My mum has accused my sister of hitting her...

[Winniethepooer]

I apologise if this is long but I need to try to explain the situation. I desperately need advice.

My mum is 69.
She is a chronic alcoholic. Addicted to painkillers & a very heavy smoker. She is in very poor health. Multiple strokes. Angina. Graves Disease. Visually impaired. She's physically frail. Walking very poor. Amazing that she's alive at all as she never takes her medication propley & eats really badly.

My mum is a very dominant & controlling women. She's a compulsive liar. Manipulates people. she's always the victim. Personally I think she has something like BPD /sociopath. But, I've never voiced my concerns.

I have 3 siblings.

We had a family occasion at the weekend.
My mum was so drunk she could barely walk. She was grabbing people. Eyes literally rolling in her head. Slurring her words... It was very embarrassing.

My mum called me yesterday. She says my sister hit her after the party.

My sister obviously denies it.
My sister is her main carer.
I used to be but my mum moved too far away for me to travel on a daily basis.

My sister tolerates & includes my mum in all family occasions. I find it in comprehendable to think my sister hurt her. The rest of us have much less contact with Mum as its so difficult...

I wanted to call the police yesterday, my mum begged me not to. I wanted to go & see her, she refused. She claimed she had bruising but said she couldn't work her camera.

Ultimately i either have a mother who is a hideous liar or my sister is physically abusive to our mother.

What do i do?

TIA.

Detach and help your sister to detach too.

Well if your DM is accusing your DSis of violent abuse, why is your DSis still there as a carer?
Surely your DM wants her out of the house?
I would assume from what you have said, that your DM is lying.
I can't imagine why? Attention?
If I was your DSis, I would be backing away from DM for making accusations like that about me.
She doesn't want to put herself in the firing line.
Your DM could accuse her of anything and your DSis would be vulnerable as it's her word against your DM.
You DSis needs to stop what she's doing.
Back away and get outside help for your DM.

She might have hit her, and I'm not going to condone that, but it must be beyond physically and mentally exhausting caring for your mum, and sometimes people do snap. Again, I'm not condoning it.

On the other side, uour mum could simply have fallen over or bashed her self and have been so hammered she has no clue what happened and believed this to be the truth when it's not.

I would refrain from judging and calling the police on uour sister would not have been ok, not even slightly.

It sounds like an awful situation for you all. I'd be inclined to believe your sister. Being your mum's main carer must be incredibly difficult.

I agree with PPs. In either of those horrible, awful sets of circumstances, your mother and sister can't continue as they are. The caring from your sister needs to stop, and she needs to be assessed by Social Services as a vulnerable adult.

The caring from your sister needs to stop, and she needs to be assessed by Social Services as a vulnerable adult.

Yes. Whether the story is true or not, your sister cannot now continue being her career.

*carer

I'm sorry, but your post doesn't make any sense to me.

She's a compulsive liar. Manipulates people. she's always the victim.. You say your mum is a compulsive liar, so why did you assume she's telling the truth about your sister hitting her and want to call the police? I particularly don't understand given that you've got no evidence that what your mum is saying is true only the words of someone you say yourself is a compulsive liar. Your entire post seems rather inconsistent.....

My sister said at the weekend she needed to step back. Even before the family event. She hasn't had any contact since my mum made the allegation.

They dont live together.
My mum bought a flat near my sister last year.

But theres noone else to step in...

Sorry Earl inconsistent?

My brain is exhausted but i thought it was consistent possibly I'm not as coherent as usual.

What an awful situation. It sounds like your DM is being manipulative and untruthful. I am guessing that there may be an element of something happening - possibly your mum falling about and your sister having to be firm with her and maybe has unintentionally hurt her. I wouldn’t involve the police at this point. That is up to your DM and she has stated she doesn’t want this to happen.However it sounds like she needs someone to help in caring for her. I think you need to call SS and ask for someone to carry out an assessment, however the is unlikely to happen quickly. Can your sister take someone with her while she continues in her caring duties so she has a witness to what is going on?

The state will have to step in.

Let your sister step back.

I could have written that OP a few years ago.

I was accused of pushing my DM over (it turned out she had been pissed, invited herself to a neighbours DGC 4th birthday party and tried cartwheels) where she fractured her hip.

That was the last time I was alone with her.

My DB took over, declaring me heartless and cruel.

Later she was hospitalised and told the nurses that her bruises were from DB hitting her.
Police were called, it was bad.

Neither me, my DB or anyone had touched her. It was just the fastest route for her to get what she wanted.

You really do need to pull back and make sure you support each other (if the accusations are flying always have a chaperone)

Good luck.

I think you need to separate two very serious issues:

• The immediate issue is that your mother, a vulnerable adult, is now without a carer. If there are no longer any family members either able or willing to care for her, then this must be made absolutely clear to Social Services.
• Less urgently, but equally importantly, is the issue as to whether you believe your mother or your sister, and what your relationship with each of those people is going to look like, going forward. It isn't for an internet forum to help you decide whom to believe, and there's a variety of very possible scenarios where either of them could be lying, or telling the truth. That is probably your most difficult issue, but not at present the most urgent.

I'd support my sister in pulling back from this nightmare.

it all sounds hideous for you.

My neighbour is ( I suspect) an alcoholic. She told me a terrifying story about a conman getting into her house with a ruse about checking the gas. He hit her knocking out one of her front teeth, force-fed her alcohol and then tried to rape her. I was horrified for her but started wondering about the story as the police aren't investigating it and she seems very confused at times. I wondered if she'd got drunk and fallen and either couldn't remember what happened or made up the story to tell the carers that come to cover for her drinking. The next day she came to my door with flowers and said sorry, she must have been confused and this hadn't happened.

Yes, as pp have said, your dsis needs to step back and social services need to fill the gap.

Did your sister invite your mother to come and live near her making her the default carer? Or, did your dm make that decision for her? It's just that I read it as the latter but surely I must be mistaken?

It does seem strange that you are considering calling the police on your sister given your mum's history and her reluctance to show you any evidence. Although evidence of unjust - common with alcoholics - isn't proof your sister did anything.

With regards to my mum flat, she ended up being near my sister due to price. Where my younger dsis & I live is ridiculously expensive.

It was a practical decision as my younger dsis & I have young families, dsis slso works fulltime. I have 2 ds with SN. My db lives other end of the UK.
My older dsis dc are grown up & she works part time.

My thing about calling the police was to see my mums reaction. It would be the first thing she'd suggest if it were anyone else.

The difficulty here is that when my mum isn't drunk shes an articulate & intelligent women.

She's sober today. She's sticking to her version of events.

Ultimately, she is a vulnerable person who needs care.

My younger dsis & I are going to drive up to see her tomorrow. I've already contacted S.S and realistically it will take some time to do assessnents etc. My mum doesn't wasnt SS involved. She doesn't want a cleaner or anything...

My older dsis is so sad. Its the only way to describe how she is...

Yes, your mum needs professional help, your poor sister needs her own life. I'm just thinking why your mother didn't want to involve the police, she told you your sister hit her, maybe she assaulted your sister. Did you ever think of that, and certainly if drunk, she wouldn't have the first clue what she was doing. How would she give a police report. In my experience Alcoholics do the most horrible things, and you know what, everyone else is to blame except them. If she's a compulsive liar, and you know that to be true. Your sister may be blameless. Dealing with your mum seems not for the faint hearted. If she doesn't want to help herself, then it's time for the professionals. She has to take responsibility for her own actions. It seems to me that yourself and your sister are enabling her, this has to stop.

It isn't really so much about what she wants anymore though really is it?

It's about what she needs.

No matter the truth about what happened, your dsis now can't be her carer.

She needs care so she will need to accept some.

Very much so Offred.

I honestly cant see a way back.
Dsis can't be her Carer & that is that.

Sad and difficult situation. Depressingly common too. People often really want their family to care for them but it is very common that they can't cope or it just isn't appropriate for that to happen.

Tell your sister she is wonderful for having managed this so far but it is absolutely fine, and in fact it is best, for her to stop now (if you haven't already).

:( I feel sorry for your dsis OP because my DBRO went through similar. Mother took her pain pills, texted us all she was going to off herself and o/d, blamed dbro. Police called, ambulance took her to hospital, she claimed dbro hits her. I called her on it, we spoke daily and she never failed to insult him so wouldn't have NOT told me. She said "well I'm scared of him and that he would"... it was her way of getting attention and getting people on her side.

I can't talk to her anymore. Turns out she was bitching about me behind my back too, after everything I did for her that hurt a lot.

Distance will go a long way to helping you and your dsis, but I'd suggest counselling too