Feeling physically sick with anxiety

[fairydustandpixies]

Hello lovely MNetters! Thank you for helping me before - I'm back again.

Quick update, I posted about three weeks about about my ExP when I discovered he'd been texting OW. Well, he kind of talked me round and we agreed to try again but with more honesty. I work in an all male environment and one of the freelancers started talking to me about the same time, asking if I was okay, etc, and I was texting him behind ExP's back so I kind of felt that made me as bad as him so let it go.

On Sunday night I felt compelled to check his phone again (I know, I know!) whilst he went to the loo. Surprise, surprise, I discover the OW is actually his ExW but he had changed her name on his phone. He was basically telling her everything about our relationship, asking for advice, calling each other 'babe', kisses, etc.

Anyway, I asked him to give me his key and leave which he did. I've blocked him everywhere, deleted his number and haven't heard from him since.

I feel so sick and upset. I think it's just kind of hit me today what's actually happened. What's confusing me more is that the guy I work with has said he's interested in me and we've agreed to go on a date tomorrow but I know it's a massive mistake really but on the other hand it's an ego boost and a distraction.

I know I'm going to hurt for a while and cry, I know I'm doing the right thing by going NC, but should I go on this date with my colleague? He knows I'm not looking for a relationship atm but is the saying about getting over a guy by getting under another really the way to go? Looking forward to your wise words... x

trust your gut and dont go on a date. youre too vulnerable, whether hes a decent person or not

see friends, exercise, watch tv. let yourself recover and heal. youre in no fit state to engage sexually/romantically with someone else yet

Honestly, OP, you're hurt, but cop on to yourself, as they say in my part of the world. Re-read your post, and look at how you are not presenting yourself as having any agency/decision-making powers at all in your actions. Cancel the date and maintain a strictly professional relationship with your colleague, otherwise you are heading for a car crash on top of a car crash. Just because someone expresses an interest, it doesn't mean you have to reciprocate.

In fact, I'd be pretty unimpressed re the motivation of someone who asks a colleague out when he presumably knows you have literally just come out of a messy relationship five minutes ago.

A fling did me the world of good in getting over my now exh! A hunky soldier gave me back my self confidence and reminded me how I wanted to be treated by a man! We both agreed it was a bit of fun. He lived away and I had kids. After it ended a monthater I did indeed meet my now dh!! Don't regret it for a second. He reminded me I was a sexy woman who deserved to be cherished again!! And if the sex side for you is a no - go just now you might find yourself a platonic relationship to stand by you during your divorce. Keeping yourself to yourself is a no - no at this time.

But this is a colleague? I'd keep my distance.

If you wanted a friendship with him and a shoulder to cry on and you make it clear that your vunerable and not looking for anything then fair enough.

But he's made it clear that he's interested in you and will have an agenda in the back of his mind for the pair of you.

Take some time for yourself with established friends who you can talk to, vent with and laugh with.

Was your husband having an affair with his ex wife? Or just over sharing your personal life? I'd it completely over in your mind?

Avoid the colleague, you're not ready and you don't need any drama/awkwardness so close to home.

If you want a rebound date/shag, do not do it with a colleague! It should be with a stranger.

But tbh I think it would do you a lot more good to get some counselling.

As I see it you need to think straight which is almost impossible when you are distressed. You have a few issues to consider here. First is practicalities, your job is potentially at stake if you go out with this guy and it then doesn't work out. How will you then feel being around him at work? What importance do you place on your work? Maybe you can easily get an other job? So that is one big consideration.

As to your question -Is it too soon to get into a new relationship? Again depends on how upset you really are. How long were you in this relationship? Trust seems to have been a bit absent. There is really no point spoiling your opportunities for happiness now by dwelling on that relationship but are you in any shape to see it like that? That is assuming your new man/colleague has that potential. You don't say how much you are attracted to him.
Lastly you might want to get someprofessional counselling to consider your options with an unbiased outsider who can ask you some challenging questions about how you make choices in relationships and choosing partners.

Postpone the date.
Just apologise and tell him you aren't ready yet.
Give yourself a little time while to grieve your loss.
You don't have to leave it too long but you do need to work on yourself first and foremost.

I went on a rebound date when I split with my ExH.
Worst decision of my life, although I thought I was OK at the time.
I really wasn't and I wasn't ready at all.
Neither was my date to be honest.

If he really does like you he will wait a while.

Still too raw I think for you to start dating again. You expect it to be an ego boost, but sometimes it can have the opposite effect and you end up comparing him with your ex, and can make you miss your ex even more.

Go on the date if you want to. You're not committing to anything at this point.

Nothing wrong with going on a date, but the pain of your break up won't go away by dating again. It'll still be there, you'll still have to go through it.

Don't date the colleague, could cause more problems than it solves. If it gets messy you won't be mentally equipped to deal with it.

Work needs to be a place where you escape the pain of your break up, not a place of further emotional stuff.

Why go on a date you dread. I suppose if it goes pear-shaped the freelancer might not be at the workplace much longer anyway but if he was hitting on you before your relationship imploded he is tenacious. It could make work an uncomfortable place to be.

Thank you all so much for your insightful replies.

Just to clarify, my ex was having an EA with his ex wife, not a physical one. We were together for a year and a half and had so many plans together. Yes, I'm hurting badly but I'm on day 3 of NC and I know this will take time to get over.

I've tried to get counselling. My GP referred me to a specialist service but after my telephone consultation they said my needs were too much for them and they wouldn't be able to help. So I can't get counselling unless I go privately and I can't afford to do that.

My colleague only expressed an interest in me on Monday when he found out that I'd split from my ex. Until then we were just friendly and used to text about our MH issues. He knows I'm not in a place to have a relationship right now and yes the date would just be sex, but I don't mind that and tbh I'm enjoying the attention from him as he's making me feel amazing. Yes, for his own ends I know, but then I'm enjoying it too. I've still not decided whether or not to see him tonight but he's not pressuring me and is very laid back about what happens. He's actually a good guy.

He is just a freelancer and doesn't often work in the place I am, he normally gets called in when there's a job which requires an on site installation and he goes away with the team to help them. He's helping out here at the moment but they're all going away next week for six weeks and then he won't be back until who knows when. So if I do go ahead with a fling, it won't cause any problems at work afterwards. We're in separate departments anyway.

I just wish I could stop hurting. I have disaster after disaster with men. I'm 45, been married twice, have been cheated on so many times, I'm now thinking just having flings and ONS rather than relationships is the way to go. I was single for years before meeting my now ex BF and was in a good place so I know I don't need a man in my life.

Thanks for listening to me and for your advice. Life is just bloody shit atm.

Take care of yourself for now.

Sorry you're finding life difficult atm. Sorry also that the counselling service you spoke to said they couldn't help you. Can I suggest that you go back to your GP to ask if there are any other counselling services they could refer you to? Free or low cost. You could also call the Mind helpline (0300 123 3393) as they can tell you about support available in your local area.

Thank you Donkeys and Another, that is an excellent idea. I'll do that when I finish work today (call Mind helpline). I hadn't even thought of that. And I will go back to my GP too.

You're welcome. The Mind helpline is open Mon-Fri 9am-6pm. x