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Original poster

Husband is childish

15 replies

champagneistheanswer · 23/10/2016 22:33

My husband is so childish - he overreacts to everything and strops off if he things go wrong. He's not setting a good example to put children. I want him to be calmer and react in a considered way to things. How can I get through to him?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 23/10/2016 22:36

What's your feelings as to why he does it? I think a lot depends on the root cause. Was he like this before he met you?

pallasathena · 24/10/2016 07:55

When toddlers do that you either distract them or ignore. I'd go for ignoring. If he hasn't got an audience for his little strops then he'll quickly learn you're really not that bothered. While you continue to react, he'll continue with his performances.
Next time, just silently leave the room and get on with something totally not partner related. Get in the car even and take yourself off for a coffee somewhere, switch your phone off and leave him to it. After you've done this two or three times, he'll get the message. Is he a mummy's boy?

Original poster
champagneistheanswer · 24/10/2016 08:22

He would say that he is stressed that's why he reacts like this which is probably true but I think it's become a habit. He's not a mummy's boy, his mum died when he was 5. I can't ignore it as its often towards the children or when we are all doing something together. As an example we were all about to sit down to eat ( he had made supper), the kids were arguing about who was going to sit where and he stormed off upstairs and said he wouldn't eat with us. He eventually came down after lots of persuasion. Lots of things that I do are met with an indignant high-pitched shocked/angry reaction. It's s bit basil fawlty like. No he wasn't like this when I met him he was fairly chilled.

OP posts:
ChuckBiscuits · 24/10/2016 08:29

He eventually came down after lots of persuasion

Aw bless him. Attention seeking at it's best.

Leave him up there next time, and just make sure you and the kids have a jolly time eating, chatting, laughing at the table. And when he sheepishly comes back down tell him to grow the fuck up.

Dozer · 24/10/2016 08:33

Yes, why reward the behaviour with attention?

Unless he admits the issues and is willing to attend counselling, couples' or alone, and even perhaps then, it'd be sensible to assume that he won't change, so you need to decide if it's something you can live with, and want your DC to observe.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/10/2016 08:45

He eventually came down after lots of persuasion

That's what he wanted; all of you particularly you acting worried and running around after him by going upstairs after him. He should have been left up there alone. Bad behaviour like this is really about power and control.

You will never get through to him either; this is who he is and he is not going to change. He does this too because he can and it works for him.

What do you get out of this relationship, what is in this for you?.

Is this what you want to also teach your children about relationships, they are learning about relationships from the two of you.

MsStricty · 24/10/2016 09:41

"He's not a mummy's boy, his mum died when he was 5."

Actually, OP, in a profound respect, this does make him a mummy's boy. It sounds like in some way his emotional development regresses to a five-year-old in times of stress, particularly around children, which will be a reminder of his own childhood.

So, in effect, you're dealing with a child in those moments, and not a man, and the only person who can change that is your husband.

Original poster
champagneistheanswer · 24/10/2016 10:36

That is very interesting msstrictly and I cant believe I have never really thought about it like that. Obviously it would have affected him hugely and there wasn't really counselling or anything then, not for him anyway. His dad is a real stiff upper lip boarding school type. I ignore the behaviour when it's just the 2 of us but I find it really upsetting when the kids are there and I want us all to be together. There's a lot more I could write about our relationship and life of course but I don't know where to start and it would be too much to write and read. I think I need to start writing a diary for something to work out in my head what is going on. It feels like there's too much to deal with but I guess it's little steps.....

OP posts:
pictish · 24/10/2016 10:43

He's not 'childish' OP...well he is, but that's not really the problem here...he is angry.

"He eventually came down after lots of persuasion."

Angry men make poor husbands and fathers.They are self absorbed and expect a lot of attention and reward for their upset. Which is pecisely what you're giving him by going up there to cojole him down. It also deflects from unacceptable behaviour that he ought to be brought bang to rights for and turns it into a situation whereby rather than taking responsibility for his shitty behaviour, he ends up being soothed and pandered to as though he were the victim in the scenario.

Yes...he may be childish...but more importantly, he's angry, intimidating, selfish and manipulative, which are far worse traits than being childish.

echt · 24/10/2016 10:48

OP, you've said your DH "is childish" which is a generalisation.

You've given one example, which PPS have generalised about.

More info/examples from your side would help.

AdoraBell · 24/10/2016 10:52

I was going to say what ChuckBiscuits said.

Original poster
champagneistheanswer · 24/10/2016 11:31

Yes I agree Pictish he is angry. It's always my fault or the kids fault. Another example : we were on way out and the dog was sick everywhere. I didn't want to clear up dog puke as he wanted dog and when he is here he does dog stuff usually. Cue lots of shouting at dog and me and saying he could not go out as had to stay with dog. After 15 minutes he came with us. These are recent examples, It's the general over-reaction I don't like, exasperated, whiney reaction to everything as though our behaviour is ridiculously bad. He is always telling kids that they are childish as well and tells them off for crying (esp older one who is boy and 10.)

OP posts:
SmellySphinx · 24/10/2016 12:47

Blimey! HE sounds like a three year old trapped in a 10 year old trapped in a mans body but generally very stressed, immature behaviour aside.
When was the turning point that changed him from chilled to stress head?
Did it become more gradual after you had more children?
The incidents you mention would stress me out to a degree but no where near to the point where I'd pull a force 10 wobbler. You really shouldn't have to keep pandering and calming down a grown man over tiny little things. It's DRAINING

Sounds like he hasn't had much experience of kids in general before having his own plus having a stiff upper lip type Dad won't have set the best example or make him one of the most sympathetic people

SmellySphinx · 24/10/2016 12:50

Oh yeah, does he actually realise how ridiculous he sounds telling children they're childish?!

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2016 12:57

Pretty soon your children will be imitating him behind his back, you know.

It's one of those situations where he might see what he's like if he was filmed, but of course that would be impossible. I think he'd be shocked to see himself like that.

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