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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex and the older couple

14 replies

Adamadamant · 28/10/2016 14:30

Hi all, just looking for some advice. My wife and I have not had sex for over a year. We're both in our 50's and she has lost her libido, it might be due to the menopause or not particulary liking her body (though I still find her extraordinary sexy). I don't think it's something that really bothers her, we still are affectionate to each other,kiss and cuddle. But and its starting to become a big but, I miss sex! I don't really know what to do apart from finding an all consuming hobby! Anyone anywhere got any advice?

OP posts:

dontrustcharisma · 28/10/2016 14:35

I don't know what the answer is but a lot of menopausal and post menopausal women 'go off the boil'. Changes in hormones I suppose.

5subjectnotebook · 28/10/2016 14:37

Have an honest conversation.

Her willingness or otherwise to talk about it will perhaps indicate how important to her it is.

If she's lost her libido, does she want to find it again?

If her answer is yes, and she's willing to talk to her GP then you can probably find a way through without resentment but if she's happy with not having sex (for whatever reason) you need to think whether you can stay in a sexless marriage without becoming bitter or unhappier than you are now..

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 28/10/2016 14:38

Have you talked to her about it?

RatherBeRiding · 28/10/2016 15:41

It is quite possibly linked with the menopause, as this can bring about a plummeting of the hormones. Quite apart from the actual symptoms of menopause, which can be debilitating.

Of course it might not have anything to do with that at all. Or it might have something, but not everything, to do with it.

TBH the only way forward is to talk to her about it as we can all speculate what it might/might not be - but she is the one with the answers.

Does she know that you miss sex? Have you told her? She may be in blissful ignorance that you aren't quite as happy with the status quo as she apparently is.

After a year without sex it obviously isn't going to fix itself, so you really need to find a tactful, but honest, way of broaching the subject.

Original poster

Adamadamant · 28/10/2016 15:43

Yes perhaps we need to talk about a visit to the GP but I think she's happy about not having sex, its just something that has faded from her life. I think I need to comes to terms with being in sexless marriage, I love my wife dearly, we plan to grow old and have fun together and how tragic would it be to throw that away. But I don't want to grow resentful nor do I want to become some sad old man sitting in his scanties watching porn on my own. Sometimes I wish there was a switch in the back if my head then I could just flip off my urges.

OP posts:

Mishaps · 28/10/2016 15:49

I will turn the switch for you!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 28/10/2016 15:51

I will turn the switch for you!

OP- try and talk to her to find out what's wrong and take it from there.

jeaux90 · 28/10/2016 16:16

Yeah nice mishaps!! OP yes just talk to her and hopefully you can find a away forward. Mismatched libidos are no joke, and I would feel the same as you, i would really miss it, it's an important part of a relationship and I probably couldn't sustain one without it!!

Original poster

Adamadamant · 28/10/2016 16:30

thank you DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen and Mishapsfor the kind offers but I am rather nervous about your method! But seriously thank you all for your advice, it is so tricky, I don't want to make my wife anxious or guilty, I, on the other hand, don't don't want to become resentful. I do miss sex but have to balance that with being in a loving relationship that is too precious to ruin.

OP posts:

ShesGotAMapOfTheWorld · 28/10/2016 16:38

I have had periods in my marriage where my husband has had a reduction in libido due to depression, and then where I have not been that interested because the medication I'm on has affected my interest in sex. It comes back, in time, if you nurture each other. Don't make her feel self conscious or rushed, let her know you still desire her without expecting anything sexual, and maybe ask if you can pleasure her without expecting anything in return. Maybe she will start to feel sexual again. Maybe she won't- as others have said, the menopause can mess with hormones and it could be related to that. With patience and love, however, maybe you will.find that things improve. You sound lovely, and that is one of the most important things.

ahsan · 28/10/2016 16:47

Just tell her that someone on mumsnet has offered to help you, you'd soon find her in the bedroom. Haven't come to that stage in my life yet but honestly think you need to talk. Go see a GP or whatever it is that you need to do to keep you both happy

Original poster

Adamadamant · 28/10/2016 17:29

ashan not sure what they were offering but I don't think it was that sort of help! I think my personal issue is that if we discuss it then the answers won't what I want to hear - that she is no longer interested in sex or that she no longer finds me sexually attractive and that scares me so its easier not to talk. Anyway its almost 5.30 on a Friday evening, thanks for all your advice. One last thing is it too early to open a bottle of wine? Happy weekend to you all.

OP posts:

ahsan · 28/10/2016 17:39

😊😂that was a joke which was properly uncalled for but yes just talk to her 😊

YetAnotherGuy · 28/10/2016 21:36

OP, I'm ten years older than you

I found as I entered my 60s that my libido began to wane. But the regularity of our sex life is not much lower than it was

What I would be concerned about in your situation is that your DW is not bothered by the lack of sex. Which is very common in women imho

But like most ot the other posters, I feel that you need to raise this with her. I think you have so much of your life remaining that you really don't want to find out the truth when you're too old to do anything about it. I think she needs to understand how important sex is to you (as it is to most men, i would suggest)

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