Relationship Issues

[Sofia45]

Hi, I'd just like to know your advice on this subject, my husband is so disrespectful toward me when we argue, sometimes even when we don't. I've lost count of the amount of times I've been called a effing idiot or 'thick/stupid' this week alone. He's an excellent provider, pays all the bills, I only work part time and he's a fantastic father, but I'm starting to become tired of being called names and being spoken to like I'm scum, he's even called me the C word on many many occasions, now I know what I would say if I were to give advice on this subject, I'd say it's completely unacceptable, I'm just wondering if it's normal? I think I've just always thought that's how people are when they row, we've been together 10 years since I was 16. I feel like sometimes I can't answer back because he's the provider and he chucks it in my face and I don't have an answer back... any advice would help.

I think I did it the wrong way around! Whoops

No no no! That's not ok! Even in the worse arguments! You seriously need to stop this behaviour. If you really want to make it work and not ltb then this behaviour is awful. Also so what he's the main provider?! A relationship is not just about income!

Just think if you had a grown up dd or ds and they confided the same to you what would you say?

Sorry if that seems harsh I just hate these situations. No one has the right to say that about someone, let alone a partner!

You met him when you were 16 and thus had no life experience behind you.

You are in an abusive relationship. Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and can creep up on people unawares. He does this because he likes having that level of power and control over you; that is what abuse is all about.

It is not your fault he is like this, you have not yourself caused him to be abusive towards you. This is who he really is. Abusive people as well can be pretty plausible to those in the outside world but the mask really does slip when he is at home with you.

All his supposed good qualities count for nothing now because he is emotionally abusive towards you.

He is not a fantastic father if he treats you, the mother of his children, like this. They are being emotionally harmed here as well. Its no legacy to leave them, you are currently showing them that this treatment of you is on some level acceptable to you.

Answering him back is not going to help you in the long run, leaving him instead will help you and your children.

Womens Aid are well worth talking to in your particular circumstances and I would urge you to call them asap. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

You're right I suppose it is a type of abuse, he'd never ever lay a finger on me and never has, I feel as thought I've just become accustom to it I don't even flinch and I don't even feel hurt by being called those names I kind of just let it go over my head sometimes I don't even answer, I'd like to add that in our 10 years together I can't recall one instance where I have called him a name or even shouted at him, so it's not as if it's retaliation. Im just getting sick of it, but I know I'm not going to leave, maybe I just need to have a serious talk with him.

I would suggest you read the boiling water and frog analogy; that is your situation here to a tee. As the story goes, researchers found that when they put a frog in a pan of boiling water, the frog just quickly jumped out. On the other hand, when they put a frog in cold water and put the water to boil over time, the frog just boiled to death. The hypothesis is that the change in temperature is so gradual, the frog does not realize it’s boiling to death.

He does not have to hit you to hurt you and besides which abuse is far more than just one type i.e. physical. What he does to you works for him, it keeps you cowed and trapped in this and you trap yourself further by stating that you won't leave.

Talking to him will be of no use to you whatsoever; he knows full well what he is doing here and he does not care that he is hurting you. Abuse is about power and control; he wants absolute over you and in turn his children. Your H thinks he is doing nothing wrong here with regards to you.

If you are not going to leave (and you need to seriously reconsider that position) then you simply consign your own self and your children to a future with the self same behaviour from him. Such men do not change. He feels entitled to act like he does and gets power from it as well. Your children will grow up learning that their dad's abuse of their mum is normal, it is really no legacy to leave them. They won't thank you for staying with someone like this and they could well accuse you of putting him before them.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, did you see similar?. Would you want any of your children to be in a relationship like yours?. Of course not, you would I hope want better for them.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Yet another 'my husband treats me like the shit off his shoe, but he's a wonderful father'. No he isn't.

Are you aware that you are both conditioning your children as to what a normal relationship is. So if you have a daughter, she will think its okay for a man to call her a thick cunt. If you have a son, he will grow up thinking he can call women thick cunts. If you have a combination of son, and daughter, son will think its okay to call his sister a thick cunt, and the sister will accept it as normal, cos hey, thats what mum and dad do.

Is that what you want for your children?