Mums whose grown up kids are in relationships

[Greenicicle]

As a mum of a DD in her early 20s who lives with a lovely DP and has a baby, how do I know when to step in and when to back off? I think he is lovely, he works long hours, buys her presents, takes her out and always seems kind and loving. DGS gets tons of attention from both. But every now and then DD gets angry with small things her DP does and it looks unfair to me. But how do I know there isnt more to it? Do I stay out of it, do I have her corner even if it looks like she is in the wrong? Or do I say "you're out of order?" To her? I just want to know what the danger signals are so I can know when to worry and when to leave them to it!

I wouldn't ask too much of what is going on, unless the problem becomes too evident. You never know if these things she gets frustrated about are just minor and don't disrupt the easy flow of their family life. If you notice a problem that is evident, that is when you can attempt to get to share more. But before that I think it is not a good idea.

Is your daughter actually asking for your opinion?

Sometimes things look wonderful from the outside but are actually shit. If you keep shutting her down on the small things and criticising, then she won't come to you.

Everyone needs to sound off sometimes even if they're in a great relationship - let her do that.

Interesting that you list him working long hours in your positives. Bit of an expectation of man as provider there, no? I'm not saying it's a bad thing that he supports his family, but long hours isn't always a good thing.

As for presents... there's more to life than presents.

I would say, be careful you doubt idealise their relationship, don't cut her off over small occasional moans, undermining her feelings - and do ask her what she wants from you - to listen or to advise.

i wish my dm would ask me about my relationship a little bit more.

i wouldn't like her interfering really but advice us always useful.

i think you have to be careful not to be too biased in either direction and give suggestions not direction if that makes sense?

You need to stay right out of their relationship unless your daughter comes to you for help or advice.
Its lovely that you are part of their lives and are in a position to help out/spend time with your DGC but you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors so can't make a determination. If there are issues they need to work it out for themselves.

Thanks for that. Its just such a fine line sometimes! She can be a bit of a 'princess'. I agree about not shutting her down when she complains but also she is sometimes a complete ratbag. I get concerned if they bicker when they are with me. If it happens in their house then I don't know anyway and I don't ask. I just don't want the little bloke caught in the middle.
Reading these posts on relationships has made me wonder, especially when I read "all my family and friends think he is wonderful". What I meant about him working long hours is that he willingly does it for his family so she can be at home with the baby.

Why do you need to get involved? It really isn't your business. They are adults. My DM used to try to stick her nose in, and when you aren't there you just don't know what else is going on.

You say your DD is unfair for getting angry with small things her DP does. What sort of small things? Are you seeing her getting angry at the last straw, when you've missed the 5 or 6 similar things that led up to it?

FWIW 2 of my adult DCs are in relationships. We are available to them if they want to come to us but we don't interfere.

Just listen, take it in, nod, make sympathetic noises and make no specific comment or judgement. Feel privileged that she feels comfortable enough with you to have a moan. We all have a moan and whinge about our DPs now and again. If you feel strongly about something she's said, then maybe a raised eyebrow, or simply ask her if she wants you to comment on what she's said. Of course, if there is real trouble, let her know you have her back, no matter what. However, I'd ask them to shut down the bickering in front of you; it's not fair on anyone, just say it's embarrassing you. 'Is your washer broken?' 'No!' 'Then take your dirty laundry home!'
My 2 DCs never badmouth their partners to me.

Thanks Annie I think I like that outlook. And the washing machine comment, I'll use that!

Don't do it, don't get involved, unless there is obvious abuse there.

My MIL feels she is entitled to comment on mine and DPs relationship, and particularly how he doesn't see his friends as much as he did when he was single and didn't have a family, and it has really caused a breakdown in mine and MILs relationship, and in turn I know it hugely effects my DP. I know this is different to circumstances you're talking about, but it would have the same consequence for me.