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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LDR + Anger

31 replies

Rih29 · 13/09/2016 12:48

Hi All,

I have been in a LDR for about 2 months. We have met each other & plan to see each other again soon.

I have always been very vocal about things that may annoy me in a relationship with previous partners, for instance if their behaviour is disrespectful.

However, with my new partner, it's hard to do that. We used to be able to talk for hours and laugh and joke, now I don't feel like that.

I feel like I have to hold back, I can't open my mouth & say what I want. For instance, sometimes he will ignore me when I know he's online. He's also been acting distant. I'm not ok with this behaviour. But if he calls again I want to raise this, but I know he will say "all you do is argue. I don't want to talk". It's about HIS behaviour not mine! He is also criticising and just his attitude sucks sometimes. I don't want to push him away or him think everytime I talk she only has something negative to say, but I have to say what I need to say.

I do love him & I know he loves me.

How do I approach this situation?

OP posts:
Nabootique · 13/09/2016 12:53

Didn't you post about him already and was told unanimously that he's a dickhead and to get rid?

pictish · 13/09/2016 12:55

You begin to understand that you don't actually know this man very well and that 'loving' him is very premature, while taking note of how he actually treats you outside of your fantasy notions of who you hope he's going to be.

Bananacabana · 13/09/2016 13:03

In my experience, if there is a grievance in the relationship it needs to be discussed, otherwise it'll fester and get worse. If however, he does not listen to you, shuts you down, gets angry or ignores you, then he is disrespecting and/or manipulating you and the relationship is unhealthy and one sided. You should be able to speak in a relationship and if not, get rid.

pictish · 13/09/2016 13:05

Absolutely. That's fundamental. If you are afraid to speak your mind or get shouted down if you do, it's going nowhere.

Somerville · 13/09/2016 13:05

The point of dating is to get to know whether someone is a decent human being, compatible with you physically, can meet your emotional needs and vice versa, etc.

You've worked out that this man doesn't so you approach the situation by ending the relationship.

It's as simple as that.

Scarlettablue · 13/09/2016 13:42

Far too much drama two months in. Get rid!

BeMorePanda · 13/09/2016 14:43

this is not love.
And this is the best it will be.
Dump.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/09/2016 14:47

As I said on your previous post.
Womens Aid, Freedom Programme - FAST!!!!!!!

Cabrinha · 13/09/2016 14:49

If it's a new relationship, you don't know each other, so you're not in love with each other. This is part of getting to know each other and realise that.

I can't tell if it is new - you say new, but I don't know if you mean only the LDR bit is new.

Even if it's only the LDR bit... He's shutting you down and ignoring you. Why would you want w boyfriend that does that? What part of that makes you fall in love? Keeps you in love?

I think there's a pretty good rule of thumb on MN - if someone includes the phrase "I do love him", then it's usually a shit relationship.

KinkyAfro · 13/09/2016 15:15

how can you love someone after 2 months and even so, he doesn't love you, he's not showing it

LumpyMcBentface · 13/09/2016 15:19

Is this the New York guy?

Sweetheart, he is SCAMMING you.

Nabootique · 13/09/2016 15:22

That's what I thought Lumpy. Op has NC.

TheNaze73 · 13/09/2016 15:25

I think you need to work on your own neediness. Love after 2 months?? You barely know him

Somerville · 13/09/2016 15:53

If this is NYC guy then you need to wise up, love.

There are a lot of users out there. It's your responsibility to guard your own heart from falling for people who don't have your best interests at heart. And when you get it wrong, to recognise it and walk away.

RiceCrispieTreats · 13/09/2016 16:30

It's a terrible relationship and you're better off out of it.

I know that may be hard to come to terms with, and it sounds like you're having a hard time accepting it.

Can you articulate why you find it so difficult to think of ending it? Is it that you are afraid of being alone? Or do you think you need a cast-iron reason that even he will concede to in order to be entitled to end it? Is it that a part of you believes him when he blames you for his own behaviour?

It is that bad and you are entitled to end things, you know.

I hope you do.

0dfod · 13/09/2016 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina · 13/09/2016 17:42

Is this guy who you've met for two days and had sex with once when he made you do stuff you didn't what .

And now you are paying for him to come over to the UK to visit you .

The one you are sending home made prom to ?

Hissy · 13/09/2016 17:55

A relationship is one that both people WANT TO BE IN.

He doesn't. He's treating you with contempt at the very least.

Find your dignity for gods sake and ignore him when he's online. Permanently.

MariposaUno · 13/09/2016 19:11

I don't believe you can be in love with someone 2 months in when you barely know them and with this much hassle already,what's to love.

Being shut down and disrespected and probably playing on your insecurities.
I read the NYC thread and if it is you, dtf.

Anyone can be nice,charming etc but it's what they do other than these things that matter most.

He isn't going to suddenly change, he is shoeing you exactly what he is and if you don't like it don't take it.

BitchQueen90 · 13/09/2016 19:30

No, he doesn't love you. And you don't love him. You don't love somebody you have only met once. That is not love. 2 months is NOTHING. Ditch it now while you can.

I really hope you aren't the NYC poster because you had plenty of good advice on there and obviously haven't taken it on board.

happypoobum · 13/09/2016 19:32

This guy? The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2730767-Wow-Where-do-I-begin-WHAT-is-going-on?

princessmombi · 13/09/2016 20:05

Read the other thread. All those posts are from nice people who read your op with genuine concern.

I went through a challenging phase a few years ago and struck up what could have been your experience with a man who I rarely saw irl but was in constant phone etc contact with. I recognise from your posts how all consuming it was and how desperate I was for a relationship at the time. It was a bit like being Brain washed!!! I expect you will look back on this period and just wonder what on earth it was all about!!

Next...I am not the best looking girl ever either - doesn't exempt me from real relationships with nice men who are nice to me and I to them. Simple as that.

Block the newvyork weirdo. Sign up to tinder and start meeting guys who are local to you. Go on dates - not Skype or face time - go and sit in a pub or Costa or whatever and don't over invest before you have met them.

Lastly don't be pressured by any bloke in to sending dirty films or photos or whatever unless you get a huge kick out of it. Don't be exploited x

Lunar1 · 14/09/2016 02:07

Please do what they all said!

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 14/09/2016 06:57

I haven't read any other threads about your or this chap. So, going purely on what you have said here:

2 months and you have met each other and you plan to see each other again?

You do not love each other.

He most certainly does not love you because men, unless they are emotionally damaged and ultimately abusive, don't fall into the same "but I love her" shit that some women do so early on. Oh and he doesn't love you because, if he did, he wouldn't shut you down when you try talking to him.

After 2 months and having met each other once, he is not even someone you are dating, let alone in a relationship with and he is most certainly not a partner!

AnyFucker · 14/09/2016 07:06

You just can't help some people.

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