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Original poster

Am I overreacting?

24 replies

wowfudge · 02/09/2016 22:16

DP informed me tonight he has changed the date a sizeable bill is paid from our joint account. He made the change a fortnight ago and has only told me after the money has gone out, a fortnight earlier than it used to be paid.

I'm upset he never discussed this with me and has only told me after the money has gone out this month.

It isn't paying out more money than we used to and does make sense as we know what we have left in the account to last the month. I feel hurt that it was just done and now I'm being told I am overreacting.

OP posts:

Hareebip · 02/09/2016 22:23

I think you're overreacting.

But I would probably have made it clear I would like to be part of that kind of decision in future. Then just forget about it and be glad he made a good decision?

Clarabelle40 · 02/09/2016 22:23

If what he's done makes sense, I think you are tbh. But has it left you in a difficult position financially?

Original poster

wowfudge · 02/09/2016 22:25

No it hasn't - I guess bring told it was inconsequential and a good idea rather than him saying maybe he should have discussed it with me has upset me.

OP posts:

ALaughAMinute · 02/09/2016 22:26

Unless there are some other underlying issues or something you haven't told us I think you're probably overreacting. Does he normally do things without telling you?

Original poster

wowfudge · 02/09/2016 22:28

No - but I'm wondering why he didn't tell me at the time he made the change. Makes me think he knew I would be upset there was no discussion.

OP posts:

ALaughAMinute · 02/09/2016 22:33

Why would he want to upset you? Is he controlling? Does he take pleasure in upsetting you?

MsVestibule · 02/09/2016 22:33

I'm genuinely a bit bemused by this. If it makes sense, perhaps it genuinely didn't cross his mind to tell you, or even discuss it? If it was a big financial decision like changing the term of a mortgage, yes, of course he should discuss it with you, but I really don't understand why changing the date of a SO/DD even warrants a discussion.

ecuse · 02/09/2016 22:34

'Irritated' I could understand. 'Hurt' is weird, and an overreaction unless there's back story? I assume he just forgot, rather than has deliberately hidden it?

JigglypuffsCaptor · 02/09/2016 22:37

Mine has form for this type of thing, its not done in a nasty controlling to get back at me way though, he just does things and then forgets, then when a visual reminder crops up like the DD leaving the bank the sentence starts "oh by the way I forgot to tell you......"

Its one of his minor flaws I can live with, it's never left us financially worse off or in a poor situation.

I just nod. Perhaps he just forgot?

AverysillyoldHector · 02/09/2016 22:38

Not sure its worth being hurt or upset over, it does seem inconsequential. Maybe just say that if either of you are going to do something like that another time, you will let the other one know.

idontlikealdi · 02/09/2016 22:39

It seems inconsequential to me of the money is there. Is there something bigger going on op?

Original poster

wowfudge · 02/09/2016 22:41

I had a partner in the past who pissed money up the wall and then couldn't pay his share so I am sensitive about money matters and he knows this. If I had wanted to make the change, I would never have done so without a discussion. When it's joint money I think that is what you do.

If he'd said he didn't think to discuss it or hadn't realised how I would feel then it would have been okay. Instead he told me I was unreasonable and overreacting which hurt my feelings.

OP posts:

Original poster

wowfudge · 02/09/2016 22:43

Anyway - it's good to get other opinions. Thank you.

OP posts:

Clarabelle40 · 02/09/2016 22:46

Okay, so are you admitting it actually was inconsequential and a good idea? Do you often overreact to things like this? Are you maybe a bit of a control freak? I don't mean that in a derogatory way, but sometimes people panic at not having control of everything and maybe he thought it would be easier not to tell you straightaway for an easy life. If it hasn't caused any harm, I would really try to let it go!

Gardenbirds123 · 02/09/2016 22:46

I'm not sure why you upset?? Is there something else going on?
If not You are overreacting

Clarabelle40 · 02/09/2016 22:49

Sorry, cross posted. I understand why you are feeling the way you are, but he hasn't done anyrhing wrong. We all have baggage but we can't expect everyone to always be able to understand what our triggers are and they don't necessarily mean harm in making everyday decisions.

NoMudNoLotus · 02/09/2016 23:03

I agree that money in a joint account OP should be discussed before things are changed.

sooperdooper · 02/09/2016 23:08

I really don't see what the issue is, if it had meant the dd came out when there wasn't enough money in the account or something I'd understand you being annoyed but to me this is a complete non issue - what does it matter?

sykadelic · 03/09/2016 06:22

Why does it matter?? Really?

He made a unilateral decision about JOINT funds. What if you also made unilateral decisions? What if you'd already changed it? What if you'd already set up some other DD without telling him or made a large purchase and that put it over? It's JOINT funds so you both need to know what's going on with it so you don't clash. It might not be a big deal this time but it sets a precedent. He should have said "I was thinking it makes sense to change the DD for X to X date. Can you see any problem with that?".

In this particular instance (as a one-off) it's probably not something to get super upset about simply because it hasn't affected anything badly (yet) but I DO think you need to have a calm conversation about it so he understands how disrespectful, and frankly dangerous, it was to make a decision about joint funds before making sure you knew about it and made sure there wasn't a reason he hadn't considered to not change it just yet.

DoreenLethal · 03/09/2016 06:28

Why not change it to a different date, not tell him and see if he overreacts?

If yes then no, you are not overreacting.

Ifailed · 03/09/2016 06:38

the clue is in the name "Joint Account". He should have not just told you, but asked you first. YANBU.

WamBamThankYouMaam · 03/09/2016 06:54

Yes you're absolutely overreacting. You've said yourself it's a positive change which doesn't affect available funds at all.

BreatheDeep · 03/09/2016 06:56

My husband never even looks at our joint account! He uses the card sometimes but just leaves me to make sure it's working. I don't really tell him if there are any changes unless it means there will be less money. Should he be upset with me?!

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 03/09/2016 07:01

I think I understand how your feeling. Is it because you feel like he made a financial decision with out letting you know making you feel irrelevant I undermined?

I had an ex who was shocking with money so any thing to do with out bills ect.. I can get quiet controlling (?) Its hard letting go and no having to be all over your financial situation.

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