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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do status and money make it impossible for a married man to keep it in his trousers?

30 replies

neverbetrickedagain · 31/08/2016 17:59

My DH said this to a friend of his. I've always believed this to be just a bullshit excuse for cheating. Those who want to cheat, they will. Regardless of their finances or influence. I'm also massively disappointed by my DH who cheated every time I went to visit my parents. I found out that every time he went out he was checking out women, making comments about them with friends and generally was too aware of girls and women around him. Somehow I expected a married man with kids, who has sown his wild oats in abundance before he got married, to behave differently and not drool over every good-looking woman like he were a teenager.
I would really appreciate your views on this - are all men like this deep down inside? I do have similar experiences with some bf before I got married. And yet I can't possibly imagine my dad or brother behaving this way... but I'm biased when it comes to them naturally. Anyway, am I just naive when it comes to men?

OP posts:
adora1 · 31/08/2016 18:03

That is revolting, how many times are you going to allow him to cheat on you before you say enough is enough, he continues to do so because you are staying and accepting it, if I have read this right?

Not all men are like this, in fact I have four brothers and lots of male friends, not one would be close to your DH, he sounds an absolute sleaze and a total embarrassment, I'd have detached and separated a long time ago.

You can look for reasons and excuses OP but he does it cos he can and doesn't give a shit.

BadTasteFlump · 31/08/2016 18:07

I've always believed this to be just a bullshit excuse for cheating. Those who want to cheat, they will

You're right - it's a bullshit excuse. There are plenty of decent men out there who don't cheat - in your position I would dump the manchild you're with and find one of them.

Dozer · 31/08/2016 18:07

Have you LTB?

If not, do!

Original poster
neverbetrickedagain · 31/08/2016 18:08

I'm in the process od getting rid of him Smile I should have put STBX. I have an appointment with solicitor tomorrow.
But I can't help wondering if this is all I can expect from men or I've just made some very wrong choices. Confused

OP posts:
PepsiPenguin · 31/08/2016 18:17

No, decent men who are in commited relationships do NOT act like this.

I have a brother who has a zero tolerance towards anyone who cheats. He has actually moved away from a friend of his who cheated on his girlfriend.

I have a DP who was cheated on, and he also has a zero tolerance policy, he is a decent human being and I also believe he would hold the same view even if hadn't have happened to him.

I'm glad to see your update and that he is your STBXH, the answer to your question is you can and should expect much more from men.

HappyJanuary · 31/08/2016 18:23

I've read that status and money are the biggest risk factors for cheating.

I can't remember why but I suppose those things make them more attractive to women.

I think being successful and wealthy can also lead to an arrogance and sense of entitlement.

Obviously there must be loads of such men who are honest and faithful, but risk factors yes.

Runoutoftime16 · 31/08/2016 18:26

Entitlement yes. Also I think most men just don't want to keep their trousers on all that much.

SaggyNaggy · 31/08/2016 18:27

I have neither status nor money and have never ever cheated on any partner. Some men are cocks and will do precisely what they can get away with. The best thing any one can do is to not allow them to get away with anything.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2016 18:28

Re your comment:-
"But I can't help wondering if this is all I can expect from men or I've just made some very wrong choices"

I think you have made some wrong choices in men particularly if you have had ex's who have cheated as well.

The relationship websites "baggage reclaim" and "chumplady" may be helpful to you to read.

I would think about what you have yourself learnt about relationships along the way; it may be that you will need to reassess your whole approach to relationships. You can and should expect a lot more from a man, raise your relationship bar even higher in future.

adora1 · 31/08/2016 18:30

That is a good point Happy, sad though.

SleepingTiger · 31/08/2016 18:36

My view (male) is that yes, deep down men do. They make themselves available and women make choices. Heaven knows why the term 'sluts' evokes a female label because it is man's background to sow oats as you put it, not a woman's. Generally it is not in her DNA.

But that is deep down, in DNA and then you get into all the concepts of alpha male and stuff. But this is 2016, and there is a lot more information available to men than there was in (eg) 1946.

That information is precious and an enlightened male does not behave like you DH. You deserve better.

I hope I am right. I'm no expert on this stuff, Blush

adora1 · 31/08/2016 18:42

Oh I don't think so Tiger, I think women have sexual surges in their DNA too lol, in fact some more, I don't see it as a physical want at all, I think it's just another selfish act and some men who are arrogant tell themselves they are allowed.

Females sought out sex a lot more than men did many moons ago.

kilmuir · 31/08/2016 18:45

Watch Jeremy Kyle, they are always cheating!

Original poster
neverbetrickedagain · 31/08/2016 18:46

Thanks everyone for sharing their views and for support. I just feel so disappointed after everything that happened. We have kids together. I left my country, family, friends, job... to be with him. I think I'm a decent person, far from perfect, but not bad. I'm not bad looking either. But none of the above means anything to him. He's been utterly disrespectful. I really didn't deserve all this.

OP posts:
Thisisme123 · 31/08/2016 18:51

I don't agree with that statement. My dh has money and (on paper at least) status. He has not cheated and I genuinely can't imagine him doing so. Or even making it clear he was available as suggested. Obviously no-one could ever be sure, but his whole temperament and behaviours around me and our friends screams that he is totally committed to me.

TheNaze73 · 31/08/2016 18:52

It is utterly disrespectful, nobody deserves to be cheated on.
I believe a cheat is a cheat, regardless of influence, status or money however, the opportunities for them to do it are vastly increased because of this. Drinks on a Friday around the city, would highlight this.
Hope it all works out OP. You're the prize & deserve better

SleepingTiger · 31/08/2016 18:53

I think we are allowed to generalise on this particular thread...

AnyFucker · 31/08/2016 18:57

I wouldn't have an expectation that a bloke that acted like a sleazy player around women would stop just because he got married

That kind of behaviour is in your make up or is it not

The mistake you made was marrying him and thinking you could change him

And no, not all men are like this. Next time, pick a man that has respect for women full stop

Sallycinnamum · 31/08/2016 18:59

I have a wide circle of male friends and to the best of my knowledge none of them have created but an old family friend who is also a top divorce lawyer told me years ago that in his experience the more money a man earns and the more power he has the more they tend to cheat.

I guess it's because it's easier to get away with when you have the money to stash a mistress away or spend lots of time away from home so have a good cover story.

Sallycinnamum · 31/08/2016 19:00

Cheated not created obviously!

Original poster
neverbetrickedagain · 31/08/2016 19:01

The thing is, I saw some texts exchanged with his mates and I find the way they talk utterly revolting! e.g. husband is out in a pub on his own and a mate (not married but living with a gf) texted him: any fanny about? to which my husband replied: yeah a bit. good pussy here. I find this absolutely disgusting. I can't believe that I'm married to this person and that he is a father of my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
neverbetrickedagain · 31/08/2016 19:03

You got it right AF!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/08/2016 19:05

Is your husband Ched Evans ?

Easystreet52 · 31/08/2016 19:52

Men with money and status often have more opportunity especially where they run their own businesses or are away with work a lot. They are also more appealing to some women. However, a cheat will cheat regardless.

doji · 31/08/2016 20:14

I think there are 2 factors to this that might make a rich and powerful man (or woman) more likely to cheat. Firstly they may have more opportunities to, so if they're that way inclined it's easier. Secondly there are certain qualities that make people more likely to succeed and become rich and powerful - many of them are very self centered and lacking empathy, which may mean that have no qualms about cheating. Obviously these are generalizations, but there was a study published showing that CEOs are 4 x more likely to be psycopaths, so there is a correlation.

Anyway, I'm very sorry hes turned out to be such a shit. Not all men are like that, don't let one arse make you think badly of the entire gender.