Need some help

[laurie223]

I need to know whether this is normal or if I'm going crazy.

My partner is older than me and when I met him he owned a house and I just came out of uni.

He earns more than me, and we started living together.

Anyway. I pay for our two cars and the shopping etc, and he pays the bills.

I'm now pregnant and we are trying to buy a house.

He will offer to pay for things for me and then throw it back in my face.
He bought me some trousers cos I'm outgrowing them all and said he would give me the money.. and then he never did and now he's moaning there's no food (which there is).. but not as much as he would like and I said well as you were going to buy me some trousers I couldn't get as much. He then says he is bailing me out because he has to give me money but he offered to buy them for me? Confused.

Anyway finances aren't good. At the moment we live in HIS home and apparently he pays for everything which isn't true.

When we get the new house he wants me to get rid of my bank account completely and have a joint one. I said no and now he wants my wages to be paid into a joint bank account and then whatever is left over can be 'drip fed' into my own account. He said all couples do this? Do they?

He also wants me to get rid of my car so his car is the only car we have.

I started crying because I'm so confused. Is this normal?

No this isn't normal ..I'd be concerned about him wanting to get rid of your car. Essentially having you more reliant on him 'allowing' you to use his. Sounds like he wants more leverage over you.

Sent that post too soon...
This sounds like a classic power imbalance relationship to me. He's wanting to have more control over your finances, your means of transport etc
Is he controlling in other ways?

No darling that isn't normal, it's financial abuse - similarly, wanting you to get rid of your car? Making you more reliant on him and reducing your independence.

I take it there's been no suggestion of all of his wages going into this joint account and then being 'drip fed' back to him?

No, it's not even slightly normal.

A joint account is normal yes, but in that both partners have full access to all funds.

Having a car with a young child is a good thing, getting rid of it is a bad idea.

Not normal. I'd get rid of him because he will become more controlling.

No It isn't normal, he sounds like a bully to be honest. Why he did he get with you if he only wants to buy things for himself. He's making you out to be ungrateful and a burden by throwing the things back in your face, sort of a remainder. Why get you pregnant if all he thinks about is himself and what were you thinking, if he's behaving like this?. Joint account is a big No No as he sounds financially controlling and horrible. Keep your own money safe where you can control it. He sounds proper ungrateful, don't know what you were thinking starting a family with him.

No. Couples get their salary paid into their own accounts and pay into the joint account what they can proportionally afford towards the mortgage and bills. So all day to day stuff can come out of it, including food/electric/car insurance.

Often people will then have a separate savings account just for a nest egg/emergency money/holidays. And again, it's proportional coming from personal account.

Then personal account is for your own clothes and hobbies.

And keep the car 😊Don't let him bully you into getting rid of it as you'll need it

Don't get rid of the car, when you have baby you'll need it more than ever.

He's right that it's fairly standard to have a joint account for household bills, but that doesn't mean giving up your own account and I wouldn't recommend it. If he's already displaying controlling tendencies (which he is) you will struggle when you need to ask him for every penny, or justify all spending from your joint account.

I retain my own current account that my wages are paid into and transfer an agreed amount into the household joint account. As I work part-time I earn less and therefore contribute less. This works fine for us both and i still have my own money rather than feel I'm spending his.

It's because his building company is giving him a van so he said I can have his car. But it would still be his car.

He very much mentions that he has put all the desposit down (even though I've been paying him a standing order for our savings every month).. and that because he's got the money from the house that he's put more money in.

I feel that sometimes he waits until he knows I'm running low on money so I ask him and then he has an excuse to go off on one.

I told him I'm not sure if I can do this when the baby is born.. what if baby needs something and I literally have no money for that?

I had this discussion yesterday and he went mental.. I couldn't stop crying and he just told me I need to grow up.

If he puts the deposit down on the new house and it's in his name, then it's HIS house.

If you break up you will be out on your ear.

Your name needs to be on that deed!!!!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

To him, to his bullying, to joint account, to you having 'what's left over', to the house being in his name only, to everything really.... and mostly, again, to him.

He genuinely can't understand why you'd be concerned about not being able to buy things when you need them, not when he decides you should have them? Let alone things for your child? That is not the behaviour of a caring, loving partner, not by a long way.

And Elspeth's right, you've been paying towards the costs of the new house, you need to ensure you're named on the deed.

Please do contact Womens Aid and have a chat with them about this.
The more you write the more worried we are all becoming.
He sounds controlling and abusive, certainly he wants full control over all of your finances.
He basically wants you 'pregnant and barefoot'
Don't fall for it.
Womens Aid can help you see this for what it is 0808 2000 247
I would also suggest you get the book - Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. I would imagine there is other subtle abuse you are missing.

Could you get away from him for a while?
Visit your family?
This is so far from normal and it's not OK.

he just told me I need to grow up
This about sums him up!
Please don't spend the next 10-20-30 years of your life with this abusive bully.

Sweetheart, this isn't normal, the way he is treating you is appalling.
Do not get rid of your car. Do not agree to joint finances.
He seems to be heading for full control.
You need to be on the house deeds.
Just because you are having a baby, doesn't mean you have to stay.

This is no way to live. I can assure you it will get worse when the baby is born!
I would be very very cautious buying a house with this man, any man I wasn't married to in fact but especially one that's showing signs of being financially and possibly emotionally abusive. dismissing genuine concerns and going off one on when you raise them are massive red flags.

As an aside my abusive ex was also older than me by ten years, he used to tell me constantly to grow up and that I was a silly little girl ..he still uses the same lines to this day I'm 36! It's controlling ..it's purpose is to make you feel small and inferior!

He's now saying it's my decision so I need to cancel the house going through and because of me we will lose over a grand.

I'm exhausted of always being the one in the wrong.

Well you aren't wrong.
Only in his eyes.
And he's a cock who now needs to be ignored.
Call off the house sale for sure.
See what Womens Aid can do to help you and then take it from there.

Sorry lovely but how do you lose the house just because you aren't complying to his demands? I don't understand. He is a bully and trying to control you but you know that already don't you xxx (big hug)

Oh Dear!
So you have been paying him money into his bank account so that he can pay the deposit for the house, which he will then claim is all his money?

Sweetheart you need to open your eyes to what is going on here?

Honestly, you need to get away from this situation as soon as you can, this will get worse and worse.

He will probably apologise and tell you it will all be different if he realises you are genuinely on to him, but he won't change for long. Do you have any family support/somewhere safe you can go?

Lose the grand.

One grand is tiny in comparison to what you will lose when everything is in his name.

You are slowly walking into everything you own gone and it all belonging to him. Car, savings etc.

You split up it is all in his name and you have nothing.

He is ripping you off financially in a major way.

So he is right, you do need to grow up and you need to start to take control of your own life and your own money, and to stop believing the rubbish he is telling you while he is doing everything for his own advantage.

For a start, work out how much you have paid into his savings account and tell him you want it all back plus the interest. Put it into an account in your own name.

You mention that you went to university, so start using that brain, find out what you would be entitled to should you split up, from a house in his name, if you were not on the deeds, the answer will shock you!

Ask him how the costs for the baby are going to be met, and how your maternity leave will be financed. Put the house purchase on hold until he gives you some answers.

Okay so I've come straight to a friends after work who has also said I can stay here tonight.

OH hasn't phoned or texted; my friends partner said he was on the PlayStation earlier because he saw him signed it.

I've said fuck it I'm not going home I'd rather sleep on their sofa. But now I'm just sitting here thinking 'fuck, what do I do now?'

It's clear he doesn't give a shit. It's just almost as if it's sinking in and it feels so horrible.

It is sinking in for you.
You are in the thick of it so you can't see what's happening.
He doesn't give a shit.
He wants it all his way.
He wants all the power and control.
I hope you stayed with your friend.
And I hope you got some sleep.
Over the next couple of days the scales will keep falling from your eyes and realisation will hit.
But you'll get through it.