported my DS to the police like your DP did the first time.

If your DS felt he had to protect you, it sounds as though your DP is a nasty piece of work, and that tension is very high in your household. Your DS was wrong to take the knife, but such a reaction suggests that your DP has form for being violent.

Leave this man before something worse happens. Isn't it enough that your DS now has problems with the police because of him? As a pp said, he risks starting on you. If your DP's reactions to your DS are unjustified why aren't you supporting your son? Your loyalties should be with your DC.

I am supporting my son. I was between him and partner for the minute or so when son had the knife, and I took it off him. I've given a statement to the police to say that he didn't threaten partner, just tried to protect me, and that I was between them the whole time.
Thanks!

You must get rid of your partner if you are to have a relationship with your poor son. I can't believe you are still with the man after what he has done to your child.