AIBU about NC with step mother

[Ellarose85]

I've posted about my relationship with DF before.

We have been NC for about 6/7 years now due to his wife's EA of me and her constant lying.

She was EA to me as a small child and would make up lies about me (all of which I managed to prove as lies) she lies about pretty big things, like she told me that my DF tried to kill himself because of the first time I went NC with him when I was 17.

DH has been trying to build bridges with my DF and me for the past year or so. It turns out in this time my step mum said my DF didn't want to sort anything out as he has cancer - My DF was pretty devasted to find out that she had said this as it wasn't true.

I have said that I would like to meet up with him for dinner or something similar once a month so he can get to know his GC who he has never met but he won't do this without my step mum being there. I have said no to this as I don't want her in my DCs life as I don't want to run the risk of her being EA towards them like she was with them.

AIBU in asking for a meeting once a month without her being present?

This is probably the last chance we have of sorting things out.

Yanbu.

Your DH needs to respect your decisions and stop meddling.

Sadly, your father, who let you down very badly as a child and is still doing so, has chosen his wife over his DC. Your DC might well be better off without someone who's made such poor choices and treated their mother so badly in their lives.

YANBU.

If he can't see how toxic she is, then he has to continue not knowing his GC. You need to protect your children against her, like you have been doing

dozer DH was trying to help me out as I was down about the whole thing, he has backed off massively once he realised what my step mum is like.

Luckily my DCs have a wonderful GF in their life but I do feel sad that my DF is missing out but I know it's for the best.

Sorry if my posts are a bit all over the place, DS is using me as a climbing frame

Your father failed you and did not protect you, he is still doing this, he does not deserve to see your children, they both sound toxic and unhinged at the very least. It's his choice OP, stop trying to do anything, if he wanted a relationship with you then he'd try to make one, he'd rather allow his horrible wife to decide who abused you and belittled you, what a pair of horrible bastards.

Your father continues to put his wife before his family because he is himself a weak bystander of a man. I doubt very much that you will be able to meet him even once a month without her there because he is well and truly under her thumb. He gets what he wants out of this relationship with his wife and he will not agree to anything without her say so.

Your DF does not feel really like he is missing out otherwise he would have made far more of an effort to see your own family unit years ago.

Your children certainly do not need such toxic people like your DF and his wife in your lives in any way, shape or form.

Thank you for everyone's replies, they are pretty much the same as last time I posted but I needed to hear them again as I've been having a bit of a wobble today thinking maybe I have been unreasonable in asking to me DF alone.

I have said all along that what hurts the most is that my DF has made absolutely zero effort in the whole time that we have been NC to make amends.

Really, don't feel bad about this. You are absolutely right in your position and should stick to it like glue, with no budging. Don't move an inch.

Your children have to be protected from your step-mum at all costs, that includes going nc with your father.

My DF is the same. I have a stepmother who's truly awful. She never raised me, and was the OW. DF walked out on us for her when I was a teen. My story is long and complicated. But I have a DF who lets his wife treat me and my DC like shit and he refuses to have a relationship with me without her being there and/or involved.

His choice is not to rock the boat with his wife. He'd rather not see me or his grandchildren than risk upsetting her. He's a spineless, pathetic man. He does nothing to make contact or amends.

I feel for you. I have serious daddy issues and I'm in my 40s. I loathe my stepmother. Just seeing her name gives me a visceral response. Urghhh.

Omg op, you should have not doubt you are doing the right thing. Your father is a grown man after all and although ultimately he is choosing to be controlled by her, she sounds like an utter witch. If they are not an asset tovyour children's lives, they don't need them.