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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed re Badoo dating site

23 replies

SecretLocker · 20/09/2016 09:08

I have been seeing a man for around 5 months now, and we've been 'serious' for the last 2 months. All has been going really well, both very into each other sexually, great friendship prior to getting together.

I was with him last night, he was reading a whatsapp message from a femail friend, no big deal whatsoever, he showed it to me. I noticed at the top of his phone screen a notification from Badoo. I asked what it was, and he pulled down the notification and it said 'Nicole is online'.
I immediately put on my shoes, grabbed my keys and left saying 'that's really bad'.

On the drive home I got messages from him telling me I was being silly, it was nothing, he hasn't used the site in a year or so, he has no idea why a notification came through.

I phoned him and we had a heated discussion around trust etc. Him saying if I can't trust him, there's no relationship, etc etc.

I've no idea what to think - he vehemently denies using the site recently. I have no issue with anything prior to us getting serious, we all have pasts obviously, but I can't shake the feeling that he's possibly casting around for casual meet ups.

Can anyone please shed any light? Would a notification come through even if you haven't used the site for ages? Am I right to disbelieve his explanation? If he's genuine I can get past this and continue the relationship, but I don't want to let this go and end up looking like an idiot.

OP posts:

SheldonsSpot · 20/09/2016 09:11

What a coincidence that the one time a notification happens to come through from a dating site he hadn't used in a year, you happened to be looking at his phone.

He's either the unluckiest man in the world or a big liar.

Original poster

SecretLocker · 20/09/2016 09:22

My thoughts exactly

OP posts:

Original poster

SecretLocker · 20/09/2016 09:28

But I'm still hoping someone will post here and make me think differently.

OP posts:

AverageGayLadAtChristmas · 20/09/2016 09:28

I don't know, I've had messages come through from Grindr (which is similar) although I haven't been on the app in a couple months.

AverageGayLadAtChristmas · 20/09/2016 09:30

You could tell him you'd like him to delete the app? I'm assuming he still has it installed, hence the notification - but again, I haven't gotten around to deleting apps but that doesn't mean I still use them - but if he's with you he has no need of the app so he shouldn't need to complain about removing it.

Belle0906 · 20/09/2016 09:33

I think the notifications would still come through if he had the app still on his phone. If he hasn't used the site in over a year why have the app on his phone?

I would trust your gut instinct on this one.

Original poster

SecretLocker · 20/09/2016 09:35

But surely if a notification regarding one specific person ie 'Nicole' comes through as being online, does that mean he's been in contact with her?
It was his day off yesterday as well, so I'm wondering if he was lazing around using the site.

OP posts:

toots321 · 20/09/2016 09:57

There are so many different sites I'm not sure but there is a possibility that they may pop up. There is so much accessibility to sites nowadays. I think all we can do is have trust. At this stage Op all you can do is trust in his word. Show him that yes, you believe in 'trust' to make a relationship work. Explain how you feel about him still having the app. Obviously then if anything like this happens again you will know! It's so hard dating 🙈

AverageGayLadAtChristmas · 20/09/2016 10:16

Secret I would assume it means she's on his "friends" list, but thAt doesn't mean they've spoken recently. Skype, for example, will tell me "Jake" is online - even though I haven't spoken to him since September - purely because he's in my contacts.

AverageGayLadAtChristmas · 20/09/2016 10:18

Since December, even

Original poster

SecretLocker · 20/09/2016 10:20

Thanks Average
I've had a look at the site and it doesn't look like a hook-up sex heavy app, more 'friendly' contacts possibly.
I didn't see him on there so I assume he's deleted it by now.

OP posts:

AverageGayLadAtChristmas · 20/09/2016 10:25

I'm not an expert, but I would say it probably didn't mean anything.

Sit down, have a talk, and I hope it all goes great for you :)

TippiNoodlegruder · 20/09/2016 10:32

Badoo is really bad for this. I used it about 8 years ago and still get occasional emails from them, looking for all the world like I'm still an active user! Good thing dh trusts me really! I used it before I had a smartphone so it was the website not an app. I agree in order to get notifications he'd need to still have the app installed,but that doesn't mean he's using it.
I personally would have deleted it but I know there are plenty of people who wouldn't bother, without it being for nefarious reasons.

Give him another chance.

TippiNoodlegruder · 20/09/2016 10:35

Grr my reply didn't post.

Badoo is really bad for this. I used it about 8 years ago, the website not the app as I didn't have a smartphone, and I still get emails from them that look for all the world like I'm still an active user. Good thing DH trusts me! So it's entirely possible that the app is the same. Personally I would have deleted it as soon as the relationship became serious, but I know there are others who wouldn't think to and it wouldn't necessarily be for nefarious reasons.

Give him another chance

Kneejerk · 20/09/2016 10:35

Just a point...

He was comfy showing you the notification, he may be pretty genuine and open.

Talk to him calmly and honestly

TippiNoodlegruder · 20/09/2016 10:35

Ok it did post. Pick a reply, any reply...

Original poster

SecretLocker · 20/09/2016 10:41

Thanks for all the replies.
I'm all for giving the benefit of the doubt. I'm going to have to take his word for it, but a bit of damage has been done sadly.
This is going to make me vigilant and I don't want to be that kind of person sadly.

OP posts:

Original poster

SecretLocker · 20/09/2016 10:41

'Sadly' twice in one post oh dear

OP posts:

AverageGayLadAtChristmas · 20/09/2016 10:49

Ah, but if everything goes well you won't need to be vigilant after a while :)

Kneejerk · 20/09/2016 11:10

Good luck, please don't let it taint your perspective too much, been there..it's not healthy for you or your relationship

Original poster

SecretLocker · 20/09/2016 17:06

Thanks to those of you who responded. I'll be talking on the phone to him later tonight so I'll be able to think more clearly afterwards.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 20/09/2016 17:13

If it says "Nicole is online" then he's clearly talked to her before on that site. If he hadn't used the site for five months, surely it wouldn't still be showing messages? On any dating site it says when someone was last online. It seems to me as though he's been on there and has been chatting to Nicole, at least.

So I wouldn't believe him - he could have said, "Look, let's go onto the site now and I'll show you..." but he didn't, did he?

adora1 · 20/09/2016 17:29

9 times out of 10 it really is what you think it is, trust your gut, sounds like you are pretty clued up and are not deluding yourself that it's all innocent (like some others on here).

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