"It's been over for a long time"

[CatEatCatWorld]

Hi, bit of background. Been together 16 years, 3 dc together. Not been the happiest of relationships for a while now. Sex is almost non-existent (his choice) No affection anymore etc etc. He's definitely not having an affair (physical anyway) as he's always with me. (we work together) He moved up here 16 years ago to be with me and has never made any friends, so I'm all he has. He has family 3 hours away, but we only see them once or twice a year (his choice-I actually love my in-laws)
Anyhow he did something really hurtful the other day, so I said to him if x happens again, we're over. He replied "It's been over for a long time".

Since then I've tried to just be civil as we still need to work together (both self-employed) I'm assuming we are over, but he just will not move out. He has no-where to go, he won't go back to his mums. I think he suffers from social anxiety, will not phone people etc, even going to the corner shop is a massive deal for him. This makes me feel sorry for him, which is why I've not kicked him out (house rented in both names, but I'm not giving it up and displacing the dc, and the house is too big for just him anyhow and the HA would make him move)
Argh, this probably all reads like gobbeldy-gook, I'm just reeling it off my chest as it comes to me. I'm still making his meals, and doing his washing as it's just easier to do so. So basically, nothings changed from when he said that ^^ as we weren't having sex anyhow.

One thing I did do was go out with a friend last night to the cinema, which I wouldn't normally do as he'd moan about it (hates me going anywhere) and it wouldn't be worth the argument. When he did moan, I just said "I no longer have to ask your permission"
Where do I go from here? If he will not move out, I can't physically make him, and he/we can't afford for him to live separate anyhow (all money is joint atm)

Well, "I no longer have to ask your permission" is a good start. Keep going out and making a life for yourself independent of him.

You have to stop cooking, cleaning and doing his washing for him, as he absolutely zero motivation to leave while you make his life easy and nothing much changes for him despite "ending" the relationship. He doesn't get to opt out of the relationship and the responsibilities to each other that means, and still get to have you as "wife".

Move him out of the bedroom, or you move out of the bedroom. Start a separate bank account and work on disentangling finances. You can officially separate while living in the same house, but you have to do all these sort of things to prove that, if you might be going the legal route eventually.

All this above assuming the relationship is over.

He sounds like he has MH issues, and in all compassion, I would probably insist/beg that he get help, but I'm assuming you've already gone down that route.

Thanks for replying. He already sleeps downstairs, has for quite a while. He will not go to the doctors. He has an ear problem at the minute and is refusing to go.
I've been trying to think of how to work money out, but almost everything is in joint names ory name (like I say he can't ring places to sort stuff). A few years ago £1k was mistakenly taken out of his bank and he wouldn't ring up to sort it. I had to call, then they got permission from him to speak to me.

Or my name*

You have to get out of the habit of taking responsibility for him, I'm afraid.

Start living more separate lives - he needs to do his own chores /cooking /washing etc. Give him time to gain confidence he could manage on his own. Set a date for him to move out after that and make him do it. See a solicitor to do a financial severance and file for divorce. You are entitled to a future and he is holding you back.

I realise that I need to stop doing things for him, but I find this really difficult to do. I'm a natural helper doormat I will help anyone who needs it, and I do need to toughen up, I know that. If for example I'm making a cuppa, I'll make him one (he does too) and if I'm making dinner for me and dc, it's no big deal to peel a few more spuds. It kind of goes against everything I've ever thought iyswim. It's going to take a massive change of my thinking.
Not married btw. Not even engaged :(

Open a separate bank account and start from there if your utilities are joint get those accounts closed and open them in your name etc break it down into manageable chunks

There's no harm in making someone a cuppa but it's major life stuff he has to do by himself. It's hard but he is an adult, and fully responsible for his own life. It took bravery for him to say what he did, and it has acted as a catalyst for much needed change.

To be honest, I don't think he wants change. I think he thought I'd be all "aw no, don't say that..."etc. But tbh it was a relief, that he finally confirmed what I'd been thinking for ages. I think he'd quite happily continue like this, just living together -no affection. Probably because I'm still doing stuff for him, I think he said it to shock me?? I dunno, i know if I ask him what he wants he'll say for me to move out (with the kids, he wouldn't manage with them) because he knows I'll never do it. So it's like the onus is on me to make things change, which I guess I'll have to but It's going to take me a while to un-learn doing stuff for him.

It's going to be difficult, and it's going to feel petty. But otherwise nothing will change and he is perfectly content to carry on like this forever. Well, maybe not content, but miserably apathetic.

Sometimes we're co-dependent and enable each other's poor habits and life-skills, and one of us has to stop. And it's a horrible shock and even can seem cruel - but otherwise it's just a cycle of misery.

Do you have a joint mortgage, or rent?

I think it seems loads to untangle in one go, but you need a timeline and plan to do small things by a set time.

I also think you need legal advice.

So first thing on your timeline, open up own bank account, start transferring regular amounts in. Then, second thing, see a solicitor, etc.

Speak to the HA about getting his name off the tenancy. Stop doing stuff for him. Get a new job that isn't with him. Change all the bills to your name only.

If the tenancy is in joint names the housing association won't get involved in choosing who has the tenancy. Unless he wants to move out, in which case he can be removed.