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Relationships

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Original poster

OLD confusion, some wisdom please.....

24 replies

skiseasoniscoming · 19/10/2016 09:16

So met a guy on Tinder and have been on 4/5 dates with him. We get on well, have a laugh, that kind of thing. I went on holiday about a month ago and since I got back he's been evasive about meeting up......he's very very busy with work which I understand but I'm not sure if it's just an excuse. He did used to ask about meeting up but hasn't done lately but that could be a work thing.

I'm really not sure what to do, he messages me every day still, just standard chat. He is a teacher at a very good private school so half term is next week. So as not to drip feed I did ask him whether he was using work as an excuse and he said "why wouldn't I want to see you". It has been more than a month now though! We did plan to meet up last weekend but other things got in the way, although he wasn't very proactive.

Do I
a) accept he's not interested and just stop replying
b) give him until the end of half term
c) some other wise idea you can suggest

OP posts:

Original poster

skiseasoniscoming · 19/10/2016 11:38

shameless bump...

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 19/10/2016 11:41

Stop replying. My other half is a teacher too and yes he's mobbed with new term/students etc but he has time for me because he makes time. And when you asked if he was using work as an excuse , well of course he's not going to say yes but he didn't say no either. Just stop replying unless it's about an actual date. Youll know very quickly then what his intentions are.

LesisMiserable · 19/10/2016 11:42

Ps as I said my oh a teacher - we also met on Tinder - that was two years ago. If he wants it he can make time.

Original poster

skiseasoniscoming · 19/10/2016 12:03

He did say he wasn't using it as an excuse as well but OK thanks

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 19/10/2016 12:07

He said "why wouldnt I want to see you?" According to you. Thats a polticians answer isnt it, answering a question with a question. It was followed up with "why wouldnt I want to see you, what are you doing later?" Fair enough. Was it?

HotNatured · 19/10/2016 12:12

I would go with

a) accept he's not interested and just stop replying

He's trying to fizzle you out but doesn't have the balls to tell you directly that he's no longer interested. Delete and move on

Original poster

skiseasoniscoming · 19/10/2016 12:26

He said both "why wouldn't I want to see you" and "I'm not using it as an excuse"

But OK that's great, thank you both

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 19/10/2016 14:11

But I take it he still didn't arrange to see you (and follow through on the arrangement) regardless of the words - his actions say that yes you should accept his not interested - or not putting enough effort in - which means you're worth more than that in any case

beesandknees · 19/10/2016 14:14

What people say isn't the thing though. People say all kinds of things. What actually matters is what people do. He's making it clear that he's not that interested. I'd stop replying

Original poster

skiseasoniscoming · 19/10/2016 14:39

You're right, I'm just trying to learn this whole OLD lark. I am pretty straight with people and I all the others from there have been straight up about things.

It's OK he was never going to be a long term thing but he was fun and I just fancied a bit of fun for a while

OP posts:

Pickanameanyoldname · 19/10/2016 14:44

This guy is the very definition of "all talk, no action".

I was going to say dump him but there's nothing to end as such, so just don't respond any more and move on.

Original poster

skiseasoniscoming · 19/10/2016 14:54

I've deleted his number, so its up to him now....

OP posts:

category12 · 19/10/2016 15:14

Well, deleting his number isn't going to help, is it, if he messages you regularly anyway? Or did you always initiate messaging?

If he's making no effort to see you, but messaging you regularly, it's that he's got you on the backburner. Probably 'seeing what happens' with someone else he met while you were on holiday.

HotNatured · 19/10/2016 15:15

That's the thing with Od ing, OP. It's full of people, men and women, who wouldn't know how to be 'straight' if it smacked them in the face. To combat the inevitable frustration this brings my advice in future is to go with the flow and don't get attached for a good few months. Certainly don't start mooning about them, imagining a potential future or where it might lead. Take every date as it comes and don't have any expectations. It's crap that this should be the case, but I think it's a good protection strategy in the infancy stages of dating seeing as you don't know these people from Adam, and have no common bond (ie. friends or work colleagues you both know) that might encourage them to behave themselves and act like decent human beings.

Original poster

skiseasoniscoming · 19/10/2016 15:19

Well we always reply to each others messages but its my turn to reply so I've deleted it so we will see.

I have no problems with it as it was only supposed to be some fun from my side. He just suited that need quite nicely. Ah well

OP posts:

Vagabond · 19/10/2016 15:26

My advice is this: if he wants to see you, he'll move heaven and earth to do so.

If he doesn't make definite plans (or even worse, answer messages with a question mark. As in "I guess we should see each other soon?"), he won't.

He just won't. Except in very rare situations.

All your exchanges and texts are just boosts to his ego. Stop replying. Or... say... it's been great to know you, let me know if you'd like to meet IRL.

Good luck. It's a tough game. But I will say, my niece met a guy on Tinder last March and they're getting married. There is hope.

Original poster

skiseasoniscoming · 19/10/2016 15:36

That's great advice, thank you

I'm really not THAT bothered, I guess I just don't understand why he wouldn't be honest..........I've told him to be and that it's fine to not be interested.

On to the next one eh

OP posts:

crispandcheesesanwichplease · 19/10/2016 16:29

ski imo he's either not interested but hasn't got the balls to be honest so he's playing the old game of stringing you along until you end it. Cowardly behaviour but very common. Or, as another pp has said he's keeping you on the back burner in case something else 'better' works out/turns up.

Keep your dignity and self-respect and do not respond if he gets in touch. He'll mess with your head if you don't.

He's spineless and I'm sure that's not what you would want in the long run.

Take control and move on.

MsStricty · 19/10/2016 16:43

As other posters have said, if a man wants to see you, it will be very obvious in his actions.

When my now-partner and I were first dating, he drove over an hour just to go out to lunch with me. He turned up for every date. He was thoughtful, attentive, communicative. He's still all of those things, but the most important thing in the context of your OP is that he started out that way too.

Don't settle for anything less than what you want, including not hanging around or giving third/fourth/fifth chances.

Original poster

skiseasoniscoming · 19/10/2016 16:47

Yes, that's very true he did start off like that.

Thank you all, this OLD malarky is a minefield!

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 19/10/2016 17:09

I've always likened OLD to the olden days when you used to just go out on a Saturday night - not every guy who chatted you up is going to be right for you and it's the same for OLD. Until you're properly 'going out' all bets, expectations and future projections should be off.

I would say as well that as you've stated you just want a bit of fun - put that on your profile you will be inundated with new blokes to choose from! But on the other hand if you're actually after a real connection, be honest and don't undersell yourself and the minute it's hard to get a date with someone, cut them loose.

Shayelle · 19/10/2016 17:27

He's met someone else but keeping you there in case that goes wrong

crispandcheesesanwichplease · 19/10/2016 19:20

If you put on your profile that you 'just want a bit of fun' you'll get all the shagging cyber cottagers who are just lining up the next shag. (trust me on this, and I'm not just talking about my own experience!) It'll make you sound like you just want sex . . . which is fine if you do but not if you don't!

Original poster

skiseasoniscoming · 19/10/2016 22:09

No I'm not just looking for sex, I just want a bit of fun in terms of a laugh and some fun dates and not stressing where it's going.

I worry if I put looking for a bit of fun then men will assume sex

OP posts:

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