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Relationships

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Original poster

OH never compliments me, ever. It's been over 10 years now and I'm finding it hard to live with...AIBU?

23 replies

wefty · 13/10/2016 13:04

I do compliment him, not just looks but about work successes or other stuff that he has done or is doing. I think he used to like what I looked like but I'm not the same person anymore and my hair particularly reflects this and he's been quite honest that he doesn't like now , I LOVE it so it's not changing anytime soon ever. Even back in the early days he would never compliment me, I find it odd and have talked to him about it.

He is also brutally honest at times and it can be quite unkind.

Am I BU? I don't want flattery particularly...but are compliments important?

I've name changed for this as I have talked about this is RL and having contributed to the recent 'can I ask you a personal question' thread I would rather not be outed.

OP posts:

whattodowiththepoo · 13/10/2016 13:06

If it's important to you she should make an effort to do it but personally I don't think it's a big deal, people are just different with things like this.

Wooftweetwooftweet · 13/10/2016 13:10

My OH is the same. I make a point of complimenting him on different things. He never does, but if he notices something negative about me, he's quick to jump in. Funnily enough, my mother is the same. She'll do general vague niceties if I compliment her, but never unprompted. My OH won't even take a hint.
Do I look nice - is met with yeah, you look fine.
I asked him before why he never compliemnts me and he said it was because he doesn't want me getting a big head. No fear of that.
He also said he doesn't notice that I compliment him. Which is crap, to be honest. I'm sure he does notice.

I have a couple of friends I meet who are always full of compliemnts, and genuine ones too, not just to be nice. I love meeting them as we big eachother up and I always come away from meeting them feeling good about myself.

Being aware of my families lack of compliments makes me want to compliment others more in life. So I try.
But I'll never change DH, as I've learnt!

adora1 · 13/10/2016 13:14

My partner compliments me regularly, not just on how I look but as me as a person, and we've been together for years; I think it's very unkind of your OH to be so direct; it's hurtful.

Without my partner giving me positive remarks I don't think I would be as happy in the relationship, it cost nothing to be nice, this would really upset him.

If I was you, I'd stop complimenting him if he can't return the kindness, just no need.

Onlyonce · 13/10/2016 13:49

I could have written your opening post. It's sad isn't it? No advice to offer really. If you want to stay it doesn't sound like he will change so you need to find other things that make you feel good about yourself. It's hard thinking that your partner can't do that for you.

Onlyonce · 13/10/2016 13:51

What kinds of things does he class as 'being honest'

ImperialBlether · 13/10/2016 13:54

These men are always amazed when their wives go off with someone who is nice to them.

Original poster

wefty · 13/10/2016 14:34

YY to lots of the things written here!

Thank goodness for complimentary friends, they really do keep me going at times.

What kinds of things does he class as 'being honest'
He will be very honest when it comes to things like social functions and just bluntly say that he doesn't want to go, which then makes it difficult because I make an effort with the things that he wants to do and I feel it would be nice to do the same.

We've also been on quite a tight budget over the years, despite this I have managed to make the house look nice, largely from finding bargains in DIY shops or ebay, I've also made cushions and curtains before from absolute bargain fabric finds..a lot of them have been met with a 'what's that' or been refered to as 'that horrid thing'.

With clothes or hair it could be a 'well no, I just don't like it' rather than it's not my favorite but you still look lovely. The current hair issue is a real 'I preferred it how it was when we met', I was 10 years younger and had the time and money to have foils every 12 weeks, I also fancied a change and think that I do pretty well on my current budget!

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 13/10/2016 14:44

So what are his good points?

adora1 · 13/10/2016 14:55

Start being honest back OP, I doubt he's Brad Pitt himself.

Just find it obnoxious that a partner can't find anything positive to say about their OH, he sounds a complete bore and drain.

Vagabond · 13/10/2016 15:44

I read somewhere that successful marriages include a degree of competitive kindness.

Being kind. It's not hard.

It could also be that your partner thinks you look awesome all the time and he doesn't think to say anything. Blokes are quite simple that way.

Meadows76 · 13/10/2016 15:49

He never complimented you even back in the early days so I'm not sure why yonhave spent 10years unhappily wanting him to change. Why can't you Ccoet him for who he is, he clearly has you

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 13/10/2016 15:54

If he's stopped complimenting you then it's a problem that needs addressing. If he's never complimented you I'm not sure why you expect him to change now.

He needs to stop being unkind and rude brutally honest though. That's just unpleasant and unnecessary.

Original poster

wefty · 13/10/2016 16:01

I haven't particularly spent 10 years unhappily waiting for him to change I think perhaps it's one of those things that didn't matter at the beginning but does now.

and perhaps I'm not accepting him as he is, I don't find his brutal honesty easy, I used to be able to laugh it off but not so much now. Either way 'I don't like how your hair is now' doesn't feel particularly accepting either.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 13/10/2016 16:42

He's not going to change, he'll never do fluff, so end it

Tarttlet · 13/10/2016 17:16

Does he show you that he loves/appreciates you in other ways? Do you feel loved?

Original poster

wefty · 13/10/2016 17:35

So so Tarttlet, I would say he loves me but I don't feel like he gets me anymore, our paths don't cross that often due to his work so that doesn't help. From a good POV he does encourage me to get out and have 'me time' at the weekends, but he won't want to go out with me particularly.

OP posts:

kerstina · 13/10/2016 17:56

It's funny isn't it when I was younger I didn't really need compliments to feel good about myself . Fast forward twenty years I don't get compliments from DP I didn't really in the early days either ! I know he loves me but I have lost a bit of confidence in myself and had been a bit down.Someone else has come along and made me feel attractive and happier in myself again . I have not cheated but I can see how it happens when someone else comes along to make you feel good about yourself again . I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel again.

Joysmum · 13/10/2016 18:30

It's funny because it used to matter more to me what my DH thought, now I'll listen but I'm not that bothered any more because I'm more comfortable being me than I ever have been before.

BusterGonad · 13/10/2016 19:00

What doesn't he like about your hair? Was it blonde but now brown??? Men are a funny breed and I doubt he realizes how upset you are. Are you happy with yourself or a bit unconfident, I find when I'm not feeling my best remarks are taken way too heart...does that make sense. Too to heart???

Original poster

wefty · 13/10/2016 20:34

Yes buster very light to very dark, oddly enough I feel fairly confident at the moment, I think it's more frustration on my part that I think it would be nice to be with someone who thinks I'm pretty great I suppose.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 14/10/2016 00:38

Right, I think this is a case for some very direct honesty.

E.g he says "I don't like your hair like that". You say "I'm upset that you said that, it makes me feel like shit and that you don't find me attractive".

You make something, he says "that horrid thing" you say, "I put a lot of work into that and it saved us a lot of money. I'm insulted and upset that you called it horrid."

He doesn't want to go to a social event that you do. "Ok, but I didn't want to go to ........ but I went because you wanted to. It would be fair and thoughtful and supportive of you to return the favour."

He sounds thoughtless and selfish. I would try being very very assertive. If he gets the message, that's good. If he continues to ignore your needs, well you might need to think about LTB.

0phelia · 14/10/2016 01:08

Compliments are important imo so yanbu.

I have been in three proper long term relationships and in one of them I received no compliments at all, a whole lot of criticism and some borderline abuse.

The other two were/are normal happy relationships.

It's normal to compliment and appreciate your partner. A bit abnormal and even passive aggressive not to.

MsMims · 14/10/2016 01:20

It is important, I feel confident in myself but compliments really pep me up and boost my self-esteem.

There's something called the five love languages. My natural way to show love is in actions/ being caring but I do force myself to give compliments even though it isn't my instinctual way to show love. It's a really important way to show appreciation and affection. Giving your other half the benefit of the doubt, does he show love in other ways? Have a look at the love languages.

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