Dealing with jealousy

[Littlebee76]

I'm absolutely desperate for some advice.

I'm extremely jealous yet without reason and I can't control it.

I have the most wonderful loving husband who would do anything for me yet I'm constantly jealous even if women on tv! I accuse him of looking at them!
I know it comes from being very insecure and I didn't have a great relationship with my parents as a youngster, in fact my dad was jealous of me when I was a baby as I took my mums attention from him apparently!

I just want to be able to relax and feel secure and stop giving my husband a hard time.. Any advice??

I might be able (or not!) to help as I am the opposite, as in I find it hard to understand jelousy in others which actually can be quite difficult at times.

I think it is about confidence as my attitude is o well if they run off with someone else then I will too, when one door closes another opens and all that . Sorry probably not much help I'm sure someone more useful will come along!

It's true I'm massively lacking in confidence which is ironic as I have a lovely husband and secure job yet my confidence as hit an all time low!

I used to be like this Littlebee.

I even used to get jealous if I saw a girl of his usual type just walking down the street (even when he wasn't with me)!!

You will drive yourself (and your husband) crazy if it continues.

The only way I dealt with it was to take a deep breath before saying anything, and try to put myself in my boyf's shoes. if he was constantly accusing me of looking at blokes etc, how would it make me feel?

and as PP says . . it is also about confidence. I changed my way of thinking from 'she is better looking than me etc etc etc', to . . .'well if he doesn't want me, then I don't want him to stick around anyway'

I don't know if that's makes much sense, but it did help with my jealousy. unfortunately with mine though - it was mainly due to him being a flirt. as im totally secure in relationships where the bloke has given me no reason to be jealous.

xxx

I think that it's all about respect and if he's doing this I front of you then you must tell him how it's making you feel and see what he says. You can't stop him looking at anyone but I know how much it hurts when oh does this but I've learnt to ignore it and I haven't really noticed him doing it for ages. I think it's just something men will do but by no means does it mean he's going to cheat on you

He looks at everyone as he's quite nosey and a bit of a curtain twitcher to be honest. I've caught him looking at old men before and I'm sure there's no need to worry there. I know in my heart it's down to low self esteem but I'm just desperate to get a handle on it so I can relax and be happy and get off his case too..

I know what you mean about him being nosey.

My ex used to hold eye contact with people (waitresses etc) for just a bit too long. but when I paid attention, I realised that he did this with everyone!

he would nearly crash the car from looking at people walking on the pavement, but it could be male/female/young/old. so I learnt to not take it personally.

x

It's so hard tho isn't it. I think I find it harder to deal with as I'm the opposite, I walk with my head down!

Ditto Funnytummy

I used that same technique. I tried to think of it from the other side. I could only do this once I was as sure as I could be of him though. I used logic to think things through first and then tackled my emotions.

I really hit me how destructive I could be to our relationship if it continued, I could ruin everything. Placing myself in his shoes really did the trick over time.

Most abusers are abusive because of insecurities.
If you take time to understand them you'd actually feel sorry for them.
I don't believe your jealousy only stops at only him looking at other people.
It most likely affects other parts of his life too.
If you don't stop you will eventually lose your loving and kind DH

Littlebee

re your comment:-

"I know it comes from being very insecure and I didn't have a great relationship with my parents as a youngster, in fact my dad was jealous of me when I was a baby as I took my mums attention from him apparently!"

Jealousy and low self esteem go hand in hand and your parents, particularly your dad, taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships that need to be unlearnt.

The above is precisely why you are so insecure now with regards to your DH. You need to deal now with that part of your past properly and through seeing a therapist. Its not an issue that can be readily solved without any outside help. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

It's a very destructive emotion and could lead to you splitting up if not careful. CBT therapy is very useful for all sorts of things and may be something to consider. It's about retraining your thought processes effectively.

You obviously want to make things better, and you love your husband, so im sure you can get through the jealousy thing.

I agree with posters above, it is so destructive to a relationship, so if it means biting your tongue and dealing with your feelings, without accusing him of stuff, then you may have to do that for a while, until you get used to the idea that he isn't going to leave you/cheat on you.

my friends husband is a very very jealous person, and it has really pushed her away, to the point of her saying 'I may as well have an affair, as im being accused of it anyway' . . .don't get me wrong - she wouldn't ever cheat, but that's what it can do.

im not trying to worry you . . .I just think it is something you can get over, with some confidence and self esteem. xxx

Relaxed, secure and happy are emotions. Giving him a hard time is an action, a behaviour. One does not force the other. Emotions happen. Actions are a choice.

Years of therapy might sort out your emotional problems.

Changing your behaviour can happen much much faster but only if you accept that you can choose to get off his case no matter how you feel.

I have no advice to offer, but I'm exactly the same... So was my mother

Acdcfan, sorry to hear you are going through the same thing, it's sole destroying isn't it.

Thanks for all your replies.

I think the main thing is that I'm so insecure with incredible low self esteem and I constantly compare myself to everyone else. I beat myself up with this every single day whereas I do bite my tongue with dh most of the time so actually make myself suffer much more than anyone else. Id just like to relax a bit more instead of feeling so inadequate the whole time

You need to explore this away from the family dynamic i.e; in individual therapy sessions.

Eventually your husband will have a tipping point - and it's up to you to deal with the reasons you feel the way you do, not your husband - he can reassure you till the cows come home (and I bet he does) but the reassurance you need to overcome this chronic insecurity is from yourself - via therapy. I imagine couples therapy would be beneficial also but you need to work on why and how these insecurities have manifested and coping mechanisms for how to deal with them in your everyday life.

Good luck OP