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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to try and catch Husband out?

27 replies

LadyNorth · 06/11/2016 19:11

My Husband slept with another women three times. He has attended counselling, apologised and made big changes to his life to show me it would never happen again. He is a good man, I don't think it'll happen again.
Lately though I've been thinking of texting him from another phone pretending to be the other woman. AIBU?

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 06/11/2016 19:14

He's such a good man he cheated on you and endangered your sexual health three times.

If you truly believe that he's not going to do it again, why would you need to?

I think you know what the answer really is.

Costacoffeeplease · 06/11/2016 19:21

Why?

You either trust him or you don't, and if you don't, there's no relationship

MissAsippi · 06/11/2016 19:29

I think if he caught you doing this is would cause a shit show

SherlockStones · 06/11/2016 19:31

The fact you're considering this tells me this relationship is in its death throes and you are either consciously or subconsciously attempting to kill it off one and for all.

WorriedWife2016 · 06/11/2016 19:37

The thought says it all really

sooperdooper · 06/11/2016 19:41

You don't trust him, I don't blame you! It's a silly idea but it says everything about the state of your relationship - why are you staying with him?

Lilacpink40 · 06/11/2016 19:43

What Sherlock said above.

justdontevenfuckingstart · 06/11/2016 19:45

If you do it and he responds and you call it he will just say he knew it was you anyway so don't bother. Sorry. You either move on or move him out.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 06/11/2016 19:46

Has something happened to make you consider doing that now?

Penfold007 · 06/11/2016 19:47

If the trust in your marriage has gone do the decent thing and end it. Don't try and trap him, walk away with your self respect intact

LouisvilleLlama · 06/11/2016 19:47

It's true I agree with Sherlock also, but also I think k you'd probably get caught out people generally communicate differently and things can feel " off"...

NC1nightstand · 06/11/2016 19:53

So you've told us what he did but what have you done to forgive him and move on? Have you been able to talk about it as much as you needed to? Have you released all your anger and taken steps to actively forgive what he did? How long ago did this take place? Did you truly want to continue with the relationship after he betrayed you this way. Please, don't get me wrong, I could not stay with my partner if he cheated on me but and it seems like a lifetime ago now, an ex of mine hurt me physically and against better judgement I first found a way to justify it and then went on to forgive him. Only I didn't really. I thought about it a lot, and secretly began to despise him and I didn't treat myself too kindly either. I ashamed to say that I almost wished he would attempt to hit me again so I could leave and be the the injured party. But he never did and I had to gather all my courage and end the relationship and start again with nothing. But it was one of the very best things I have ever done for myself.
What would you do if he responded to the text?
At what point would you confront him?
Do you want to end the relationship?

ThePinkOcelot · 06/11/2016 20:03

Why are you thinking about doing that? Personally, I think the relationship is dead in the water as you either trust him or you don't.

whimsical1975 · 06/11/2016 20:08

Ummmmm... He's cheated on her 3 times, of course the trust has gone!!!! OP is attempting to rebuild that (each to their own I suppose) and I'm assuming by testing him she's going to either strengthen that rebuilding of trust or lose all hope that it can ever be regained.

I don't think it's ridiculous to want to find out but I do think it's very sad that he's put you in this horrible situation. I get that you want "proof" of his remorse and not just his word (which clearly means nothing right now)... actions speak louder, and all that jazz...

offside · 06/11/2016 20:15

I agree with whimsical, I think it's part of a healing process and more tangible proof that he's changed rather than just his words. I don't think it shows that you distrust him per se, OP, but rather you're more aware of what your DH has been capable of. I say do it if it is going to make you feel better, but please don't keep doing it.

goddessofsmallthings · 06/11/2016 20:22

Lately though I've been thinking of texting him from another phone pretending to be the other woman

Why have your thoughts gone in this direction and how long ago did he sleep with the other woman?

Original poster

LadyNorth · 06/11/2016 20:38

It was 6 months ago. Nothing at all has happened to make me think he's cheating again. I just want to confirm my judgement, but I can really see how damaging this line of thought is.

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/11/2016 20:39

If you don't trust him, you don't have a relationship.

thegoodnameshadgone · 06/11/2016 20:40

I'd do it. It's obviously playing on your mind. Do it, then you'll have your answer. Hope you get the one you need xx

cloudyday99 · 06/11/2016 20:42

I can see the train for doing it. Hopefully he won't respond, or will tell her to go away, and that'll reassure you.

ddrmum · 06/11/2016 20:45

6mths isn't that long. It takes time to rebuild trust after what you've gone through. Betrayal sent easily fixed. If you want to save relationship I'd give yourself more time and maybe be a little kinder to yourself than torture yourself with 'testing him out '. I think you'll know if he strays again. Make the best decision for you & your happiness.

AyeAmarok · 06/11/2016 20:47

You don't trust him. Nor should you; he's not someone to be trusted.

But rather than torture yourself by going down this road, just save yourself the heartache and walk away.

AgricClucky31 · 06/11/2016 21:05

I think if you do this it will drag up all sorts of feelings for the pair of you. He will feel scared and wrong even if he doesn't respond to the msg, and he will probably keep it a secret from you to prevent it upsetting you and setting off bad feeling. You put him in a position of feeling terrible again after he's gone to counseling to fix things. He probably feels like dirt for hurting you, especially since he's gone to the effort you described. Whatever happened in his head to make him cheat is obviously being dealt with and he wants to make it work. It's a long process for the pair of you and it wouldn't be right to trip him up whilst your relationship is recovering. It may also make him feel like his efforts are in vain. If you both truely want to work through it then you need time to recover. Games like this prolong the pain & drag it up again. He will always be on the losing side of that argument as he can't justify his behaviour. You need to believe him and focus on that. You need to rebuild your trust in him as much as he needs to earn it. He may feel like he can never earn it no matter what he does. By giving in to insecurity you feed the need to check. Take him at face value. It's hard I know. If he has been honest with you about the cheating then I'm sure he's being honest with you now. And if you can't trust him, then it's time to call it a day. Focus on the things you've achieved together since then as proof of him being genuine. Doubt is an insidious thing. Don't feed it, it'll ruin you both.

(By the way, I'm not condoning cheating, but the situation is what it is. He does have a view point even if he has been a scoundrel.)

thegoodnameshadgone · 06/11/2016 21:09

I disagree a bit op needs to feel like his counselling has repaired him. But I totally get it. Text him now to reassure but hoe long in the future before it text time again?? If its prolonging it, get out now. He sounds like a total shit xx

Original poster

LadyNorth · 06/11/2016 21:35

Thanks this has really helped.x

OP posts:

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