Should I tell my daughter her mother is ill?

[CanadianJohn]

I've been divorced from Ex for over 40 years.

Many years ago, my daughter (now aged 48) fell out with her mother (my Ex) over a trivial argument. Despite many attempts from Ex, my daughter has had no contact with her mother for over 10 years. Likewise, the three grandchildren have no contact with their grandmother.

I've just heard that my Ex has cancer; she has had a lung removed, and will be having a mastectomy soon.

So, here's my question... shall I tell my daughter, and give her the opportunity to reconcile? She has made it very clear that she never wants to see her mother again.

I think you should. She may not forgive you for not allowing her the opportunity to change her mind even if ultimately she is unlikely to reconsider her decision.

Yes you should.

If her mother dies and your daughter finds out you knew she was ill and never told her she may blame/resent you.
Best to give her the info and allow her to make an informed choice. Support her all you can but allow her to make up her own mind.

I am in a similar situation to your daughter and the parent I am estranged from is in very poor health. I didn't mind being told by a family member that my parent was ill but I have no interest in reconciling, and would have had no patience with any guilt trips or pressure being placed on me.

It's very personal though. Good luck with whatever you decide

I think she should be made aware. She is an adult and can make the decision for herself.

Just make sure she knows you are not trying to get her to reconcile. Just give her the facts and let her do what she wants with it.

I would, she then has the option of reconciling but more importantly she will know that this illness runs in the family, I think it's important to know your families medical history.

Tell her.

We found out six months ago that my estranged father died last year.

I cannot say I would have gone to see him. I don't know.

I do know that the shock of an out of the blue, belated discovery of death has knocked me so far off kilter that I feel permanently winded.

Complicated relationships can make for complicated grief. I would have prefered to have had some time to process, before it was a done deal with no options left on the table.

Yes, tell her. Have you tried to help her reconcile with her mum over the years?

Tell her but what she she does beyond knowing, is her choice.

I would too, if for no other reason than for her to have an awareness of familiy health history.

I would. Whether she acts on it, is her call but, you'll have done your bit

Absolutely tell her.
But ensure she understands you are only telling her.
You have no expectations and what she does with the information is entirely up to her and you won't judge her no matter what she decides on.

You need to tell her. Then it's up to her where she goes from there. If you don't tell her and she finds out you knew (things have a habit of getting out somehow) she may never forgive you.

Tell her but give her plenty of time to digest what's been said, and don't hope for a reconciliation. It probably won't happen as it's been a long time, plenty of water has flowed under the bridge and your daughter has learned to live without a mother.

What do you envisage will be the outcome of you telling your daughter about her mother? Also, has your ex wife attempted to contact or reconcile with her estranged daughter?

Yes you should. Definitely. She has the choice then. Don't push your view on her though, just give her the bare facts. If she wants to know more, she'll ask. It may take a while to sink in, as others have said.

Was the argument really that trivial? or was it one of those 'they leave the top of the toothpaste off' arguments that is actually about so much more? (it might not have been but in that case, a trivial argument seems such a very small thing to cut someone off about).