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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please give me some hope that I won't be alone forever

22 replies

Arkkorox · 22/09/2016 18:16

Found myself a new single parent as of two days ago. I have a two year old.

Please tell me there is hope for finding someone who isn't a total tosser that will marry me some day.

Im scared, and hurt, and not feeling hopeful about the future.

Positive stories please!

OP posts:

scarednoob · 22/09/2016 18:32

Of course you won't. You will hurt and then you will heal and then you will meet a few pricks and then you will meet the one you are meant to be with. But more importantly you will realise when the pain and fear of the unknown dies down a bit that you don't need anyone as much as you think you do

Dowser · 22/09/2016 18:48

You can get to a being with a nice man by avoiding the pricks.
I did.
Plus we met through old which is the closest thing to a prick fest according to Mn isn't it?

Heal first sweetheart. Have some time to yourself.
I had a good year or so. Travelling, catching up with friends. Had a whale of a time.
Then when I was ready I put my order in ;-)
Had our first wedding anniversary last week and over 8 years together.

Original poster

Arkkorox · 22/09/2016 19:06

Thank you. I don't feel like anyone will want me ever again. Im not exactly slim and attractive. I feel like I was lucky to even have had my ex in the first place. I can't decide if im right or if my heads just been messed with that much.

OP posts:

Lilacpink40 · 22/09/2016 19:06

Yes you can. My ex was horrible but I have a nice boyfriend now. If it ends it ends, I'd have a break and try again.

You're less likely to meet someone if you're doubting yourself. Take some time to find out what you like and want before you meet someone new. I was enjoying being single when I went OLD, but I think that helped as I knew what I wanted and the messages to ignore from idiots.

BarbaraRoberts · 22/09/2016 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilacpink40 · 22/09/2016 19:08

If you feel unworthy how can you be treated as worthy?

You are worthy of affection and respect!

BarbaraRoberts · 22/09/2016 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RosaRosaRose · 22/09/2016 19:19

Yes, your head's been messed with. As you get on, notice the amount of things you do right. Start with noticing how much of a good mum you are and your kindness and love you have for your child. Notice that you are a good person. Stop listening if you have 'the bitch' in your head, telling you that you deserve to be alone. Dont be friends with her - would you talk to a friend like that? You can be alone, as in not in a relationship, and be happy. In the meanwhile, lean on us and lean on friends. Early days yet. You'll get there

PushingThru · 22/09/2016 19:21

You'll be back on here someday giving advice that you met the love of your life when you didn't expect it to another woman asking the same thing

RosaRosaRose · 22/09/2016 19:25

pushing so well said! I'm one of those ark believe us and take courage and of course our support.

RosaRosaRose · 22/09/2016 19:31

(Although I should add that I have chosen to stay alone and rebuild. Being in a relationship isn't necessarily the only way.)

Somerville · 22/09/2016 19:33

I really don't mean this to sound unkind, Ark but the fact that you've been single for just 48 hours and are already worrying about being alone forever indicates that the last thing you need right now is a romantic relationship.

Concentrate on all the things that you have control of, rather than the things you don't. Your relationship with your child. Organising your living space. Your job or studies or what you want those to be in the future if you're a SAHM for now. Seeing your friends or making new ones. Getting fit - for your health and confidence, not to look good for a man.

And yes, in time, the chances are very strong that you will meet someone who you click with and the two of you will fall in love. At the start of 2016 I was a very hurt and rather lonely widow, and now I'm planning my wedding.

PushingThru · 22/09/2016 19:38

Somerville is totally right. Gather stuff & achievements that are totally yours. I suspect the relationship wasn't that great if your early reaction to its ending is to worry about being alone. People who don't want to be alone are notorious for accepting lower standards. Apologies if that is off the mark, but it sounds like some self love is needed.

stubbornstains · 22/09/2016 20:25

I really don't mean this to sound unkind, Ark but the fact that you've been single for just 48 hours and are already worrying about being alone forever indicates that the last thing you need right now is a romantic relationship.

^ That is definitely true, but I just wanted to temper that with the observation that pretty much everybody has that kind of thought the moment they've been left, and it's a normal way to feel xx.

stubbornstains · 22/09/2016 20:28

I should also say that, when I'm feeling like that, I look at all my female friends. Several years ago there was a bit of a moan fest going on . Four or five women in their 40s/50s wondering if they were ever going to meet someone, or at least someone who wasn't a time wasting wanker. Now they're ALL happily partnered up .

Original poster

Arkkorox · 22/09/2016 21:16

You're all right of course.

I went from one abusive relationship to another really, just different forms. I have no idea how to love myself. Where do you even start with that 😕

OP posts:

Whoooodat · 22/09/2016 22:34

I won't tell you that you will meet the love of your life. Who could ever say that? but it is likely that you will be happy again one day. You might even discover that its ok to be on your own. It took me 30 odd years to work that out.

GinBunny · 22/09/2016 22:54

Ark, I was you 3 weeks ago. Newly single, and scared of being by myself. I've heard a lot from STBXH about my shortcomings and believed every one of them. And I know the only way I can even consider another relationship in the future is if I get myself in a place where I am ok with not having one. It's scary. I'm not good on my own. But I have had support from friends, friends I didn't even realise I had, plus on here, and my GP has referred me for counselling. Perhaps you need to see your GP to see if you can be referred too, if you have gone from one shitty relationship to another you would probably benefit from it

Original poster

Arkkorox · 23/09/2016 09:07

I know I need to spend some time alone. I just have this awful feeling of doom about the future. Struggling to see that I won't feel like this forever

OP posts:

user1474623296 · 23/09/2016 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Arkkorox · 23/09/2016 18:26

Why was that last message deleted? I thought it was fine

OP posts:

Lilacpink40 · 24/09/2016 08:42

Ark if you're looking for a relationship to 'fill in gaps', such as helping you to love yourself, you're looking in the wrong place.

Starting with a negative mindset isn't helping you to stop negative relationships early enough. I recall a self-help book pointing out that healthy people don't dance with unhealthy people and it rang true for me. I had wanted my previous partners to fill gaps and then felt despondent when the relationship failed.

Healthy relationships are based on care, enjoyment and can bring about personal development, but they don't instantly solve problems.

I second the suggestion for councelling. It helped me to 'clear' my head.

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