To be worried about daughter coming home for overnight stay from psychiatric ward

[EmeraldIsle100]

She is 18 and has been in hospital for 2 months with depression, anxiety suicidal thoughts, self harm and an eating disorder. My DD is very concerned that she might feel suicidal and do something. I am worried that she might do something while I am asleep. I am scared of going to sleep.

I told the doctor about my concerns and have just been told that I have to give it a try. She has been on Fluoxetine for 8 weeks and doesn't see any improvement. Thanks for reading

I would be grateful to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Emerald, how worrying for you.
There is a mental health board on MN where you might find someone with direct experience there?
What id your relationship like with your daughter? Does she talk to you / confide in you?
Young Minds is a fantastic organisation
www.youngminds.org.uk/
They do have a section on their website specifically for parents and a helpline for parents.

How worried and panicked you must feel.

I have struggled with all of those earlier in life and although I wasn't hospitalised, I could probably guess at what she's feeling.

She doesn't want to do something to hurt herself, it's her thoughts telling her that she needs to or deserves to.
Is it a possibility to sleep in the same bed?

Oh gosh OP, so so difficult for you and your dd. I second what Steven says, I think I would want to sleep in the same room at the very least. Best of luck.

And perhaps make sure that you have removed all pills etc to a 'secure' place.
I think communication is the key - listening to her, letting her talk and also reassurance. Maybe reassuring her that she can take small steps in rebuilding her confidence and that you'll be there alongside her if she needs support?
I think parenting when they're vulnerable and older is so hard - we just want to swoop them up and make it OK and of course we can't.

Louis and steven thank you both so much for posting. I really appreciate it.

We have had a difficult relationship for the past 3/4 years as her illness presented as really challenging behaviour. Once is became apparent that she was sick our relationship improved almost immediately. She does confide in me but its hard to get her to talk about self harming and not eating.

I didn't know about youngminds and the mental health board and will take a look.

I hope you got through it ok steven, you definitely know how she feels. That's a good way to look at it, she doesn't want to hurt herself, its her thoughts. Funny how putting like that makes such a difference.

We will be sleeping in the same bed. I don't think I will be getting much sleep though. She will be getting sleeping tablets but seems to wake up at about half 5 every morning. Then she will probably start smoking either out the bathroom window or in the garden so its going to be a long night. Reminds me of the long nights when she was teething.

Thanks again, your posts have made me feel less alone. Tomorrow is the first time she will be overnight since she got admitted and maybe it wont be so bad. Big thanks!

I can really sympathise having had experience of my dd being in an adolescent unit for seven months out of the last twelve. I'd say that you don't have to have her, whatever the doctor says. You really don't. All home leave, local leave etc should be thoroughly risk assessed by your dd's consultant/care team, taking your and other family members' views into account too, and if your dd and you are both worried that there's a big risk involved with this then it shouldn't be happening. If you're feeling pressured, don't be afraid to complain. If your dd isn't feeling well enough then being pushed into it before she's ready is not a good plan.

Just saw all the posts, brilliant advice, thanks again. I feel a lot stronger now. I will let you know how it goes!

Agree with NotTodayDear. If she's showing no improvement, after 8 weeks, on what basis are they deeming her fit for a night at home? it sounds like unnecessary stress for both of you, at this point.

Not I wrote a letter spelling out my fears and was amazed when they said we were to give it a try. I felt a bit devastated when they insisted I try. It isn't that I don't want her home I just don't think I can guarantee her safety if she tries to do something drastic.

I am going to get rid of the obvious things but when I look around I see nothing but danger in every room.

Pick that is precisely why I was so surprised. They told DD they won't change the medication and I checked with the nurses and they said the same. I don't want to interrogate them because I have to trust them and don't want to upset the really good relationship we have with the staff.

I will visit DD at lunchtime tomorrow and gauge how she is and then make a decision. They do say that family is a key part of the treatment so I guess I am an equal partner.

Not I really hope that your DD is on the road to recovering.

Has she had any home leave at all? It would be advisable IMO to have her at home during the day a few times at first to gauge how you all cope, for increasing amounts of time.

If you do have her overnight and she doesn't seem settled once at home, seems agitated or troubled, acting in a suspicious manner then give the ward a call and take her back. And her Dr and nurses on the ward should be telling your dd that they have advised you to take her back if you have any concerns. That way, it will be clear to your dd that the instruction is coming form her team, not you.

Emerald,
On one hand her team will want her returning to her life as soon as possible as that is an important part of her 'healing'. However, the right support needs to be there and families need to be enabled and supported in order to make this a success - otherwise it all collapses.
As others have said, insist on a planned 'reintegration' with clear support.
Maybe have a think about your worries and create a list of 'what if?? ' questions that you would like advice on for tomorrow. Ask to sit down with one of her team to go through your questions. If they want this to succeed then no one will object. As you say, you are part of her support team so you need to be skilled up as far as is possible.

Do she has been out for a few hours and on Sat and Sun for the last few weeks. Sometimes it goes well but sometimes she gets very agitated and asks to go back. She isn't putting it on it is really obvious when she isn't coping.

She took 20 paracetemol 3 weeks ago and ended up in the medical ward on a drip to counteract the effects. Luckily enough the drip did the job.

Excellent point about going back in. I am not going to look at it as being an overnight stay and will just see how it goes.

I am very relieved to hear other people say that we shouldn't be pressurised. I have wrestled with this all day and felt upset that they insisted. I was in tears over it when I got home but thought that I couldn't object. My DD wasn't happy either and told me no one was listening to her.

Thanks again x

I just rang the hospital and they reassured me that she can go back in anytime if things go badly. They said exactly the same as you guys about reintegration being an important part of her healing.

I think I was upset because I felt extremely frightened about being in charge of her safety and I thought if something terrible happened it would be my fault.

I feel a lot better now, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for being so kind and taking the time to reply.

Great news my DD saw different doctor today who said overnight not a good idea. She said it was too much preesure for me and too soon for DD.. She also said they are giving medication one more week to work and if not they will try another type.

We are both so relieved. Thanks again for all your support last night.

I've no advice but just to say that you sound like such a lovely person and mother. I'm sure she'll get there with your continued support. And hooray for the supportive doctor, it must make such a difference.

That's good news, sounds like it is just too soon for you.

Please don't ever think it is your fault if you dd does harm herself in some way while at home, it never would be and it's a huge burden of reposnsibility to carry and it's impossible to maintain an entirely safe environment.

I wish you and your dd all the best

Has your daughter got an advocate. They can help to speak up for her if she doesn't feel like she is being listened too. It is better to go slowly and get it right rather than too quickly as you just get a revolving door of treatment.

Emerald,
That's such a relief. Watching our children suffer is so hard. I am sure that you have had good advice but if you haven't had a chance, do explore that Young Minds website. I have learnt over many years that there are helpful responses (both as a parent and as a supportive adult) that we can learn to use when young people are in distress and there are some things best avoided.
I hope that you are able to get some support for yourself and get a bit of looking after? It's essential that carers are cared for (if you know what I mean?).

the signal where I am is rubbish tonight. Thanks a million for posting and for your kind supportive advice. We will definitely look at young minds website. You are all loving caring people and I am indebted to you.

Thanks again l feel like l have a small army behind me. I am lucky to stil have signal and want to press post quickly. Wherever and whoever you are please know you dug me out of a hole today x