Friend with alcoholic husband how can I help?

[Mrstumbletap]

Hi, I need some advice on how to help my friend. She is married and has 2 very young DC with her DH.

He is now a alcoholic, and he has got increasingly worse in the last 6 months, he doesn't work, lies to her constantly about drinking, drink drives, can be aggresive and manipulates her. He hasn't hit her, yet, but I feel things are going that way. Pushing, throwing things at her etc.

She is lovely and intelligent, and I think she is scared of being a single mum with such little DC (understandable).

Could anyone please please give your opinions, advice or experience and I will shove this thread infront of her and make her read every word when I see her this week as she won't start one herself.

I would encourage your friend to contact Al-anon as they are very good with regards to family members of problem drinkers. Would she want to attend one of their meetings?.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You can provide a listening ear and encourage her to think about what life would be like without him in it day to day. What does she want to teach her children about relationships, after all they are learning about relationships from both of them. Is this the role model she wants to impart to them?.

Thank you Attila, so she herself can attend AA? As he went for a few sessions but then admitted he didn't like it as it was like a cult and religious and made him ask God for support. Do you know if this is true?

The only advice I have is that being a single parent is actually really nice, hard work but I love the freedom. Way worse to be in an abusive relationship that makes you and your kid unhappy. I hope she finds a way forward X

Al-Anon that Atilla referred to are not the same as AA, they are specifically for family members of alcoholics.

When did he go to AA? If it was recent, that does sound hopeful that he recognises he has a problem. If AA isn't for him (and it isn't for many, especially atheists) then his GP could provide a number of other options. Or he could seek a private therapist or rehab centre, if funds allow.

If it's just more excuses, then your friend will need to leave to protect herself and her DC from his addiction. The DC MUST be her highest priority now. She cannot continue putting her H's welfare ahead of theirs. children of alcoholics [[http://www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk/]] grow up with some horrendous problems, and the less the addiction is acknowledged, the harder those problems are to overcome.

I would report him to the police if he drinks and drives.

Just be there to support your friend when she needs you. You might also want to advise her to make an appointment with a solicitor/CAB/Woman's Aid because she needs to get herself and her two young children away from this man as soon as possible. She also needs to take control of the finances as he is might decide to drain their bank account to feed his habit If he gets desperate.

Unless he does something to help himself it will get worse. She needs to act now.

Thank you all, he won't do AA anymore and tried counselling but won't go back.

My friend has reported him to police and they have his car on their records but they said unless she can give a time and location he is out and about and is under the influence there isn't a lot they can do.

Thank you for that link, I will show her that too when I get her to read this.

She is sensible with her money and he doesn't have access to it other than his share of the house, but what can she do? She can't move out with two children and leave him in their family home, and he said he won't leave either.

So does she just live with an alcoholic, that is now sleeping all day, drinking, shouting at her, sleeping and repeat? What are the options, legally? You can't call the police for shouting can you?

Any other advice?

Single parenthood isn't a bad thing. Not as bad as being in a volatile relationship.
Although it wasn't through alcohol, my relationship ended when DS2 was a few weeks old. We left when he was six months.
I have the most amazing bond with him (he's 10 now) because of the years when it was just the three of us.
Unless your friend can realistically see things getting better, and it doesn't sound like they will, then the younger the children are, the more adaptable they are.
I can't beat myself up, but it was all a lot harder on my older boy. But he told me the other day how proud he is of me for the life I made for us, when times were once so tough.

It's hard being a single parent, but there's a pride and dignity in doing it all on your own.

Another one saying that single parenthood is really so much better than living with an abusive partner. The number of women posting on here with abusive partners who have suffered PND and I am pretty certain I too would have had problems bonding with my dd if her horrible father had still been around. FFS this man isn't even working, so it's not as if she will be financially worse off.

Al-Anon is also a very good place to find a support group and guidance, but what she really needs is legal advice about the possibility of getting him out of the house.

Now he has convinced her they need counselling.

Any mumsnetters been to marriage counselling with an addict?

He is trying to claim he has no problem. He wants to claim she is the problem.
Your friend needs to realise that he is addicted and alcohol is more important to him than his family. She needs to realise that (at the moment) he clearly has no intention of stopping.
Her children need to be away from this man. Sorry but children growing up with an alcoholic parent suffer. They will view their relationship and dynamics as normal.