Today I'm ending it...what do I say?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I've posted before about my five year relationship with my OH. We don't live together. He started out touchy-feely, kind, lovely, pretty much everything i wanted in a partner. But slowly his total lack of ability to empathise (not just with me, but anyone) has come to the fore. He's still kind, but unable to understand that his behaviour isn't normal. Example, I went to kiss him and he backed away with a horrified look on his face. When we go out anywhere he walks ten yards ahead. Doesn't consider me when buying himself food/drink. I asked for a back rub (had a bad back) and he stuck out his leg for me to rub my back against. Things like that.

Now, given his lack of ability to empathise, how do I put the 'this is over' talk we're having tonight? Can he understand how I've been made to feel over the course of our relationship, or should I keep it simple for him (he's going to want to know 'why'...)

Trying to explain empathy to someone without it seems like a pretty impossible task. Are there any more tangible 'reasons' you can give him for the relationship needing to end such as one of you wants to live together/get married/have kids that the other doesn't?

At the end of the day you don't have to give him any reason at all other than 'I don't want this' but if it makes the split easier on you both, laying the blame on something you can't compromise on is probably easiest (particularly if you know he has strong views on something that you can present as a dealbreaker).

We've never talked about those things. Never. In five years. There's been little communication, full stop (he doesn't really do 'talking')

It's entirely because of his behaviours. One thing at a time wasn't too bad, but cumulatively it's all broken any affection I had for him. I can't deliver it like that, but I need to say something!

It's going to go in one ear and out of the other anyway, isn't it? Could you just say you're going to end it because you want someone who's more affectionate?

I wouldn't say anything except goodbye! doesnt really sound like it's worth your time or energy trying to make him see or understand something he clearly doesn't have the capacity to. You've wasted 5 years on this, just leave. Would he care?

Just tell him you're ending things as you're incompatible. Don't make a big song & dance about it.
Serious question. Is this talk, to end it properly or to jolt him into being someone he isn't?

I think you just need to be truthful.
You don't like his lack of empathy or lack of communication or emotion and you've now fallen out of love with him and don't want to continue with the relationship.
Bye bye!
Job done.
Don't be drawn into the details.
Once it's said if he keeps pushing for an explanation just tell him it's over and walk away.

No, this is the 'it's over' talk. He's never going to change, he's too entrenched. And I think you're right Imp, he's only going to hear the bits he wants to hear...I might just as well tell him that I'm having a breakdown and now fancy women, because that's probably what he's going to tell everyone... (neither of these are true, by the way).

And yes, he'll care! He's already got wind of it and he's all 'I don't want to lose you.' Sadly, he has little relationship experience and basically turned into his dad about a year in. He's early fifties but was making a virtue of falling asleep in his chair and complaining about prices of things.... it's sad, I'll miss some things about him. But not most.

He's early fifties but was making a virtue of falling asleep in his chair and complaining about prices of things.... it's sad

I've been doing this since I was 20.

Just end it op. No reasons needed beyond you're not being happy.

LOL Pinkie

I just feel I want proper closure after five years. And I owe him some kind of reason. I just don't want to word it as "you're a shit boyfriend". Something tactful that basically means "you're a shit boyfriend".

Basically you want to cotton on afterwards that that's what you meant, while thinking at the time you're talking to him that you still think he's great but not for you?!

'As a boyfriend, I'm afraid, you are shite'
That should do it!?

Just tell him its not working for you anymore and you think that there is a more fulfilling relationship out there .

If you really think he'd say those things about you, why do you feel you owe him / need to sugar coat things?

Op, so what you are saying is, you owe him an emphatic ending, as he's unempathetic?
Just be direct, it's the language he'll understand

Imp and TheNaze I think you both have it spot on!

And I want to sugar-coat it because I've been dumped before, I know how brutal that was and how it made me question myself for ages afterwards, I want to at least be kind. Ish. Obviously. Because he was a shit boyfriend...

I would just say " I'm not happy with us anymore and it doesn't matter what you say or promise to do, it won't change the way I feel and so whilst it is sad and I'm sure will be upsetting I would like to end our relationship." Or something like that.

"BF, I'm just not getting the things I need from our relationship, I haven't been for quite some time. It's not me, it's not you, we just have different needs and expectations and that's OK. We both have a right to have the things we each want and shouldn't expect the other to provide them if it's not right for them. So, I've decided to end our relationship. There really isn't anything you can do to change my mind, so let's just agree to go our separate ways."

"This isn't working for me", & repeat

Its not you its me. Thats nice and kind

All those words from other posters are great.

Breaking up is shit. Personally, I don't think "reasons" are helpful. In the absence of abuse or infidelity all the reasons end up being is a character assassination. I think the kindest thing is to be as brief and final as possible. "This isn't working for me. It is over."

Only discuss reasons if it is actually a negotiation of what he would have to change to keep you.

How'd it go Op?

Weirdly, we talked for four hours, I brought up all the stuff that was driving me crazy and...we're having another go.

After five years I want to feel that I've done everything I can before I chuck things up, and he did seem to take on board that he's turned into his father. Even said his mum had complained of the same behaviours...(he has a total fear of becoming his father, they don't get on). So far... everything is going well, and I'm having a great time, but if be backslides...he's outta here!