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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

On behalf of a friend

10 replies

Goingthroughdownpatch · 07/10/2016 23:15

My friend has found out her partner is cheating. They are splitting up. Still living together at the mo but very sour and hardly talking.

Friend has read messages between her partner and the other women.

However What the other woman doesn't know is that he has already cheated on her and is currently on dating sites. She has screenshot the messages e.t.c for proof incase he says it's not true.

My friend wants to tell other women but I don't know if she should. She is annoyed with him and thinks this will be a good way for him to end up with no one and lose everything.

Any advice anyone ?

OP posts:

Imbroglio · 07/10/2016 23:21

She needs to focus on herself. Keep the evidence in case it's useful but otherwise concentrate on moving on. Do they live together? Are there shared assets to sort out? Those are the priorities.

Original poster

Goingthroughdownpatch · 07/10/2016 23:31

Thanks Imbroglio

Yes, much of our conversations have been about what a horrible man he has turned into, the children , house situation and herself going forward.
She just wants to 'get back at him' and thinks this is an opportunity

OP posts:

Imbroglio · 07/10/2016 23:43

The last thing she needs is for him to get nastier, so until she's free of him the best thing is to keep the evidence to remind herself that he's a dick and congratulate herself for getting out now.

for her.

IsNotGold · 08/10/2016 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winkywinkola · 08/10/2016 07:06

She needs to keep her dignity and not trouble herself with him apart from focussing on extricating herself from the marriage.

In time, she will look back and be glad she didn't do anything to get back at him.

Your poor friend. She must be upset and so angry her husband turned out to be a turd.

OreoCat · 08/10/2016 07:12

Ah IsNotGold you would think that but the OW has probably been fed a line about how she is the love of his life, and he sleeps in a different bedroom to his wife and him and his wife never have sex...but OW, you are all that I want! So I imagine she thinks he is totally faithful to her, not even having sex with his wife.

As tempting as it is for your friend OP, she will find out eventually what he is like. Your friend needs to focus on herself and DCs, forget what the arsehole himself is doing!

TheNaze73 · 08/10/2016 07:26

She needs to focus on herself rather than the ow. She'll look bitter & twisted & the other ow will either A) Just choose to ignore her or B) Know already, having been the OW.

She'll gain nothing by doing it & look like every stereotype you can think of, of a cheated person out for revenge

Original poster

Goingthroughdownpatch · 08/10/2016 08:23

Good morning

Thanks everybody. Replies make sense. Will be seeing her later and put all the above to her . She's just very upset / angry with him.

Sometimes the advisor needs the advice !

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 08/10/2016 10:26

Well she won't look bitter and twisted if she contacts the ow. She will look very very angry as she has every right to be.

Bitter and twisted suggests nursing a grudge unnecessarily and getting poisoned by it.

The ow will find out what a horror your friend's h really is. In her own time.

If your friend contacts ow, it will unify them against her even more. And true love tends to be a bit defiant in the face of scepticism and doubt.

The best way to get back at her h is to be an ice queen from now on. Give him nothing but the absolute necessary minimum of communication regarding their divorce and access to their dcs.

He doesn't deserve anything more than that.

Original poster

Goingthroughdownpatch · 08/10/2016 20:57

Have been to see my friend today and we've had a nice long chat.

The idea about telling the other woman about the other women has definitely been parked to one side.
However, she did say that she had a row with him today and she hinted to him about knowing there was more than one woman.

I've told her to focus on herself and her children. Then she told me that when he came home, he asked the children if they'd had a nice day. They say 'ok'. He asks "was it fun" and children say "no"and then he went on to make snide remarks saying "well,
It wouldn't be with mummy" amongst other stuff.

She said she was so upset she just left the room , went to the bathroom and had a cry.

I told her she must bite her tongue and not come down to his level.

Think this is going to be a long road. He is most certainly not going to move out and in 12 months they will be mortgage free, if they sell house now they would miss out at least £40,000

OP posts:

Flip