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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

For god sake, what the hell is wrong with me?

25 replies

Evilwater · 24/10/2016 04:09

i had a relationship with a guy for 6 months, he broke up with me a month ago.
The short of it is, he didn't want kids however, he works as a teacher does after school clubs and dates women with kids. Also when I talked about Children early on it was in the future thing. When we had this conversation I mentioned that cause we were older that it would be difficult. I was talking about me, but he seemed to think it was him, and wanted to wear condoms after that conversation.
Every part of me is urging me to go to his house and talk to him. I've felt this way for a month now and it doesn't seem to be going in fact it's getting stronger.

Should a drop a card in his letter box explaining how I feel? Or a letter? Or just a txt saying happy birthday?
I know I am really going to regret not doing something.

It will be his 40th and he didn't want to mark it.

OP posts:

YvaineStormhold · 24/10/2016 04:12

Leave it.
Try to move on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/10/2016 04:28

You want kids and he doesn't? And he's 40? Leave it. Heartbreak lies that way.

justnippingin · 24/10/2016 04:44

It's over. Leave it and try to move on.

Original poster

Evilwater · 24/10/2016 04:48

Every time I try and move on, I can't! He's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and last thing I think about when I go to bed. I dream of him and I, and to cheer me up, I think about the face he makes when he scowls, it makes me smile.
I never got to say I love him, I still love him.

OP posts:

SlottedSpoon · 24/10/2016 04:59

Well if you would like to have kids at some point and he clearly doesn't Nt to then what on earth is the point of pursuing this? Honestly, it's a waste of time. Let him go.

Original poster

Evilwater · 24/10/2016 05:02

I think he wants kids but is scared of the commitment.
I'm not a love struck teenager, I know I can't change his mind.

So why do I feel like I'm like this?

OP posts:

purplefox · 24/10/2016 05:03

You're incompatible, move on.

Anniegetyourgun · 24/10/2016 05:55

I think he wants kids but is scared of the commitment.

Sounds more like he quite likes kids but he doesn't want his own. Which is fair enough, but it isn't for you. He's not necessarily scared of anything - just knows his own mind. At 40 I should jolly well hope he did.

Why you feel like this is probably your biological clock screaming out "it's time, it's time, it's nearly too late". Unfortunately it's picked on someone who may take a few years to come round if he ever does (unlikely, he's quite old enough to know his own mind) and you don't have a few years. So hit reset and keep looking (easier said than done, of course).

Anniegetyourgun · 24/10/2016 05:56

Bah, made the same point twice. Too early for me.

greenfolder · 24/10/2016 06:00

Leave it. You don't say how old you are. But if at least trying for a family is important then move on. If you find the right partner then you could have a family regardless of your own fertility through fostering or adoption or other options.

Squeegle · 24/10/2016 06:05

You are in the grip of obsession/ crush/ whatever you want to call it. Really you have to work to be disciplined to get over it. Not easy I know, but definitely possible. No contact and block all fb etc so you can't be reminded. Don't allow yourself to wallow. Do other stuff. He has given you a message. Please be kind to yourself, but work on reducing and losing the obsession. You will get over it!

GinIsIn · 24/10/2016 06:23

I had a relationship with someone like this. In fact they were a teacher too. (If you are in Dorset, it may even be the same arsehole!)

It turned out long after I got past the stage where you are now that he was a serial dater who promised women the moon on a string, talked about the future etc. then after about 6 months when things were starting to get more serious, would pull the not wanting kids card and dump them abruptly. I got off fairly lightly - it turns out he'd bullied 2 other exes into having abortions so he could maintain his single man image...

In short, how you see him is through rose tinted glasses - if he wanted to be with you he would be, but you clearly don't want the same thing. Don't contact him - have the self-respect to give yourself some space to move on.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 24/10/2016 07:27

Just because he is a teacher doesn't mean he wants children.

Not wanting children doesn't mean he's scared of the commitment.

Not wanting children means he's considered his life and what he wants from it and children aren't in there. That is a perfectly valid decision for anyone to make.

Why to women doubt men when they say it and start attributing other explanations?

To be perfectly blunt, you are over romanticising him with all of the thinking of the face he makes when he scowls and smiling and thinking of him first thing when you wake, etc. You're indulging it.

The next time his face or a memory of him pops into your head, instead of feeling all dreamy and indulging in the heartache, just say aloud, "FFS, Evil, get a grip" and laugh. I guarantee it will start to hurt a lot less within a couple of days and then you'll start to get over it. You are not a slave to your emotions or a victim. You can take control if you choose to.

And definitely don't make contact, you're just prolonging it.

This is your life, do you really want to get 5 years down the line and realise you didn't meet someone who does want a baby because you spent the time being all Victorian melodrama about this man.

In the nicest way, grow up and get a grip.

twattymctwatterson · 24/10/2016 08:19

He told you what you wanted to hear in the beginning to reel you in. The sudden insistence on condoms should have tipped you off to that. Forget him

doji · 24/10/2016 08:46

It sounds like he's decided that he doesn't want to be with you and latched on to an obvious dealbreaker. He knows you want kids, so it's an 'easy' reason for him to give as to why you shouldn't be together, rather than telling the truth which would potentially be quite hurtful. Chasing after men who've dumped you is a reccipe for getting hurt. Sorry.

ravenmum · 24/10/2016 09:23

OP, you want children so you are trying to convince yourself that somewhere deep down, he does want them. But more likely he just really does not want to have children. Not everyone does.

Original poster

Evilwater · 24/10/2016 10:12

squeegle- no message.
Twatty- We were talking about past people, he left a girl who then came back and told him she was pregnant, he offered to support what ever she chose, however he never heard from her again. He was in a long term relationship with a girl who went back to her ex after 5 or so years.

Your right on the biological clock,
Doji- your right.

Ffs I'm 35.

OP posts:

Original poster

Evilwater · 24/10/2016 10:27

I also forgot to say I have a DS(4) who he was prepared to a step father too.

Oh, well......

OP posts:

LittleOyster · 24/10/2016 11:51

I'm going to go against everyone else on here and say that if he means that much to you, contact him. Give him one last chance to proceed with you on the basis you want, but for goodness sake make sure you don't get sucked back into a relationship on that's on his terms only - you know that won't satisfy you. Have one last roll of the dice, but understand that it will almost certainly result in a rejection, more pain and humiliation for yourself. Perhaps this will be the closure you need, and at least you won't have to go through the rest of your life thinking 'what if...'

ptumbi · 24/10/2016 12:48

OP - you are in the grip of a crush. Like me, with various filmstars/rugby stars/people in the street - I have a full-blown affair with them, in my head.

I bet you are doing this too - with the smiling at his funny face and thinking of him all the time. I bet you even have those 'conversations' with him (with you supplying his ideas and thoughts) and have convinced yourself that he is the man for you.

In a few months he will be as little to you as that-bloke in the England rugby team that I fancied like mad during the 6 nations (and can't even remember his name right now)

Give it time, 6 months say, and then think about a child with someone else - who might even want children.

leaveittothediva · 24/10/2016 13:03

I'd leave it. Find someone else. He doesn't want children, he's said. What's not to believe. Of course he dates women with children, he's 40, he will be hard pressed to find a woman without children around that age, that's just the way it is. If you go back you'll both just be stringing each other along. Relationships are hard enough when your both on the same page, you two are not.

MatildaTheCat · 24/10/2016 13:11

Two things in particular strike me: you weren't even at the 'I love you' stage when he broke it off. And after the 'babies' discussion he started using condoms. He could see where you were going and he just doesn't want the same things. He was actually kind to finish things and set you free to find someone else.

That's what you need to do. Absolutely agree with others that this is a crush or fixation rather than real and only very firm management will set you free.

adora1 · 24/10/2016 16:01

He ended the relationship, he told you he did not want kids, I don't understand what else there is to say, you sound really desperate and I am sorry but I would not contact him if I was you, he doesn't want what you want.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 24/10/2016 19:39

Six months is such a short time. You will get over it. Takes time.

crayfish · 24/10/2016 19:50

You sound infatuated but in reality this relationship was doomed. He doesn't want kids however much you try to convince yourself that he does really. He has done you a favour really and if you step away from the crazy behaviour (calling, texting, writing etc) then in time you will see that.

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