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Original poster

DP spending time at exes house

49 replies

AppleJacker · 02/11/2016 23:06

DP and I have been together 2 years. He and his ex partner have a young daughter.

They have been separated for 3 years but I believe she is still in love with him.

His DD comes to our house every weekend.

DP spends around 45 minutes in the house picking her up, then the same again dropping her off.

I feel this is quite a long time to spend at an exes house twice a week.

Am I alone in thinking this?

OP posts:
Bubblegum18 · 02/11/2016 23:07

Yeah somethings not right there op

Original poster
AppleJacker · 02/11/2016 23:08

He claims they don't really get on and are simply civil to each other, this makes it all the more Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
AppleJacker · 02/11/2016 23:11

I know she's been very depressed lately as has he. I'm concerned they are supporting each other and he's confiding things which makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 23:12

I go into my exes house and he comes into mine. Usually involves kids showing things to the other parent, being slow at getting stuff ready or chatting about school stuff.
There is a -100% chance that either of us have feelings for each other,he has a lovely GF and if she is there I will stay to chat and if she isn't I usually end up chatting for a bit anyway.

There doesn't have to be anything sinister in this. What happened to trust? Even if she wants him, this is a really crappy reason not to trust him. If anyone made a fuss about me doing this I would send them on their bike. He's their dad not my mortal enemy

Original poster
AppleJacker · 02/11/2016 23:14

Their DD hasn't started school yet though, and has a small overnight bag.

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 23:16

I still stand by it.
I've worked really hard to be amicable and someone being jealous wouldn't stop me

Original poster
AppleJacker · 02/11/2016 23:18

That's fair enough and great you get on.

In our situation she refuses to come to our house as I'm here and has been abusive about me to DP. She doesn't like that he moved on and she never has.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 02/11/2016 23:19

I don't actually think it's that odd if they get on and have to discuss their DC. Much better that than animosity.

Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 23:21

We don't get on. We never speak apart from the kids. We don't like each other much. But we have 2 amazing kids and they mean the world to us. We have a long history and have to have each other in our Iives forever.

If you don't trust him then you have a problem.

She's jealous of you and you are jealous of her. It's not very healthy.

MyWineTime · 02/11/2016 23:25

What is it that you think they could be doing in that 45 minutes?

Unless you have some basic trust, your relationship will never work.

Atenco · 03/11/2016 01:35

Well, they are two people who probably love their dd more than anyone else, so they have a lot to say to each other. These handovers don't have to be unfriendly and it is better that they aren't, for the sake of the child.

Original poster
AppleJacker · 03/11/2016 06:18

I don't think they're doing anything, ahem, sexual. I just think it's a long time to be chatting and I'm concerned they are being emotionally intimate, iyswim.

OP posts:
Lunar1 · 03/11/2016 06:29

That's lovely that they can put their differences aside for their child, don't be the person who ruins it.

Pluto30 · 03/11/2016 06:37

They can still be "emotionally intimate" and be exes...

They have a daughter. That's always going to precede your relationship with him. You can't expect him never to have a proper conversation again with her.

TheNaze73 · 03/11/2016 06:45

You need to accept that the DC is always going to rank above you & if you can't handle it, get out of the relationship. What do you think they are doing in this 45 minute envelope?
You're overthinking this, have found an issue, that isn't even there & will drive a him away for no reason whatsoever

AmberEars · 03/11/2016 06:50

I think 45 mins twice a week is OK if that is the full extent of their contact (i.e. not lots of phone calls on top of that).

MiMiMaguire · 03/11/2016 07:15

So their daughter must be between 3 or 4yo ? Its hard to get a word in edgeways & not much "intimate" you can say around them, it's not a bad thing for their daughter to spend 90mins a week with both parents simultaneously, she's probably drawing, showing toys, chatting to them both

ElizaDontlittle · 03/11/2016 07:21

I think the only issue is the intent
If he's there to build their DD's security and continuity, to reassure her that both parents love her, for both parents to support each other as parents, then great.

If it's because he wants to spend time with her as a woman, or because one of them feels unable to confide in anyone else... maybe it needs addressing. You have to find a way to trust him, regardless or it will eat you up.

BubbleGumBubble · 03/11/2016 07:37

I can spend anywhere from 5 minutes to 45 minutes at exdh's when collecting the DC.

Sometimes there is little to hand over sometimes lots. Sometimes there is other family stuff like DH's sister wants them for the weekend or there is a party/new shoes needed all sorts really.
Sometimes DC is fannying about Grin its amazing how often a child can lose a bloody shoe/doll/coat/needs to watch the last 10 minutes of some daft show.

AstrantiaMallow · 03/11/2016 07:48

What would you want him to do? What level of contact would make you happier?

Diamogs · 03/11/2016 07:54

From the other side.

Mine are teens and we mostly meet halfway at a pub to do a handover but even then will stop and have a chat / exchange pleasantries etc - sometimes we will even have lunch all four of us - it's just us being amicable for the kids sake.

If XH comes here he sometimes does little DIY jobs for me, similarly when he has car issues at work I sorted them out for him.

It's not cos we like one another / are emotionally intimate it's because it's in the best interests of our children.

It sounds like your DP and his ex have a similar attitude.

SomeonesRealName · 03/11/2016 08:18

I often go in to my ex's house and stay for a cuppa when picking up DC. Last time we talked about what we were buying for Christmas for DC, what sort of things are age appropriate, childcare arrangements - and then XH told me some news about some friends who have had a baby. We both chatted to DC and looked at artwork, toys etc.

SomeonesRealName · 03/11/2016 08:29

Having said that OP it wouldn't surprise me much if XH was manipulating the situation to make his DP feel uncomfortable and insecure. Triangulation was one of his favoured EA techniques when we were together. Consider whether this is part of a bigger picture before you write it off as irrational jealousy.

AntiqueSinger · 03/11/2016 08:33

Follow your instincts. Don't dismiss them. I mean are you really prepared to put up with this for years?

Has his ex moved on? Why is she confiding intimate emotional stuff with him to such an extent? Is there no one else she can confide in?

It could just be innocent, two people co-parenting, but sometimes the child becomes a link preventing people from fully moving on emotionally speaking, and maybe his ex is in this position. Of course his child will come first, but if you feel it's become/ing his child and her mother first, then perhaps you should cut your losses and find someone without the same baggage.Flowers

hermione2016 · 03/11/2016 09:00

When he comes back does he share what they have talked about? I suspect your concerns are because you sense they get on well yet he is not sharing with you. I think it would be usual for him to say, X and I were talking about dc and I helped set-up some toys etc..just conversationally.

How is your relationship together? I also think it could be your instincts, I assume you have spoken to him to ask what happens at drop offs?