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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So he finally admits he is seeing someone else

22 replies

goingtobetense · 07/09/2016 20:52

And oh dear I am so, so, so angry! I shouldn't be. I should be thanking him as I have been in an on/off abusive relationship for nearly 5 years and been sadly someone addicted to the relationship. We have a 1 year old together who is the light of my life. But it means I cannot be rid of him.

He told me via text she was prettier than me and 1 million times nicer.

I don't want to be angry, thinking about him/them non stop. Just needed to share. Name-changed as linking to my other posts may out me

Sigh

OP posts:
ButIbeingpoor · 07/09/2016 21:00

So sorry goingtobetense. That text says a lot more about him than his new crush.
Remind yourself of how abusive he is and how lucky you are your relationship is over.
Look after yourself and your child.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 07/09/2016 21:03

Google "complex bereavement". Normally for loss (death) of nasty "loved" ones, but works in this sort of a situation.

But, bottom line, you're shot of him! >Cartwheels

Original poster
goingtobetense · 07/09/2016 21:08

Going to google complex bereavement, and open the wine and chocolate! I've blocked him on my phone so at least I won't get any more abusive texts etc from him. It's a start.

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 07/09/2016 21:08

Well I’m telling you on here that he's a shallow waste of space OP, and he's done you a massive favour!

Honestly, what a pathetic message to send you.

You can be rid of him, but you share a little one, so of course there will be contact.

But not yet. Block him, grieve, focus on you and DD.

See CAB, find out where you stand legally, they might suggest local solicitor, where you can get free first session.

But that can wait, for now, just offload to us, there will be good advice along soon.

Sorry this has happened, but really, you are well shot of him.

PIVOT · 07/09/2016 21:48

I had an ex that sent similar texts about how much better the OW was. 18 months later, they split up and he messaged me saying that she was a psycho and he had made a dreadful mistake. I ignored him. It's just part of the devalue and discard narc cycle. Look after yourself

LesisMiserable · 07/09/2016 21:55

Well he obviously is far too busy basking in her superior good looks and amazing personality to bother texting his ex…oh wait.

For whatever reason he still wants your attention clearly, even if its negative attention - best thing you can do - give him fuck all and let him get on with it - you are well shot of him.

DeliaClartpepperTheThird · 07/09/2016 21:56

Shitbag. Sounds like you are well rid.

Good advice above. You take care of yourself, get lots of baby snuggles and focus on your bright future xxx

SpiritedLondon · 07/09/2016 22:47

For some reason I've got a line from a rap song going around my head " I've got 99 problems and a bitch ain't one ". This bitch is one less problem for you to worry about. Now doesn't that feel better?

SandyY2K · 07/09/2016 23:58

Well done for blocking him. Continue to do so and only communicate on child related matters.

Original poster
goingtobetense · 08/09/2016 21:18

Today wasn't a good day :( I went to see him re child care stuff and just pestered him with questions about her. Grrr, annoyed at myself. Anyway, ending up nasty and when he dropped DS back to mine this evening he started being nasty and was SOOO angry. I told him if he continued it would be contact centre (he has been doing this a long time and I keep telling him to stop). He is now going to a solicitor tomorrow... again been threatened so many times before. I couldn't care less if he does TBH

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/09/2016 21:28

And what is he going to see a solictor for? To get residency? Wont happen. To complain that you are insisting he stops verbally abusing you?!

Original poster
goingtobetense · 09/09/2016 20:28

To get contact arrangements set in stone apparently. He's the one who keeps breaking them!!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/09/2016 00:10

Then let him! He will be the one paying the solicitor. Except he wont of course, its just a threat, they all use it.

If you can afford it then I suggest that you engage the services of a solicitor and get the contact set in stone. Then when he next threatens you for not doing as you are told, you have a paper trail.

I pity his poor GF, she has this all to come :(

Bogeyface · 10/09/2016 00:11

Oh and I think I remember your other threads (dont remember your username, dont panic!) and I am worried that when the GF bins him off, you will have him back.

Please dont fall for his shit again, you have done this too many times.

PepsiPenguin · 10/09/2016 00:21

If it is a narc cycle, then googling The Grey Rock method may give you some insight into how to deal with him in the future.

It's so difficult if dealing with a narcissist but we stumbled accross The grey rock method and they do go and eventually find their drama fix elsewhere.

So when he says something to make you "kick" off which is more than likely what he enjoys. Just say ok, if you think that's best... And then walk away. then scream somewhere else and vent on here for hours

OrsonWellsHat · 10/09/2016 00:29

Op you're well rid of him. If/when he tries to come worming his way back to you, please remain strong. You and ds are worth so much more than this.
Fwiw twats like him always pull the solicitor/court stunt, it's just a way to control/scare you. Just say go on then. I'll eat my hat if he does. It's a costly business. Also keep a log of all times he reneges on contact arrangements.

ddrmum · 10/09/2016 00:34

You & DC are well rid. He's toxic & you dont need that knowledge your life. A solicitor can write lots of letters only a court can order contact. Try not to be stressed, he's someone else's problem now(lucky girl-
not). Concentrate on you & your DC - you have a chance for an abuse-free future. It really does get better- onwards & upwards! Flowers for you

Original poster
goingtobetense · 10/09/2016 19:09

So he's said actually she's not prettier than me and he is being all nice/hanging around/helping me with stuff etc etc... I fall for it every bloody time... Apparently he's not seeing her, he had the opportunity and turned it down WTF!!
I know its stupid but the thought of him in another relationship tears me up so much even though I know I am so better of without him. If I keep him around me he's not with her.

I would kick myself up the arse if I could. In the meantime I've downloaded Tinder to amuse myself... yes I know not ready etc. but if it takes me mind off him I'm in

Off to find off about Grey Rock method

OP posts:
whataloadofrubbish · 11/09/2016 11:11

Why is he allowed to help you? you are being manipulated and of course he will be still be seeing her.

whataloadofrubbish · 11/09/2016 11:13

You can't allow him to give you shit with one hand and take it away with the other. he is pulling your strings and you are allowing it as you're glad of his attention. You are being a doormat.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 11/09/2016 11:30

I fall for it every bloody time...

Then don't this time.

Cherrysoup · 11/09/2016 12:53

Picture yourself still in this relationship in 5 years with your DC witnessing abusive behaviour and poor old mum lying down taking it. Come on, girl, you're stronger and better than that. The guy's a twat, the bad times will always outweigh the bad.

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