Is it abuse or just a reaction to my actions ?

[user1471499145]

My husband has become very very verbally & emotionally abusive which he says is a reaction to my actions. I had an affair and told him I wanted a divorce. He moved out of the house - I did offer but this was the easiest solution due to having children.
It got so bad the police were called (not by me) and I was contacted by the Domestic Abuse Unit. This was in the last months and it has just continued.
Now we have fallen into a pattern of him being 'nice' via texts/phone but the second he doesn't get his own way he turns again.
There were occasions throughout our marriage when we had incidents but I just passed them off as normal marital tiffs - one occasion I apparently asked him in the wrong tone of voice if he wanted cream or ice-cream & he didn't speak to me for a week.
I am not making any excuses for my actions I'm just trying to quantify his reactions. He has literally called me the worst ever names in front of our children and anyone that will listen. He has damaged my property. He has threatened suicide on numerous occasions.

Also throughout our marriage he hated me going out with friends - if I did he would go to bed and ignore me. He said it was because he missed me so much when I wasn't there (talking about 3 hrs) & he didn't need anyone else so couldn't see why I did.

I'm really surprised you have to ask.

It is extremely abusive. Yes, you shouldn't have had an affair, but the normal reaction is to be upset and to end the relationship. It's never ever normal to call a person names in front of their children, threaten suicide or damage property.

He needs to stay away from you. Log every incident with the police.

I guess I am asking because he has been so manipulative he has me second guessing & questioning myself

Have Womens Aid been of help to you.
Are you in contact with local support services?
Yes, it's abuse at it's worst.
Controlling, manipulative, violent, aggressive, etc....
The list goes on.
Do some reading.
Have you read Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?
If not then get reading.
Get as much outside support as you can.
If he is verbally abusing you in front of your children then I would suggest involving social services.
He needs to be kept well away from you and your DC.
Are your family and friends supporting you?
Try not to put yourself in a situation where you have to come face to face with him alone.
I realise he still does it with others around but that person can call the police every time he kicks off.
Keep him away - do everything you can to ensure that happens.
And let's hope he follows through on his threats, but that is highly unlikely!

He is abusive and nothing can justify his behaviour. Nobody made him abusive he got there all by himself. Now you can see it clearly you don't have to put up with it any longer. You will all be happier without him.

I was you once. I had an affair which was such a shock to my straight religious upbringing I went into counselling to work out what was going on. After a year I left XH. He became utterly vile towards the end. He shouted at me late at night, harangued me on car journeys making me cry for hours, he hacked my computer and followed me. Apparently I made him do all these things with my awful behaviour. Looking back I can see the coercive control he exerted throughout our marriage. At the time he just loved me sooo much. He was a sulker too.
You don't have to be with him. You don't owe him another chance. You can have a new life on your own and be happy. And your children will thank you for it because they are living with the same control and it is damaging them. Be strong!

Thank you all for your replies.
I spent an hour on the phone to Women's Aid last night who were amazing.
I have a secret PAYG phone (he has confiscated my phone before)
A friend has installed a safe box on the outside of her house with a key in it and she also has kept all my texts to her which document what has happened.
Even this morning he sent me a message saying he will stop being horrible if I give it another go. I have told him everyday I don't love him anymore but he says he will never give up.

It doesn't matter what he says.
Really it doesn't.
If you want this over then it can be over.
Get WA to help you with a safe exit plan and get free of all of this.
Your life will improve so so much without all the abuse.
And your DC will thank you so much for getting them away from such a controlling, nasty, abusive, bully!

You are not to blame here. He is abusive and controlling.
Well done for contacting Women's Aid, stay strong and focussed on getting away from this bully.
Write a list of all the incidents you can remember. When you see them there in black and white it is hard to minimise the scale of the abuse, and it is good to have something to refer back to if you get the" am I doing the right thing "wobbles
You and your kids deserve better.Good luck x