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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment - day 4

28 replies

InkyPinky66 · 22/09/2016 12:51

How do you normally deal with it?

Like I said it's day 4 now. Had a few words here n there.

I'm trying to not lose myself in the midst of it and understand instead.. relationship isn't great. Anxiety and depression on my part plus loss of sex drive doesn't help.

Iv been falling asleep on the sofa a lot and I know that's what's triggered this last one.
Iv been carrying on like normal rather than having a go. Am I making it worse

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Magtheridon · 22/09/2016 12:56

Silent Treatment is abuse in my opinion. It's also irritatingly childish and i wouldn't 'deal' with it. I'd be showing whoever was giving me it, the door!.

You need to discuss things in relationships, not retreat into yourselves, otherwise - how would anything improve?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/09/2016 13:07

Its not you, its him.

Silent treatment like this is really emotional abuse. Its never about being silent; its about power and control. The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive action where a person feels bad but is unable to express themselves. Their being 'silent' is never a silent act. It generates what the sulker wants. Attention and the knowledge others are hurt. Plus a feeling of power from creating uncertainty over how long the ‘silence’ will last

Why are you and he together at all?. What are you getting out of this relationship?

hellsbellsmelons · 22/09/2016 13:29

My Ex did this and I left the next day.
Took all my stuff and went.
He had no idea why!!
We did get through it.
It was learnt behaviour from his mother.
He soon learnt that as adults, we can talk to each other about what is bothering us and come to a compromise to over come any issues.
It's called stonewalling and it's abuse!!!!
Can you go out tonight and have a nice evening with friends or family?
Just get out of his way and let him stew?

BendydickCuminsnatch · 22/09/2016 13:34

I have never had to deal with it, and I wouldn't. Ridiculous behaviour, it would be funny if it wasn't so unacceptable.

RandomMess · 22/09/2016 13:35

I called my H out on it, told him I wasn't putting up with any sulking - we either discuss things like adults or it was over.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 22/09/2016 13:39

What's triggered this?
It's a very immature way to behave. I'd ignore it and go off and go out or even leave.
Take the power away from this kind of treatment. People who do this are generally unpleasant and immature people. It's hard to have a decent relationship with them unless they want to change.
Time for some decisions?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 22/09/2016 15:00

It is emotional abuse, so you need to emotionally disconnect from him to protect your own mental health. Not much of a foundation for a relationship, is it? Make it permanent...why force your presence on someone who is demonstrating very clearly they do not welcome you in their life? As pps have said, it really is necessary to demonstrate that there is a zero tolerance for this behavior...it is definitely a deal breaker.

rememberthetime · 22/09/2016 15:09

silent treatment never happens in a vacuum. there is often other forms of abuse going on too. The fact that he makes you walk on eggshells to prevent one of these episodes is abusive enough.
the best advise is to educate yourself on this form of abuse and to see if there are sign of others.
In the short term just ignore and when it is over - instead of being grateful that finally your life seems better. You need to tell him it is unacceptable and that the next time he ignores you for days on end the relationship is over.
This is about control - pure and simple.

burninglikefire · 22/09/2016 16:25

My exDH used to do this. Absolutely horrible. Flowers for you.

Angleshades · 22/09/2016 17:10

My exdp gave me the silent treatment for 8 days after a row. We'd only being dating for 3 months. He then tried to worm his way back but I'd had enough by then and dumped him. Silent treatment is ridiculous, nothing gets sorted out and it makes a bad situation 10 times worse. Communication is key.

nicenewdusters · 22/09/2016 18:50

I'd be inclined to tell, not ask him, to talk to me or leave. Not permanently, unless there's a big back story here, but until he grows up and can behave like an adult.

How does he think he's helping his depressed and anxious partner by behaving like this?

Has this happened before?

And by the way nothing you are doing is making it worse. He is choosing to do this, he is the problem, not you.

SaggyNaggy · 22/09/2016 19:02

I would deal with it in exactly the same manner as I would deal with being punched. I'd tell the arse hole to fuck off and not come back.

What he trying to do is "correct" your bahviour. He wants you to think,
"If I fall asleep on the sofa he'll go quiet with me so I better not"
Thus you adapting your behaviour so as not to upset him, you change to suit him.

Tell him to go fuck himself, sleep on the sofa everynoght, don't allow him to train you to be a good little girl.

LellyMcKelly · 22/09/2016 19:18

Oh God, I used to date someone who did this. I have no idea how I put up within for 2 years. This was a 48 year old man, and a raging narcissist as it turned out. The silent treatment is about control, about attention seeking, and about the need to punish. It is emotional abuse, and nobody deserves it. I can understand someone going quiet for a few hours to process some bad news or something, but not for days. When mine pulled the silent treatment malarkey for a month, I walked, and then I ran. Life is too short to put up with knob ends.

MrsJackRackam · 22/09/2016 19:42

My DP used to do this, then I read a similar thread on Mumsnet and thought that's my DP. Fuck This. Next time he pulled it I told him I wasn't having him dictate the mood in the house and he had three choices: 1 get out his mood 2 talk to me about what was annoying him and we'd deal with it like adults or 3 get out. And I was serious. He'd 20 mins to decide.
He slinked into the kitchen 10 mins later and said the new washing up bowl looked great ( I know Hmm) however calling him on his shit really helped, his mum was a huffer so it was learned behaviour. And me letting him know that I knew it was all about control took the control away from him iyswim?
He still defaults now and then but I'm quick to speak up and it's a million times better.

hermione2016 · 22/09/2016 20:13

It's sounds so awful for you.I am just leaving my husband because he refuses to discuss, he used to stonewall (although I didn't know what it was) and ramped up to aggressiveness.I t got worse overtime.

Interesting hearing that it's about power and control, helps to have the message reinforced as it's easy to be suckered back in during the good times.

If you are not ready to confront him or leave start writing a journal.It made me realise what I put up over a long period of time with and how much I tried to resolved issues.

When you look back it makes the decision to leave easier as you know change isn't likely.

ittooshallpass · 22/09/2016 20:16

My ex used to do this... I didn't realise it was abuse. After 6 weeks of ignoring me (quite commendable when living in a 2-up 2-down) I thought I was going to go insane.

Spoke to my GP. Got the pills and peptalk to start putting my escape plans in place.

That GP saved my life. I kicked him out of mine. Kicked the pills and here I am!

💐for you OP.

AdoraBell · 22/09/2016 20:26

My late father did this. The longest time he stonewalled us children as well as our mother was 4 years. He started communicating when my mother left. Fuck knows why she stayed as long as she did.

I had an ex, also abusive, who did it. The way I dealt with it was I ignored him until he gave up and left. It was my flat and I didn't see why I should give it up.

So, as others have said, it is emotional abuse and you don't have put up with it. Tell him to either grow up or piss off.

wtffgs · 22/09/2016 20:48

Loss of sex drive? I'm not surprised! I wouldn't want to have sexy with a petulant idiot.
BrewBrewBrewBrewBrewBrewBrew

Dowser · 23/09/2016 13:53

I used to do this because my dad used to do it to me.
I found it very bewildering and confusing.
When I married my exh and we had the first major row I retreated into myself, sulked, wouldn't talk etc
We he started talking to me an hour or so after I was that confused little girl again, thinking ' hang on, it hasn't been a week yet.'
I soon realised there was a better way to do things. That an argument didn't have to signal the end of the marriage.

Since then everything is open for discussion .
Hopefully he will realise that also, that there is a better way

Hissy · 23/09/2016 16:15

Pack him a bag. Give it to him. Silently.

Open the door and slam it on his arse as he leaves

Seriously! Get him the fuck out of your life asap. He stays gone until he's man enough to talk things through on an equal footing.

Charley50 · 23/09/2016 17:51

My DP used to do this to me; it made me incredibly anxious and upset. I got him to stop when I sent him am article about it being abuse and the affect it was having on me. He has stopped. If it started again I'd end the relationship. Oh I told him that as well.

SandyY2K · 23/09/2016 18:44

This is something I've done in the past when my DH has really annoyed me by something he said or did.

TBH I didn't see the point in discussing the issue at that time, because he never should have done what he did and I was way to angry to talk and I could well have said something terrible, but true IMO.

So it was easier to just ignore him.

So if you haven't had an argument or done anything, then straight up ask him what's wrong.

JeanPadget · 23/09/2016 20:42

My XH did this - for two decades. He could have won Olympic gold medals for sulking. It wasn't until our marriage was almost over that I Googled 'sulking' one day and discovered the term passive-aggression. And yes, it was learned behaviour from his mother.

Tell him to stop it or you're going to leave. It's emotional abuse. I wish I'd got out years before I did.

camichung · 24/09/2016 00:24

I did not realise this was emotional abuse, my ex also used to do this to me all of the time! I used to get really bad anxiety.

Original poster
InkyPinky66 · 24/09/2016 13:27

Thankyou for all your replies

It kind of is my fault tho, things have been off for a long time and with me sleeping on the sofa he said he feels single.

Think it's time to end it things aren't getting any better

Thanks again Flowers and I'm sorry to hear people have been through this and worse Flowers

OP posts:
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