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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP stayed out all night

52 replies

Wellfuckit · 13/09/2016 23:30

Just that, really. We had an almighty row over how he refuses to make allowances for our child's SN. He told me, in front of the neighbours to fuck off out of his house since I've threatened to leave on several occasions.

I left the room. I could hear him ranting out in the garage to our neighbour. I came back downstairs after a while and he wasn't anywhere to be found. I messaged him time and agin but nothing. Called his parents because he was in dark clothing and hadn't taken the car - was worried he'd gone for a walk down local country roads.

By the early hours I started to pack a suitcase. Things have been bad for a while. Both stressed and over worked. I'm very snappy. Every time I try to talk to him about our situation it's met with sulking, stonewalling, blame shifting, kitchen sinking, tears, rage. He takes any attempt to talk as a personal attack and I then end up losing my temper because I feel manipulated and guilted into shutting up.

He finally walked through the door later in the morning, saw the suitcase, flew into a rage about it and about my increasingly angry messages. No apology, said he fell asleep in the car (the car was checked and he wasn't in there)

I just don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

Atenco · 14/09/2016 01:20

It sounds like he crossed a line, telling you to fuck off in front of the neighbours, OP. I think it is time to call it a day.

Froginapan · 14/09/2016 08:22

I know. If I stayed out all night he'd be so mad at me and give me a right dressing down. Instead he stayed out all night and I'm STILL the one getting a dressing down because I've packed a suitcase and told him it's over via text.

It's always about him - no matter what happens, what's been said or done he manages to always turn it around to his pain, his hurt, his anger and my feelings are just an afterthought that he may concede are important after he's calmed down.

SaggyNaggy · 14/09/2016 08:29

Sounds like a petulent man child having a tantrum and disappearing as a way to punish you. The only conversation needed is a simple sentence,
"Grow up, help more or fuck off, your choice"
Then leave it at that.

Don't live like this for a second longer, if he doesn't shape up, fuck him off.

Original poster

Wellfuckit · 14/09/2016 08:43

Apparently the reason he flew into a rage last night in front of the neighbours was because

a) He was interrupted whilst talking about the issue of refusing to read up on DCs SN (says he doesn't have time to read about it) - yes, I interrupted him and it is a bad habit I am trying hard to stop

b) I asked him to please shut the back door because the cat was going to get out and he didn't want to because he was hot - that's when he said it was his house and he would do what the fuck he likes and to fuck off out of it seeing as I'd attempted to leave him before now.

Now he's ranting about the suitcase and is angry that I've packed (again) and asking me how the hell do I think it makes him feel to see a suitcase packed.

It's all about him and his feelings -again.

OP posts:

CalmItKermitt · 14/09/2016 08:45

Which username are you going to post under? It's going to be confusing if you keep swapping.

melibu84 · 14/09/2016 08:48

If you've threatened to leave before, it sounds like you're not happy in the relationship. I think you really need to evaluate your relationship with him and why you've stayed. Maybe it's time to move on, or try counselling, although, if he is that reluctant to talk about issues, I doubt he will go with that. :(

Lweji · 14/09/2016 08:52

He sounds like a great partner and father.

Quite frankly, both you and your child are probably better off without him.

What's the house situation?

SaggyNaggy · 14/09/2016 08:57

I don't get why a parent would refuse to read up on their child's condition? If it were me, I'd want every scrap of info and use it to make my DCs life the best I possibly could.

Sounds like bury his head in the sand type of jerk off.

Original poster

Wellfuckit · 14/09/2016 09:14

The DP is his stepchild, we also have a child together.

If I try to talk about anything that's bothering me (such as him not reading up on SN and continuing to put all the blame of their strained relationship onto DC's shoulders because DC has no time for him - he treats DC like a pain in the neck) I have everything he does for us thrown back in my face, that he doesn't ask anything of me, that I don't do enough around the house, that I'm a miserable nagging bitch, that I'm short tempered etc etc etc.

I am short tempered - I need a break. Two DC, one is a toddler, I'm anxious, sleep deprived, depressed, I am about of the house most days doing activities with the children. I'm worn out. I'm even more worn out by the fact that I cannot have a conversation with my partner about our relationship without risking an almighty row where he quite literally turns into the hulk - in my face, yelling at me, telling me how fucked up in the head I am, how he does everything for me, how I'm using him, how all I do is 'talk talk talk'. I'm often in absolute tears while he's doing this (though I do end up yelling back at him). He fires question after question at me without giving me a chance to answer. I get to tongue-tied and can't make sense of what to say to him. I beg him to stop and please calm down but that makes him even angrier - I'm controlling him, shutting him down.

Recently he brought up something I said to him some time ago - I'm guessing I was trying again to talk to him about our relationship and the lack of respect I felt from him - and I guess he had started to sulk because apparently I said: And you can take that hang dog look off your face. I don't remember saying it but because I don't remember saying it (and I said that if I did then I was very sorry) I'm apparently has lighting him and I'm controlling and abusive.

I don't know which ways is up anymore.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2016 09:21

He is simply projecting his own self image onto you.

What do you get out of this relationship?.

Life in thjs house must be hell on earth for these children as well as you. Sound travels after all and they likely hear and see far more than you imagine. There is nothing to be gained by staying.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, is this man you are with really a carbon copy of one or both parents.

SaggyNaggy · 14/09/2016 09:21

You do t need to know which way is up, you need to know which way the hills are, run there, never look back.

Of course you're tired, depressed etc etc. He should be helping, taking the stress off as Much as he can. Even if SN child is his step child, you came as a package when he "took you on"

Basically, he sounds like a right shit heap of a man.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2016 09:24

This is a toxic relationship. Far too much drama, verbal abuse and barely controlled violence in it

Best you separate properly instead of keep threatening it which only inflames the situation

Both of you are modelling poor choices for your kids

Original poster

Wellfuckit · 14/09/2016 09:29

Atilla - he reminds me of my mother. You absolutely cannot approach either of them with a 'complaint' - if you do you may be lucky enough to simply get the cold shoulder or being told you're making a mountain out of a mole hill or you will feel guilty because they are mortally wounded. If you're unlucky you'll be punished via a range of techniques including 'after everything I've done for you' and 'you're hell on wheels to live with' type stuff.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wellfuckit · 14/09/2016 09:32

I have tried to leave, Any, but I'm scared.

He acts contrite etc but he's told me I can leave but I'm not taking our child with me and that I cannot cope as it is anyway - maybe he's right?

OP posts:

PurpleElsa · 14/09/2016 09:35

He isn't right. He has just bullied you to the point that you actually believe that.

You are far stronger than you think. Everyone is but you don't realise it until you find yourself in an extraordinarily difficult situation.

If you do decide enough is enough and leave, you will find a way to cope.

Don't stay with him just because you are too scared to leave. If you stay, make sure it's for the right reasons.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2016 09:37

It looks like you have partnered yourself with someone very much like your toxic mother. That is what you learnt about relationships when growing up, that is what you know.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Far better now for you both to separate properly rather and now than having all this continued drama and verbal violence within it. Apart from anything else its unsettling for these children to be caught in the crossfire. Is this really the role model you want to be teaching them about relationships?.

Iamdobby63 · 14/09/2016 09:38

I'm not surprised you don't know which way is up and it's all down to that fact he is playing mind games.

This isn't good for you and it most certainly isn't good for your eldest. Who wants to be brought up feeling like a unwanted necessity? Obviously not from you but from your partner.

Do you have somewhere to go?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2016 09:40

"He acts contrite etc but he's told me I can leave but I'm not taking our child with me and that I cannot cope as it is anyway - maybe he's right?"

No he is not right at all. Inadequate men like him use such threats to get his own way and to keep their victim in line. Its an empty threat anyway; he is not at all interested in either child. He cannot cope with children in any case because his sole interest is he and he alone (your mother is probably built also along those lines too).

It is scary to leave but feel the fear and do it anyway. You do not need him. What you are describing here in this relationship is far more scary frankly.

Womens Aid are well worth talking to on 0808 2000 247 and they can advise you further.

Stormtreader · 14/09/2016 09:42

Leave. And take your child with you.
He's not your owner and hes not your God, no matter how much hes tried to put himself in that position - I suspect his anger at seeing the suitcase was actually fear because hes realised hes not quite as in control as he thought.

shovetheholly · 14/09/2016 09:49

This sounds like a misery for both of you. I think sometimes when things have ground down to that point, unless there is a real sense of will on both sides to sort it out (and to accept the personal criticism and change this entails), it is best to call it a day. You may find that when you pick up that suitcase and walk out, your overriding feeling is relief.

SaggyNaggy · 14/09/2016 09:53

I wouldn't buy into his threat about taking the child tbh.
In fact I'd cautiously say to call his bliuff and say fine. Assuming he's not been violent to his child and you don't think he'd mistreat them etc?
I doiubt it would happen, the reality would set in and he'd realise that being a parent isn't just the fun stuff, its the hard stuff too.

LineyReborn · 14/09/2016 09:54

Of course you'd cope. You'd cope really well because you wouldn't have him yelling constantly.

I know the type.

loobyloo1234 · 14/09/2016 09:56

He sounds awful OP. From what you've said, I haven't seen one reason why you would stay? He has no redeeming qualities, and talking to you like a piece of shit in front of neighbours?

I never say LTB as nothing is ever that easy but I think you need to start looking at that as an option. It's beyond toxic now, surely there is no way back?

blondieminx · 14/09/2016 10:08

You would cope. Look at what you're already coping with - but then you wouldn't have his attitude to deal with as well, on top of everything else?

You might find your depression improves too. I once read on here "before deciding you are depressed, first check you are not surrounded by arseholes"... this man shouts at you, doesn't help or support you, stonewalls any conversations about how things might improve - it's not sounding like a healthy place to be?

When my own marriage was falling to bits years back, we were in counselling etc, someone said on here something that finally gave me the courage to end things, it was "do you want your children to see your relationship as their model of what marriage looks like"? It really struck a chord. You CAN do this.

Lweji · 14/09/2016 10:16

he's told me I can leave but I'm not taking our child with me and that I cannot cope as it is anyway

Oh, typical abuser's script.

He's showing his true colours.

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